Looking At Houses, DH Worried About IL's Opinions

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Looking At Houses, DH Worried About IL's Opinions

Postby Yacky » Thu Aug 31, 2017 9:04 pm

So H and I are just about ready to try to buy another house. We've been back in the US for a year now, so H is finally qualified to apply for another mortgage (remember we had sold our house before moving to the IL's country, only to turn around a year later and run screaming from their country back here to the US).

So, we've been looking at houses online. I am a fairly simple woman. I just want something with 3 br, 1-2 baths, wood stove a plus, master br big enough for our king bed, basic good condition of the home and on 5 acres or so. H, on the other hand, apparently seems to think that we need to somehow outdo our old home.

I found this adorable home in our price range that filled all of the above requirements, but on the outside the house is very plain looking. It's a ranch-style (our previous home was a lovely 2-story cape-style home, but only on 1 acre and we want to try to have a small homestead this time).

The INSIDE, however, is SO perfect! It's got some lovely wood cabinets and floors, has a cathedral ceiling in the living room (which was on our "wish list" but not a requirement), and is a very unique (and even a little delightfully "quirky") lay out that's very sunny and open. Honestly, it has everything we could want...but as mentioned, it looks VERY plain on the outside.

H wrinkled his nose up at it because it's "not as grand" as our previous home and he was hoping for "a certain look" on the outside. I prodded him a little until he finally admitted that SIL has a million-dollar Victorian-style home and so he'd feel embarrassed to "downgrade" from the 2-story home we once had to this "boring looking" ranch.

I am flabbergasted, frustrated, you name it. There's a perfect home, in our price range, in the basic area we'd like to live in, has all the bedrooms (and even two FULL baths) on a nice dry basement and on the 5 acres of MOSTLY CLEARED land so we can start right in with a small fruit orchard and garden...and he's worried that mummy and daddy will compare it to SIL's mansion and feel we're just not up to snuff.

Who cares?!?!? They aren't the ones who have to live in our home, WE are! I don't care HOW nice SIL's home is! She also has to rent out a room in it and work a job she hates with on-call and oddball hours to afford it! Why should we pass up on an adorable (on the inside) home that looks solid and perfect for our needs just because H might feel embarrassed to stack our home up against SIL's.

It's so frustrating that after all we've gone through with his family, he's still that little boy trying to win mummy and daddy's approval. Gah.
~~ Some people really need a great big high-five....to the face....with a baseball bat ~~
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Re: Looking At Houses, DH Worried About IL's Opinions

Postby Melody » Thu Aug 31, 2017 9:19 pm

Wouldn't give a FLYING about IL's opinion. If you are interested in mine (totally optional) - I prefer a house where bedrooms are separate from the living area (my parents were from NYC) and realized this was a "mistake" in the home THEY bought. I prefer laundary NOT in the basement, but either by the bedrooms (little movement) or in the living area (where I can supervise the kids). And also a house built AFTER 1977 - when lead paint was baned. It IS scary stuff! Just my two cents.
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Re: Looking At Houses, DH Worried About IL's Opinions

Postby Yacky » Thu Aug 31, 2017 9:41 pm

Melody wrote:Wouldn't give a FLYING about IL's opinion. If you are interested in mine (totally optional) - I prefer a house where bedrooms are separate from the living area (my parents were from NYC) and realized this was a "mistake" in the home THEY bought. I prefer laundary NOT in the basement, but either by the bedrooms (little movement) or in the living area (where I can supervise the kids). And also a house built AFTER 1977 - when lead paint was baned. It IS scary stuff! Just my two cents.


Melody, this house is really adorable! The laundry IS on the first floor (not in the basement)! The bedrooms are on the opposite side of the **huge** living area! It is nearly 1,600 square feet, not bad for a ranch..and that's not including the basement, of course. The wood stove looks practically brand new as does the metal roof. It has an adorable covered porch, I could go on! I just love this home, but it just looks like "your average ranch" from the street.
~~ Some people really need a great big high-five....to the face....with a baseball bat ~~
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Re: Looking At Houses, DH Worried About IL's Opinions

Postby PutMILinherplace » Fri Sep 01, 2017 9:29 am

Yacky wrote: I just love this home, but it just looks like "your average ranch" from the street.


And this is where you tell him with great enthusiasm, "I know and I am so thrilled! Now we can spend the time making it exactly the way we want! We aren't dependent upon what someone else thinks is nice looking. We can make it ours with OUR tastes, OUR opinions, OUR likes not what someone else who doesn't matter thinks looks good. "

Maybe have some ideas about some trees or bushes. I would push hard. DH will come along and be happy.
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Re: Looking At Houses, DH Worried About IL's Opinions

Postby Melody » Fri Sep 01, 2017 10:16 am

Love the covered porch - wish we had one! THAT is cool. Its also good if you can look out on your backyard through say the kitchen window (we live in an area with a lot of mountains, and we're two stories up from the back yard - NOT great supervision - but I bought my house years before I thought about kids). If you're not doing private school, school district is key - and of course its difficult to gauge which the "best" ones are.

As for any stupid IL comments, you just can't compare US houses to homes outside of the country so tell DH to cut the crap already (an Ex Pat friend from England cracks me up when she calls her ranch "the barn" compared to the stone house she lived in before. The heating is not the same, the climate is not the same, etc. They're not compatible). And that kind of acreage is a lot! I'd take it over a "McMansion" on a postage stamp lot any day of the year.

And if the IL's don't like the house - its an even bigger win! DON'T VISIT!!!
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Re: Looking At Houses, DH Worried About IL's Opinions

Postby mamarama » Fri Sep 01, 2017 11:01 am

So who exactly is he buying this house with and for? Is he buying it for his wife and kid or his parents? Unless the parents are contributing financially to the house, then their opinion shouldn't even be considered. Trying to put on airs is what makes a lot of people house-poor. I know of one myself. He's very concerned with what image he puts out, has the gorgeous house in a wealthy neighborhood and the nice Mercedes, but has to rent out a room in his house just to make the mortgage. He can't even afford to go 2 months without a roommate. Your H (and you) have a responsibility to the nuclear family to see that you guys are financially secure. It would cost a lot less money to update the facade of the ranch house than it would to buy a $1 million mansion. And if you do buy that grand and massive house, exactly who does he expect to clean it? Hire a maid he says? Plus all the extra money going to the huge mortgage? Or does he expect you to clean it? Just curious.

FWIW, I grew up in an 11 bedroom house that was HUGE. But then again there were 7 of us. It was a PITA to clean, and my parents spent a lot of money, (more than I can afford) to have it cleaned regularly. Has your H thought that far ahead?

Can you guys afford an expensive, large house and still save up money for the kid's college fund?

What about maintenance? Do you guys have enough extra cash after paying a huge mortgage to fix what needs fixing? What if the roof goes bad? It will be A LOT cheaper to put a new roof on a ranch than it would a massive house with a huge footprint. Need new siding you say? Now you're talking a difference of multiple thousands of dollars, and siding isn't cheap. I paid $6k for mine a few years back, and I'm only in a 1700 sq ft house. I got good siding though, not the cheap stuff, which I'm sure your H wouldn't want either.

So many things to consider.

As a parent, I would be more proud of my kid if she bought a reasonable house that she could afford and still have some money to squirrel away. That's the prudent thing to do. If she blew all of her money on outward appearances and wasn't financially responsible, I would consider it a failure on my part that I didn't raise her to understand what's really important in life.
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Re: Looking At Houses, DH Worried About IL's Opinions

Postby blue iris » Fri Sep 01, 2017 12:36 pm

Just my two cents here. DH and I have moved multiple times in 47 years. (Good grief! Has it been that long?!) For the most part, you don't live on the outside, you live inside. So if the interior fits your needs and wants, you can always add landscaping and paint the front door, add lighting, etc.after you have been in a while and see what you would really like to change. A lot easier and cheaper than tearing out walls and adding plumbing. And finding a house you like with the amount of land you want isn't easy. Go for it! You're the ones living there anyway, not the ILS. Who cares what they think?
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Re: Looking At Houses, DH Worried About IL's Opinions

Postby Yacky » Sat Sep 02, 2017 12:26 am

blue iris wrote:Just my two cents here. DH and I have moved multiple times in 47 years. (Good grief! Has it been that long?!) For the most part, you don't live on the outside, you live inside. So if the interior fits your needs and wants, you can always add landscaping and paint the front door, add lighting, etc.after you have been in a while and see what you would really like to change. A lot easier and cheaper than tearing out walls and adding plumbing. And finding a house you like with the amount of land you want isn't easy. Go for it! You're the ones living there anyway, not the ILS. Who cares what they think?


Thanks Blue Iris, this is exactly how I feel. I took Melody's suggestion and gave him some thoughts on how it "could" look with just a few additions. I went into the Paint program and added in some bushes, flowers, even a small breezeway and small garage so he could see that if he really wanted to, we could later on add those elements to make it seem a little more "grand" (if you will). He did agree that it looks much better with some landscaping around it and he's warming to the idea of it more.

He realizes that its silly that he cares what his family might think, and when I reminded him that we have to be able to afford the home we buy (PLUS have the acreage he wants) then we need to be more practical in our choice. He does agree it is really cute inside with plenty of room, so he's at least willing to go take a look at it :)

As to the comment further above: No, I don't see that they will contribute financially. They've pretty much written us off (except for maybe xmas and birthdays some money gets wired into our account). They'd spend thousands on BIL to live his playboy lifestyle but as for helping put a roof over their son and grandchildren's heads (even though they have plenty of money to do so)...well, I think those days are over.

DH is still under the illusion that they meant what they said when they said they wanted to give their children their "inheritance" money whenever they need it while they are still alive. I told him that when they refused to give him money to fly home for his grandmother's funeral, clearly they made it clear that they did **NOT** mean what they said. Yes, they did "reimburse" him once he showed up anyway, but that seemed more out of guilt since they had egg on their faces.

They couldn't care less that we've been bouncing from temporary home to temporary home these past several months because we don't (yet) have enough for a down payment on a home. H told them about our bouncing around in a recent message and there really wasn't any kind of reaction at all. God forbid they respond to his pouring out his heart with any kind of sympathy or offer of help.
~~ Some people really need a great big high-five....to the face....with a baseball bat ~~
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Re: Looking At Houses, DH Worried About IL's Opinions

Postby jigglypuff » Sat Sep 02, 2017 1:45 am

Your DH's attitude is very upsetting. He could be in my shoes, someone struggling to even afford a half decent home. DH and I have never known what it's like to own our own home. We would settle for anything humble except we can't afford all the expenses Mamarama mentioned right now. It's extremely frustrating to want something so bad, work hard and still not be able to obtain it.

The house you described sounds like a dream come true. I can only dream being able to own something so lovely. And yet he's worried about competing with his own sister? I hope you've told him how childish he's behaving.

My father once told me, if you want to be happy in life, never compare what you have with someone else. Life isn't a competition. Life is about making your own way, doing what makes you happy. Doing right by the family you've created. Seems that your DH has lost sight of this. He is giving too much power to people who don't even matter. That will be the quickest way to make himself miserable.

Like the others said, would he rather spend his years killing himself working, risking losing it all just to keep up with the joneses? That is vain and downright ridiculous thinking. It's about quality of life, not quantity.

I'm at least glad he is considering looking at the house. I hope you get it because it sounds like everything you guys need and want. Keeping my fingers crossed for ya!
'As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to ruin it for me'
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Re: Looking At Houses, DH Worried About IL's Opinions

Postby bsfighter1 » Sun Sep 03, 2017 8:08 am

Good thing he has you there to set him straight, Yacky. Honestly I wonder sometimes if all our DHs will ever truly get over the dysfunction they may have disliked, but were enmeshed in anyway.

In my experience, every time you make some progress with the DH (for me it was YEARS of fighting with him to finally really see how awful not only his stepmonster is but his father, brothers and the golden SIL) they'll do or say something that is so ridiculous when it comes to these people despite them knowing what yucky people they are.

Most recent ones with my DH... still making excuses for the inappropriate and nervy behaviour of FIL just showing up last year to 'hand deliver' a birthday card to his (and step monster's :evil: ) grandson when for almost 5 years they've continued to lie, not take any accountability and treat DH and me like garbage, and show very little interest in being REAL and honest to patch things up with us in the hopes of having some type of relationship with our children (fat chance at this point!)

DH's excuse: "my dad just wanted to do hand deliver the card because it's DS's birthday, that's all." Uh nope! He's in our town and didn't even have the decency to let his son know like usual but thought it appropriate to show up unannounced at his estranged dil's and grandchildren's door and look like he expected me to invite him in. That's no big deal how? I explained to DH that most likely he did it to a) make a point and/or b) maintain his image with his enabling family so he could claim victim status again when I shut the door on him.

Or DH recently taking his useless brother out to one of the best golf courses in town, a brother who we found out lied to us about his part in the attack on me, who has never taken accountability for his part and just continues to manipulate and string DH along, saying 'oh I guess I should apologize to bsf1 for siding with stepmonster... only says this after he was caught in a lie). Says to DH he'll write an apology note to me that still has yet to come. And DH has been strung along by this creep for 5 years every. Single. Time. And he rewards this so-called brother by inviting him to a #1 golf course to play even though the creep could never inconvenience himself even slightly to meet up and golf with DH in the 5 yrs after cutoff-- and this from a so-called brother who supposedly misses having a relationship with us :roll: the only time he would meet DH for a beer was at his complete convenience and with an agenda to attempt to manipulate him to get me back into the fold.

It takes women like us to re-ground our husbands, but it does get tiresome many times, especially when the behaviours of the ILs are so obvious.

I'll cross my fingers that you get that house and if not, a similar one that is a nice fit for you.
"I've learned that with narcs, absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder, it makes the heart grow free."
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