Another log on the codependency fire

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Another log on the codependency fire

Postby momjeans » Thu Sep 07, 2017 10:04 am

BIL's fiancé left him. She graduated this summer with a medical field certificate, was looking for jobs locally, and semi local, but ultimately accepted a job 8 hours away.

We found out Monday via MIL who has known for over a month that she had accepted a job, but apparently the fiancé also threw in a few goodies before her departure.

- her and BIL were finished.
- she wasn't taking their almost 3 year old child with her.

BIL had quit his job to prepare for the move, so now he is without a job as they will not take him back/had already hired two people to replace him. BIL is a raging alcoholic who miraculously managed to hold down a job with a VERY empathetic employer. I see it as the employer must be super relieved just to have BIL out of there.

His fiancés mother isn't taking the child, my inlaws are. Along with my BIL I would guess, because the home they lived in is owned by her parents, and they evicted BIL.

The following day, BIL gets behind the wheel to go and get food. In a vehicle other than the one that has the court ordered blow box, and crashes, lands in the hospital, gets his 2nd DUI. Who supplied BIL with another vehicle? The inlaws, of course. Do they feel guilty? No, they're too fixated in how BIL has been wronged.

MIL is visibly on cloud nine that she'll be able to play mommy to her youngest grandchild. That poor, innocent child.

I'm not too happy with DH's indifference in all of this, as they all kind of shrug and laugh it all off. I'm filled with anxiety, because now I fear MIL is going to want to bring the
child to my house all the time. I love this child, but with the mother gone, I can not, will not engage with my inlaws to have my children's cousin around.

Never in my life have I met such a dysfunctional family. DH really talked them up before before I eventually got to see the true side to them.

This has really opened my eyes to the fact that my inlaws have no business being around my children. This is not normal.
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Re: Another log on the codependency fire

Postby Melody » Thu Sep 07, 2017 11:21 am

Wow! I always wonder about women who can abandon their own child. I can't imagine. Meanwhile, this woman is going to work in healthcare - isn't that kind of like caring about people? But I guess not your own child.

If you want to see the cousin, maybe approach this a little like a divorce visitation. Email MIL (or even have DH contact her so you look more hands off) about when "She can use a break" and the kids can have a "playdate" (yes 3 is quite young for that - but poor kid). Then set a DROPOFF time and potential pickup.

When MIL arrives at the door, DO NOT INVITE HER IN and STAND in the doorway threshold asking for confirmation of PICKUP time. No you don't need "help", yes everything is "planned out", you have snacks ready FOR THE CHILDREN, etc. And NOOOO need to reciprocate MIL! Thank you. You must be busy enough! The kids have all their school supplies/homework/activities HERE.
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Re: Another log on the codependency fire

Postby momjeans » Thu Sep 07, 2017 11:25 am

** duplicate post **
Last edited by momjeans on Thu Sep 07, 2017 11:26 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Another log on the codependency fire

Postby momjeans » Thu Sep 07, 2017 11:25 am

Melody wrote:Wow! I always wonder about women who can abandon their own child. I can't imagine. Meanwhile, this woman is going to work in healthcare - isn't that kind of like caring about people? But I guess not your own child.

If you want to see the cousin, maybe approach this a little like a divorce visitation. Email MIL (or even have DH contact her so you look more hands off) about when "She can use a break" and the kids can have a "playdate" (yes 3 is quite young for that - but poor kid). Then set a DROPOFF time and potential pickup.

When MIL arrives at the door, DO NOT INVITE HER IN and STAND in the doorway threshold asking for confirmation of PICKUP time. No you don't need "help", yes everything is "planned out", you have snacks ready FOR THE CHILDREN, etc. And NOOOO need to reciprocate MIL! Thank you. You must be busy enough! The kids have all their school supplies/homework/activities HERE.


This is great advice, thank you!

I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around it all, honestly too.

MIL stated that ex-fiancées mother told her (MIL) "Hey, my daughter went to school to better herself. This is her career - she needs to leave. Plus, they're not good for one another. So..."

Not downplaying employment at all, but this is not a major position in the medical field. At least not major enough to warrant leaving behind a child, but it's her decision, not mine. I think I'm more shocked that she's making the conscious decision to throw her child to the wolves by leaving the child in the care of BIL and inlaws, which is basically just the inlaws, because he's an alcoholic.

It also rubs an open sore with me, because at one time the fiancé and I were pretty close. That is, until MIL divided and conquered that relationship with untruths and backbiting. I feel MIL did that out of jealousy, because she wants all the love and attention on her when it comes to her two sons, their significant others, and the grandchildren.

Since I'm not a willing participant, I'm evil and the cause of a lot of their problems. In a weird way I see this as an opportunity for her to secure having a place in being involved with our family. I don't want her around my children even more now.
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Re: Another log on the codependency fire

Postby Yacky » Thu Sep 07, 2017 11:54 pm

You live way too close to your in-laws, girl! I guess if you want to spend time with the little girl (who, let's face it, could use your good influence and healthy love), maybe offer to pick her up? Don't worry if "all her stuff" is ready, just say you have enough clothes, food, etc for her and just grab her and go. Maybe pick up some outfits at Goodwill or something to have at your house in case of accidents or just getting dirty while playing and just shower the girl with as much love as you guys can whenever you see her. You could be a real blessing in that girl's life, and lord knows she needs it with all that chaos around her.
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Re: Another log on the codependency fire

Postby momjeans » Fri Sep 08, 2017 11:31 am

Yacky wrote:You live way too close to your in-laws, girl! I guess if you want to spend time with the little girl (who, let's face it, could use your good influence and healthy love), maybe offer to pick her up? Don't worry if "all her stuff" is ready, just say you have enough clothes, food, etc for her and just grab her and go. Maybe pick up some outfits at Goodwill or something to have at your house in case of accidents or just getting dirty while playing and just shower the girl with as much love as you guys can whenever you see her. You could be a real blessing in that girl's life, and lord knows she needs it with all that chaos around her.


You're correct, Yacky. Our lives were much happier and stress-free when we lived 2000+ miles away from the inlaws, and only saw them once a year when they flew out for a visit.

It's an ongoing plan, to move far away from them.

Thanks for your insightful input.
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Re: Another log on the codependency fire

Postby willthetruthbetold » Tue Sep 19, 2017 6:35 am

I have grandchildren about the same age as the child who was abandoned and can't imagine the feelings of fear and betrayal. Is the child a girl? (I"ll call her "she/her").
There are so many factors in the scenario that you described, but the most important is the welfare of the abandoned girl. Her mother is negligent to leave a small child with a man who is struggling with alcoholism, unemployment and homelessness. Just how did the mother think that the child would be supported physical, mentally and intellectually? Where was she supposed to sleep, in a car?
If you can find it in your heart to have a presence in her life, you will be providing a base of support and stability to an innocent who has no control over the terrible things that have happened. You will set an example for your own child who will learn how to be kind to others.
I didn't notice if you mentioned who has legal custody of the girl; if your MIL is the guardian I hope she steps up to the responsibility. You don't have to be best friends with your MIL but in my opinion it would be great if you had open lines of communication with her so that you could more easily monitor the welfare of the child.
Whatever love and strength that you can show the little girl would be a blessing. I can't imagine such a thing happening when I was nearly three, or my own children or my grandchildren. My heart breaks for her, and I have huge sympathy for you... it's not a good situation for anyone. Best of luck as you proceed through this mess.
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