Flying monkeys?

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Flying monkeys?

Postby Mara » Wed Aug 30, 2017 3:23 pm

My situation is relatively calm right now. Completely NC with all ILs, aside from paternal AIL who chauffeurs H to his weekly visitation with the kids. Although her and I do not even acknowledge each other after the day we argued about MIL's "rights." No other relatives have even attempted contact aside from maternal AIL and her DD's. I suppose they are probably flying monkeys (although I am not certain if they fit the definition?). At first, they reached out to me and acted sympathetic "we love you, we are here for you, we are sorry you are going through this," etc. they said anything I shared was completely confidential. They told me they don't talk to my PILs since AIL and MIL have their own drama (which I had previously heard all about). They are pretty "normal" people unlike many of the other ILs.

I was still guarded, but thought they were safe to communicate with. Then I found out maternal AIL shared something I posted on social media with MIL. It created HUGE drama. I rarely share anything on social media and don't believe there was anything wrong with what I shared, but that is just how MIL is... I wasn't upset with AIL because i knew the root of the drama was MIL being ridiculous as always (and she was probably angry AIL knew her business). So then, next time AIL sent me a message, I wrote her a little and she responded about how the solution was to just bring the kids to see MIL and sort out the issues! Maybe MIL and AIL resolved their issues? And who knows what lies MIL told AIL. I nevrr responded to AIL after that.

Now one of her daughters asked how I'm doing. I'm conflicted to respond. On one side, she may just be fishing for information for MIL. She lives faraway and we haven't seen each other for years (due to PILs hiding H's mental illness then MILs drama with AIL). On the other side, she is a nice person and we have a lot in common. It's probably safest not to respond. Another casualty of the toxic PILs...
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Re: Flying monkeys?

Postby Melody » Wed Aug 30, 2017 3:48 pm

[quote="Mara"]My situation is relatively calm right now. Completely NC with all ILs, aside from paternal AIL who chauffeurs H to his weekly visitation with the kids. Although her and I do not even acknowledge each other after the day we argued about MIL's "rights." No other relatives have even attempted contact aside from maternal AIL and her DD's. I suppose they are probably flying monkeys (although I am not certain if they fit the definition?).

YEA! Glad to hear things are relatively calm for a change!!


At first, they reached out to me and acted sympathetic "we love you, we are here for you, we are sorry you are going through this," etc. they said anything I shared was completely confidential. They told me they don't talk to my PILs since AIL and MIL have their own drama (which I had previously heard all about). They are pretty "normal" people unlike many of the other ILs.

For a week - until they get bored - oh wait, they already are.

I was still guarded,

YES - please continue.

but thought they were safe to communicate with.

Nope!

Then I found out maternal AIL shared something I posted on social media with MIL. It created HUGE drama. I rarely share anything on social media and don't believe there was anything wrong with what I shared, but that is just how MIL is... I wasn't upset with AIL because i knew the root of the drama was MIL being ridiculous as always (and she was probably angry AIL knew her business).

AIL's fault, completely! She KNOWS MIL is ridiculous, but chose to gossip anyway. FLYING MONKEY status CONFIRMED!!!


So then, next time AIL sent me a message, I wrote her a little and she responded about how the solution was to just bring the kids to see MIL and sort out the issues! Maybe MIL and AIL resolved their issues? And who knows what lies MIL told AIL. I nevrr responded to AIL after that.

Go FFFFFF yourself AIL - she CLEARLY doesn't get I AT ALL!!!! Maybe its time to find someone else to bring DH - and that would be the only "sorting out of the issues" I would consider.

Now one of her daughters asked how I'm doing. I'm conflicted to respond.

"Fine", don't elaborate. "How are you?".
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Re: Flying monkeys?

Postby PutMILinherplace » Wed Aug 30, 2017 4:04 pm

Now one of her daughters asked how I'm doing. I'm conflicted to respond. On one side, she may just be fishing for information for MIL. She lives faraway and we haven't seen each other for years (due to PILs hiding H's mental illness then MILs drama with AIL). On the other side, she is a nice person and we have a lot in common. It's probably safest not to respond. Another casualty of the toxic PILs...


Let me ask you an honest question. Could ANY good come out of a relationship with her daughter? And does that good outweigh the bad? Does anything that MIGHT come out of it override the stress you will constantly feel wondering whether or not she is a flying monkey? (My bet would be no)

Why subject yourself, and more importantly your kids, to it? The daughter might be a perfectly delightful girl and may have perfectly honest intentions. HOWEVER, nothing against her, it just may not be a relationship that is worth having.
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Re: Flying monkeys?

Postby Mara » Wed Aug 30, 2017 4:16 pm

Melody wrote:"Fine", don't elaborate. "How are you?".



Yes that is a good idea. Vague response no sharing any sensitive information. I know it's confusing keeping track of the AILs, but the paternal one brings H to visits. I do not talk to her at all, she is an unpleasant person. Maternal AIL is the flying monkey who acted like she was here for me.

Actually - I suppose they are both flying monkeys! I just know better than to talk to paternal AIL because it was so obvious.
Last edited by Mara on Wed Aug 30, 2017 4:34 pm, edited 3 times in total.
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Re: Flying monkeys?

Postby Mara » Wed Aug 30, 2017 4:18 pm

PutMILinherplace wrote:
Now one of her daughters asked how I'm doing. I'm conflicted to respond. On one side, she may just be fishing for information for MIL. She lives faraway and we haven't seen each other for years (due to PILs hiding H's mental illness then MILs drama with AIL). On the other side, she is a nice person and we have a lot in common. It's probably safest not to respond. Another casualty of the toxic PILs...


Let me ask you an honest question. Could ANY good come out of a relationship with her daughter? And does that good outweigh the bad? Does anything that MIGHT come out of it override the stress you will constantly feel wondering whether or not she is a flying monkey? (My bet would be no)

Why subject yourself, and more importantly your kids, to it? The daughter might be a perfectly delightful girl and may have perfectly honest intentions. HOWEVER, nothing against her, it just may not be a relationship that is worth having.


That is a very helpful perspective! I was thinking that myself. I can grieve the loss of a potential friendship because realistically, whatever relationship I could have with her is not worth the anxiety, stress, and risk of drama. It's not a safe relationship if I have to always be careful about what I am sharing.
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Re: Flying monkeys?

Postby rubycrownedkinglet » Wed Aug 30, 2017 5:46 pm

I know how you feel Mara and I agree with all the other posters about the value vs. the risk of keeping contact with extended ILs that, now or later, may be flying monkeys.

We also had DUIL and DAIL, and CIL and his wife whom we liked very much and got along with well. However, we were never so very close to them and just saw them every few years when we visited with the PILs in Redneckia. The extendeds lived an hour or two away and made the trip especially to see us and we enjoyed the visits. When FIL was in the hospital for a month before he died, DUIL and DAIL came and stayed in town to be with us during that difficult time and we got to know them a lot better. They saw first hand how EBIL went AWOL as soon as it was determined that FIL would be in the hospital for a while and how ESIL got banned from visiting after badgering FIL and upsetting him so much he nearly died.

After FIL died, they witnessed that EBIL who had come back to town after we had to return home for a few days, took off again and missed FILs funeral. They witnessed ESIL getting her things ready to move into the house that was supposed to be sold and they knew that it would take an act of congress to get her out, ever.

When it all was said and done, and we had cut the ESIBs off completely, the others still kept in contact with us through Christmas cards and invitations to special events in the family. We didn't go into details about what happened with the ESIBs and we didn't have to because they knew how they were.

However, they would never totally cut off any of their nieces and nephews. They believe in strong family bonds and might avoid difficult people, but they would never have cut them off, so we had to decide to be polite and send a Christmas card, but have very little to say. Otherwise, there was that chance that information would leak to the ESIBs or that even just the mention of us would trigger the ESIBs to start badgering us again with calls and letters.

It was sad because we like the extendeds, but they are the blood relatives of the ESIBs, not adopted DH, and they are just about the only other relatives left alive. DH decided that we just wouldn't respond to them anymore and let them think we moved away or something. We were never going to travel to their state again and would probably never see them again anyway.

ETA: It was DUIL who notified us by text that ESIL had died, which I responded to and I really appreciated. How else would I have known when to start singing, " Ding Dong the Witch Is Dead!"
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Re: Flying monkeys?

Postby bsfighter1 » Thu Aug 31, 2017 8:16 am

Everybody here already said what I was thinking.

Just my two cents... when my stepmonster il and 2 nasty sils were causing so many problems for me years ago, and DH's blood brothers and father just sat back and shrugged their shoulders, while the extended ILs celebrated these witches, I warned him even then, through all my confusion and emotional torment, that targeting one person in the 'family' has a ripple effect on all the other relationships, including the extended il relationships. While the evil ILs carry on with their out of control gossip and meanness to the one they consider the 'least' what they are really doing is hurting themselves too and others in the long run when the target finally takes her power back and rejects them, including their children and all the other flying monkeys.

Even with the severe narcs like stepmonster il and now separated wife of bil who don't seem to care, I think deep down they do. How could ANYONE sever ties for good with stepmonster il and treat her and FIL like they don't exist as grandparents for our children?! Just how much it bothered her was confirmed when she and her puppet (FIL) wouldn't even acknowledge DH at a family gathering a few months ago.

And then with ex-SIL, her main motto in life was "No Regrets" while she brought so much chaos and trouble into other people's lives). I doubt she cared at all when I left that family with my kids going NC with them soon after and DH going very LC, but up to this day (although I'll never know for sure) i have a gut instinct that one of the reasons why the marriage didn't work between her and bil was because of how much our cutoff from the family affected him. She's probably way too stupid toknow that her nastiness toward me and eventual cutoff of that family was one of the many things that might have eventually caused her marriage's demise, and have her scouting around town for baby daddy #3 I hear.

As for the extended ILs who just sat back comfortably and watched the shit show unfold, they were also too stupid and entitled to think that me falling out with the other ILs would have an impact on them. I remember people just shrugging their shoulders like DH's grandparents after the final blowout between me and the ILs, and telling DH "that's too bad" very nonchalantly. I was just DH's wife after all, nothing to be too concerned about. Guess now it's also 'too bad' that this insidious type of family drama has also had an impact on their relationships with DH and my children, and that the children and I don't go to any of their things and doubtful I will be carting my children off to attend any weddings or funerals of theirs putting myself in uncomfortable situations for their sake.

Yeah ripple effects.

That's why relentless abuse of a target in a family is so insidious, because the harm ricochets onto everyone else (guilty and innocent alike). And honestly, bystanders like your DH's maternal aunt who say one thing but then feed into the drama (like my aunt ILs did) deserve it when the relationship with you fizzles.

When a narc(s) inevitably destroy a few relationships in the family, they basically ruin relationships between everyone else too, in all the generations involved.
"I've learned that with narcs, absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder, it makes the heart grow free."
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