Husband’s Mom….

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Hiddenjem
Nuclear
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Joined: Sat Nov 19, 2011 8:06 am

Husband’s Mom….

Post by Hiddenjem » Sat Nov 20, 2021 7:44 pm

1. She is who she is (and has done and said what she has said) and I am indifferent to her. She isn’t even welcome in our home due to how she treats me.

2. She is a hoarder and it has gotten to the point where is it really out of control. It looks and smells bad. The kitchen is usable even use the kitchen at all. She has piles of garbage and recycling all over her home my husband told me. He goes over there and she requests to have him fix broken stuff. When his sister went over there she cleaned a room, their mom was angry she quickly trashed the room as bad as before if not worse!

3. Her health is declining. I don’t care. No love and no hate for her. Indifference.

4. He asked if I would want to move into her house after she passed away. He would fix it up.
I said no. I would not want to live on a house that she has ever lived in even if it was cleaned up. The through of living in a home that she lived is toxic.

If she would of treated me even decent, I could of not been put in the position of being indifferent towards her. She has even attempted to kill me by trying to give my husband cinnamon items knowing i am deathly allergic to it.

I don’t care about her. I don’t wish any good or bad for her.

If she would of treated me even a little decent, it is possible that I might of welcomed her into our home. We have a extra bedroom. If my husband ever brought her home, it wouldn’t be okay. It is my home. She has a home at that she has trashed / hoarded in and she needs to figure it out. She can ask for help and make daily changes to maintain her home.

I don’t care though. I am indifferent.

The day she dies, I will feel indifferent. I will be kind and a good listener to and for my husband but I won’t care or miss her. I just won’t care. I won’t be a part of sorting, tossing and cleaning stuff in that “hoarder house.” Husband knows this already. He understands.

She showed her true colors towards me in front of him. I am grateful for her lack of common sense! Worked out well for me!
"I have learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did. But people will never forget how you made them feel." Maya Angelou

Melody
Nuclear
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Joined: Fri Dec 20, 2013 1:28 pm

Re: Husband’s Mom….

Post by Melody » Sun Nov 21, 2021 9:36 am

I feel what your saying! DH's stepmonster is still lingering and I feel no need to visit - just indifference.

And yea, I would never want to move into her house even if it were perfectly clean and perfect. Yuck.

DH's stepmonster kept trying to pawn her couch off on us. "You can refurbish it! Its perfectly good!". Meanwhile I had to tell DH who wanted to take it that if it were so great, why isn't she "refurbishing" it? When this stupid conversation STILL continued. DH FINALLY got it when I said, "I do not want something in my house that this woman's arse has been on!".

WhyOhWhy
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Re: Husband’s Mom….

Post by WhyOhWhy » Sun Nov 21, 2021 8:32 pm

I totally feel where you are coming from. I was also thrilled when my in-laws showed their true colors in front of my husband. After years of him trying to make excuses or deny my interpretations of events, having it so blatantly displayed in front of him (and on several occasions) was really the nail in that particular coffin. We moved too far away for us to be saddled with MIL's house or for her to come move in with us. This also means there are no requests for help or surprise visits. I would highly recommend it to everyone.
*** The North Remembers ***

Hiddenjem
Nuclear
Posts: 2356
Joined: Sat Nov 19, 2011 8:06 am

Re: Husband’s Mom….

Post by Hiddenjem » Sun Nov 21, 2021 11:57 pm

I appreciate the the support! Thank you both!

He hasn’t asked about moving her into our home or asked me to be part of caregiving for her. He knows where I stand pure tolerance for her existence mixed with indifference.

True, taking a couch from a toxic person is cringe worthy as well! I shudder even pondering on that option!

Also, living far away from husbands relatives again would be much better!

His mom is having a heart / blood pressure issues that the doctor can’t get under control. She is going to have a surgery.

He came home in tears after visiting her in her hoarding home. He feels like a failure as a son and that he is letting his departed dad down by “letting her live that that way.”

I pointed out to him

1. She was always a hoarder but his dad kept it from getting out of control when he was living. She immediately destroyed their home after his dad passed! We lived 3 hours away from her at the time. He couldn’t of been there for her to protect her hoarding and her lack of cleaning tendencies as a married man with a job and family!


2. She opted to trash the room that was cleaned up after one of his sisters cleaned it (it took her a full week) and was angry with her!

3. His mom is letting his dad down now and has always let his dad down not being willing to clean and desiring to trash their their home!

4. He offered to help her sort things and take away things (garbage) she is willing to part with but she didn’t accept his offer. If he does it for her and she doesn’t want her home to not smell bad and be full of piles of garbage, she has to want the change! She will trash it again!

He is a good son! He is there for her! He didn’t fail his dad! He repairs things around her home, mows her grass, fixes her car, etc. She is set in her ways and her ways may be endangering her health!
"I have learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did. But people will never forget how you made them feel." Maya Angelou

Melody
Nuclear
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Joined: Fri Dec 20, 2013 1:28 pm

Re: Husband’s Mom….

Post by Melody » Mon Nov 22, 2021 8:56 am

I'm happy your DH hasn't asked you to help. While my circumstances are different (FIL is in the picture, but he is nearly 20 years stepmonster's senior) I nipped that one in the bud before DH could even say anything. "If stepmonster had even TRIED to be REMOTELY civil, don't you think I would be there helping her/them out whenever I could?" (I visit people in the hospital often and will cook and do laundry, go through mail etc. - but not for her). "Don't you think SIL would help out too, if stepmonster had only been civil?". DH agreed.

DH's stepmonster constantly mentions how different SIL (DH's brother's wife) and I are. The truth is, we are very different, stepmonster couldn't be bothered to get to know either of us, but SIL and I have the common ground that both can't stand stepmonster.

As for your MIL, now that she is in a weakened state, unfortunately the time has passed where you can "clear the air". Not that you were EVER in a good position to speak your mind and/or be heard. Plus your MIL has outwardly rejected the help that has come her way. By being indifferent and not resentful, you're doing great. There's nothing else for you to do other than support DH.

Hiddenjem
Nuclear
Posts: 2356
Joined: Sat Nov 19, 2011 8:06 am

Re: Husband’s Mom….

Post by Hiddenjem » Mon Nov 22, 2021 1:51 pm

Melody,

I really appreciate the validation, wisdom, support and your time!

It is ironic that Step Monster managed to bond you and Sil with her behavior and she compared how different you and she are! She sounds like she lacks common sense! It works in your favor! We are all different! Thankfully, not everyone is like your Step Monster!

True, I missed my opportunity to say some things to Dh.

He tells me, “I know you don’t care about her but I need to talk about what is happening with her.” I tell him that of course I care about how HE feels! I am here to listen!

I do feel good letting her be the bad guy and showing her true colors to him! I stayed classy! I am proud of myself!
"I have learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did. But people will never forget how you made them feel." Maya Angelou

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