What to do when DH has a "friend" who is interested in him

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Melody
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What to do when DH has a "friend" who is interested in him

Post by Melody » Sat Jul 02, 2016 4:22 pm

So anytime DH and I had any kind of argument or fight he would his horrible stepmonster. Ugh. We went to counseling and he realized what a stupid idea that was. (Even if she were a decent person, all she is hearing is the downside).

So now DH vents to a "friend" he met on a trip. She lives a couple of states away so is probably not a threat, but he vents to her every time we have a disagreement. I think she is desperate to hook up with him so I am very uncomfortable. Any suggestions?

BTW, I don't know what MY problem is. My first husband is an Ahole (as confirmed by several of HIS ex-girlfriends that chose to contact me). But ex hooked up with his skank receptionist WHILE I was pregnant with his second child and was taking care of a two year old. (She KNEW THIS!!! P.S. eventually even ex figured out she was a skank who he MAY have had to get a restraining order against but long after I dumped him).

Help?

Melody
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Re: What to do when DH has a "friend" who is interested in h

Post by Melody » Sun Jul 03, 2016 8:04 am

** Vent - he used to vent to his stupid stepmoster

jigglypuff
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Re: What to do when DH has a "friend" who is interested in h

Post by jigglypuff » Sun Jul 03, 2016 9:48 am

So now DH vents to a "friend" he met on a trip. She lives a couple of states away so is probably not a threat, but he vents to her every time we have a disagreement. I think she is desperate to hook up with him so I am very uncomfortable
It doesn't matter how far away this woman is, she's still a threat. But I don't see from any examples given here how she's the desperate one. Sounds like your H is the one who is pushing for something more here and seems to be having an emotional affair with this woman. How do you not know they didn't hook up physically on his trip? You don't and so you need to be very, very wary.

I don't like the sound of any of this. It's concerning how your H feels it's appropriate to discuss such personal info with others, especially strange women. You need to put a stop to this right away before it gets worse.
'As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to ruin it for me'

CoffeeLeaf
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Re: What to do when DH has a "friend" who is interested in h

Post by CoffeeLeaf » Sun Jul 03, 2016 4:56 pm

Your relationship is in danger. Going off somewhere to rant about you isn't something a loving husband does. Even if he is mad at you, part of his job is to present you to other people as a sweet, loving, caring, lovely partner that he only expects good things from. Is it always honey and roses? No. But you don't go telling everyone about when it isn't, either. What happens in the marriage stays in the marriage. Sure, you talk about sweet little things they did, or an anecdote, but, the more intense the feeling, the more private it becomes.

I have no idea what sets your husband off to do those things, but it's a very bad habit. It could be that he doesn't feel validated in his emotions, and needs it so badly, he goes elsewhere. Anywhere. There are poacher-type women who use that exposed need as a hook to seduce unwary married men. They see the fact that he's already married as attractive (because he's obviously worth marrying, then), and feed off of trying to get the man to pick her over the women he already committed to.
And oh, she'll be sly. She'll slime her way into his heart, promising only a one night stand, and she'll never know, then flip the tables and threaten to leave him and ruin his home life if he doesn't pick her.

Your husband doesn't feel safe with you. Maybe he's being a baby, maybe it's a bad habit on your part. I have no idea. However, men and women accomplish nothing by setting out to prove that the other person was wrong, and they are right, and must be listened to.

Your husband seems like he'll at least listen to reason, as evidenced by counselling, so, if you have a problem, and he's sensitive, try to put things in a logical fashion. "When you do this, here's the consequence, and why."

Here's what I would say to my husband, for the benefit of my marriage, even if it's not what I felt like saying:

"Honey, I'm your number one fan. I'm here to help you with our life together, and I'm sorry if I've been getting too defensive during some discussions. There's a lot to be stressed, confused, and worried about, but I shouldn't have let it get to me. I'm going to stop thinking about me, and focus on giving you what you need. It's not my job to love and defend me, it's my job to love and defend you.

So, tell me what you need."

Listen carefully, and if he asks for something slightly unfair, try to give it to him for a while anyway. He's THIS CLOSE to cheating on you. That will hurt way worse than submitting to whatever he asks. Think of it as taking up the artillery and protecting your marriage. If it's an in-law favor, decide for yourself, but try to say that you want it to be just you and him for a while. You're lonely and hurting without him. Absolutely own his heart, and don't give him any excuses to go talk to someone else.

After that discussion, if he wants to talk about whatever you were originally arguing over, continue:

"We do really need to sort out his mess [financial/family/etc], and to do that, I need to know that you have my back, and I have yours. Would it be possible to set aside some emotions, and just look at the data for a minute?"

Finances = You can't afford something/extra hours to be worked/etc
Family = Becoming financial burdens, too much emotional stress, they don't respect you, etc.

That should be a start, anyway. My husband's been very happy ever since I stopped caring about me, and focused on just making him happy. It's a transitional process, so, he doesn't quite realize that he needs to do the same yet. I have no one to defend me, if he doesn't. It's not my job to love me. That's his job. I come dead last on my list of priorities.

And my husband isn't so sad anymore. He used to go into states where he would just feel unmovable, and empty. Neither of us really knew why, but, it's possible he was grieving his parents. They refuse to apologize for hurting us so badly, and all that wasn't easy.

As for what "your problem" is, I can't really say. It's possible that you unconsciously pick men that put you second, because you don't have the self-esteem to back up another choice. So, you get put down in a relationship, but, part of you thinks that all is well and good anyway. From what I can tell, it's only a little bit second, and cheating is too far. You weren't obliterated self-esteem wise.
And I say that as a neutral party. It's my first and foremost belief that we're living in a horrendous time of misinformation, and being starved of vital life concepts. It's really no wonder that marriages fail, seeing as people don't know how to treat each other, and have no idea how to even find out. They just go with what makes sense to them, which usually makes them develop sideways, at best.

All of that should be a start, anyway. You don't have to believe anything that I say, but... I'm free. :lol:

Melody
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Re: What to do when DH has a "friend" who is interested in h

Post by Melody » Sun Jul 03, 2016 7:14 pm

Thank you Jigglypuff and Coffeeleaf for your brutally honest answers. I think you're both right - especially Coffeeleaf. DH is VERY emotional and at first I was relieved he stopped talkipng to his Shi*t for brains Stepmonster. But now he moved on to this loser woman (twice divorced mother of one with no career (even though she pretends) to speak of - she - and I hate to talk physical - looks like a mutt and seems to have zilch personality).

DH craves constant attention and HE and the therapist we went to said as much. So Coffeeleaf I think your advice is spot-on. (I don't THINK he has cheated, but I DO agree with you). He has been rejected by "three mothers'" - his birth mother, adopted mother (neither of which he talks to) and psycho abusive felon stepmonster (who he unfortunately talks to and gets beyond pissed when I call her out on all her crap).

He has apologized since this post for being moody, and told me that I'm the most important person in his life. But my guard is up.

THANK YOU!

jigglypuff
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Re: What to do when DH has a "friend" who is interested in h

Post by jigglypuff » Sun Jul 03, 2016 10:16 pm

ut now he moved on to this loser woman (twice divorced mother of one with no career (even though she pretends) to speak of - she - and I hate to talk physical - looks like a mutt and seems to have zilch personality).
Don't think for one second that he's above being with her because she's unappealing. Affairs aren't about looks or what the other person has, it's about feeding your H's ego and personal needs. People who need to fulfill this need will get that anywhere and from anyone they can. Every single time I have talked to someone who was cheated on, their partner/spouse always had an affair with someone like you just described, a complete loser. So don't make the mistake of putting it past him.

I agree with everything Coffee said. But also be aware that although her advice is helpful and may get your marriage back on track (hopefully it works), it's not a guarantee that he won't go outside the marriage to fulfill his needs despite your efforts. Many times I see spouses, women especially, feel guilty that they didn't do enough. It's your H's responsibility to control himself, not yours. You can't control his actions, only your own. I hope everything works out for the best. I'm glad he apologized and told you something encouraging. That's at least a good start :)
'As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to ruin it for me'

WatchingMyBack
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Re: What to do when DH has a "friend" who is interested in h

Post by WatchingMyBack » Mon Jul 04, 2016 10:30 am

I'm sorry about this. My DH has had many Emotional Affairs with people he really doesn't know (being at a distance makes them much more appealing because they only share their best self). It has eroded our relationship badly. Anytime I tried to explain to him that he was hurting our relationship, I always got the "Why do you always make everything about you?"

Again, if DH hadn't gotten very sick a few years ago, I would have left. The more he was communicating (via Skype or email or phone) with these people (mostly women but a couple of men, too), the more hateful he was to me and our DC. He would bitch and moan and they would give him advice that would move them closer relationship wise to them and away from us. I got to the point I just wanted to be away from it. Then he got sick and boy, oh boy, those people were nowhere to be seen then.
“Make no judgments where you have no compassion.”

Melody
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Re: What to do when DH has a "friend" who is interested in h

Post by Melody » Mon Jul 04, 2016 12:55 pm

@Jigglypuff - Yes you're right. I told DH last night that if he ever did something "STUPID" (he's done "stupid" but I believe not "STUPID") he would be kicked to the curbside. He said he knew - and I believe him - everyone was shocked I unloaded the ex only because I was in a desperate situation (newborn and two year old and no family to support me).

Of course the difference is while ex is a sh*thead (the holiday cards, messages and even party invites from HIS exes to ME make me believe this). The one he had an affair with WHEN we were married and I was pregnant IS a complete loser (a bigger loser than DH's loser friend). Ex's family even speculated that ex had an affair because I had put on weight when I was pregnant, but NO, loser with no kids was a bigger fatty and nothing to look at, so yes, I get what your saying. The wives are too busy taking care of everything while the losers with no responsibilities have all the time in the world to florish attention on other women's husbands.

DH is a good guy. He's treated his stepchildren like his own and is a great dad. And I do think he realizes life would get very difficult for him if he f*d up.

@WatchingMyBack - I hesitate to say this because I don't want tBAo make you feel worse- your stories are heart-wrenching! But thank you for understanding exactly where I am coming from. I think our DH's were somewhat "programmed" to do this. You're wife is being a b*tch again? Oh, you poor poor dear! You don't deserve that! I would NEVER do that! BARF! BARF! BARF!

JustPlainHateHer
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Re: What to do when DH has a "friend" who is interested in h

Post by JustPlainHateHer » Mon Jul 04, 2016 3:23 pm

He is investing in an emotional affair and can be far more dangerous than a physical one, in some respects. Be vigilant and pay attention.

rubycrownedkinglet
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Re: What to do when DH has a "friend" who is interested in h

Post by rubycrownedkinglet » Mon Jul 04, 2016 5:47 pm

Listen to your gut feeling. If you sense what's going on is wrong, it probably is-or will be. I learned the same lesson.

Many years ago, my DH made a female work friend that he introduced to me and she and I became close also. We had only been married a year or so and at first I was OK with their friendship but for some reason, I started to feel very strange. Friend was the same around me, but I started feeling jealous of the time she was spending with DH.

I was griping about her to my older, wiser supervisor at work. She told me to punch out, go home and tell my husband that we were going to have to break up with our friend because she was not to be trusted. I was shocked at my boss. I had spent the last 15 minutes explaining that I was the problem for being immature and jealous, but she told me she wouldn't trust that girl at all and that she would make sure DH knew who he was married to, and that he couldn't get confused.

I called DH from work and he was in the shower. Friend answered the phone, explaining they had gone on a run together and he was showering, following her to her place, then she'd shower and I could meet them for happy hour if I wanted to go. Mind you I'm getting off work like 3 hours early. I told her I was on my way, right now, and asked if she could drive herself home and meet us later. When I got off the phone, my boss had a black and white speckled cow! She almost threw my purse at me and shoved me out the door.

DH and I never made it to happy hour with Friend. Ever again. Nothing at all had happened between them, and I knew that, but I could maybe see it happening in the future. DH was very upset, not wanting to be controlled. He had every faith in her that she would never make a pass at him and betray me that way. He felt badly he had hurt her feelings, but she didn't seem to hold a grudge against him or me. We still occasionally saw her socially, but only at couples things.

Three years later, Friend got transferred out of town with her new husband, the worker who sat three chairs down from DH who divorced his wife and three kids to marry her. His youngest child was Friend's goddaughter!
I tried to look my old boss up to tell her but she had moved away. She deserved her chance to tell me "I TOLD YOU SO!"

Melody
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Re: What to do when DH has a "friend" who is interested in h

Post by Melody » Tue Jul 05, 2016 11:58 am

Ugh! Ruby - I want to take a shower now myself after reading your story. Ick! Ick! Ick! I'm so happy for you that things worked themselves out and hopefully DUH became a DH and realized the stupidity of HIS actions as well.

You're a wiz on the internet - I WOULD try to look for a fb, LinkedIn, twitter, or just google old boss. She needs to at least be on your holiday card list!

And yep, I was suckered in too (even after dealing with ahole ex - I should know better!) and was initially happy DuH was "venting" to someone other than stepmonster (men often don't talk enough). And I tried to help this woman as well. (I'm a recruiter - not in her industry but certain advice is across the board) She claimed to be a professional but was really puffing her very limited work experience/token training. And she didn't do anything I suggested (Its key to have a professional internet presence and to have a decent CV). So now she appears to have a few crappy part time jobs - none of which are in her alleged "profession". Hopefully her crap jobs keep her busy.

In the meantime my good friend has been trying to get HER husband (grew up in different countries but have very similar values, sensibities, and senses of humor to my DH) to talk and vent with my DH - we need to work on that. That and maybe a few more therapy sessions with a trusted professional!

MountainLover
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Re: What to do when DH has a "friend" who is interested in h

Post by MountainLover » Tue Jul 05, 2016 7:01 pm

You are not having a "problem." Your DH IS a problem right now. This connection needs to end. Even if they both have clean intentions, things can go south in a hurry.

WatchingMyBack
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Re: What to do when DH has a "friend" who is interested in h

Post by WatchingMyBack » Wed Jul 06, 2016 10:37 am

Melody wrote:The wives are too busy taking care of everything while the losers with no responsibilities have all the time in the world to flourish attention on other women's husbands.
AMEN to that Sister! :lol:

I'll post the story sometime (probably have already posted bits of it before) of when the straw literally broke the camel's back for me and I emotionally detached enough from DH that I no longer let the EA bother me. I still find them insulting and hurtful (because he is to hateful at times), but I've made it abundantly clear to him. You want someone else? Please, please feel free to go. I only want you to be happy in your life. Does he leave? Nope. But rest assured, I know it isn't because of love, but because I take care of too much sh*t for him that he doesn't want to do.
“Make no judgments where you have no compassion.”

mamarama
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Re: What to do when DH has a "friend" who is interested in h

Post by mamarama » Wed Jul 06, 2016 10:53 am

Usually, I'm all for spouses having friends of the opposite sex as long as the other spouse is included in the friendship. This is not the case with you. What your husband is doing is very inappropriate. He is discussing intimate details of his marriage with another woman that you have never met, and he sure intends that you'll never meet her. I agree with the others that he is having an emotional affair. If he is having marital problems, the only people he should be discussing it with are you and a counselor. That he has learned before that it is foolish to discuss his marriage with outside parties yet still continues to do it with this woman is alarming. He is seeking emotional comfort only from her and is saying unflattering things about his wife to her. Worst part is that he sees nothing wrong with this malfunction.

Phred
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Re: What to do when DH has a "friend" who is interested in h

Post by Phred » Mon Jul 11, 2016 9:57 am

mamarama wrote:Usually, I'm all for spouses having friends of the opposite sex as long as the other spouse is included in the friendship. This is not the case with you. What your husband is doing is very inappropriate.
THIS!

My best friend is female. In fact, she was the "Best Woman" at my wedding, standing on my side of the ceremony. My wife was and is cool with it because we're all like family to one another. In that case, yes, I sometimes share a frustration or two with my friend about a disagreement my wife and I had. And I know that my friend will always be honest with me about her perspective; she never just sides with me because we're friends.

If you're not included in the relationship, then your DH is being completely inappropriate. If there's nothing to hide, then there's nothing to hide.
Fred
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