FIL borrowing money

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FIL borrowing money

Postby momjeans » Tue Aug 29, 2017 7:37 am

I was going to put this in my other thread, but feel this needs its own.

DH came home last night and stated that FIL came by his work to borrow money. He needed $50, stating he couldn't get it from the bank because "the bank had already closed".

So, what about using a card at the ATM machine; getting cash back on a small purchase at a store; or, gasp, using a check?

Needless to say, this didn't sit right with me, for various reasons.

1) They're both horrible with money. I believe they get "shoppers high" from spending.
2) He's dishonest, obviously, and has a track record of lying about situations involving money.
3) I question if MIL knows he borrowed money. In the recent past, FIL allegedly weaned off of opioids, Ritalin, etc... Controlled substances. And I want zero to do with contributing to any shady behavior.
4) DH was raised and conditioned by two codependent enablers, so this could get sticky when it comes to addressing it with DH. I'm afraid if I make a big hoopla about it, he just won't tell me if/when his dad asks for money again.

What would you do?
Not my family. Not my flying monkeys.
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Re: FIL borrowing money

Postby willthetruthbetold » Tue Aug 29, 2017 6:28 pm

It's a delicate balancing act to have open communication with a DH/DW/SO about their FOO and knowing how much to criticize the ILs when they act badly. My DH stopped telling me when he had contact with FIL and his sister, my horrible Golden SIL because I would get angry and say (honestly) what I thought of them. For instance, my GSIL kept texting family photos to DH in an effort to make him feel guilty about "abandoning" their family by moving away and marrying me. She had taken all the family photos years ago, something even MIL complained about, and refused to show them to anyone else. GSIL tried manipulating DH by sending him occasional photos of himself as a baby, along with "Remember how much fun we used to have doing X, Y and Z?" DH would show me the photo and I'd get angry and criticize GSIL for stealing the family photos. DH couldn't handle my criticism and stopped telling me when GSIL had contact. The same thing would happen when DH would call FIL and FIL would emotionally abuse DH. DH would be upset and tell me how the convo went and I'd ask him why he even bothered to have contact with FIL. DH didn't want to confront the issues with his toxic father and would rather keep up his futile hopes that FIL would treat him decently.
DH stopped telling me about contact with his father and sister but then he started having screaming night terrors every time he was considering calling them or after having talked to them. I felt worse that he was keeping this info from me.
I'd suggest that you try to keep communication open with your DH about your FIL. It hurts when they stop being totally forthright with you. Ask "innocent" questions about what your DH thinks he needs the money for and when he expects your FIL to pay it back. Find a way to innocently/accidentally leak the information to your ILs about your FIL's borrowing. Ask your FIL how his rehab is going. Your DH should be concerned about his father's behavior and probably has questions of his own.
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Re: FIL borrowing money

Postby rubycrownedkinglet » Tue Aug 29, 2017 6:58 pm

willthetruthbetold wrote:'d suggest that you try to keep communication open with your DH about your FIL. It hurts when they stop being totally forthright with you. Ask "innocent" questions about what your DH thinks he needs the money for and when he expects your FIL to pay it back. Find a way to innocently/accidentally leak the information to your ILs about your FIL's borrowing. Ask your FIL how his rehab is going. Your DH should be concerned about his father's behavior and probably has questions of his own.

^^^This. The best way to have DH on your team is to be a team player. When it comes to your ILs, you are on team DH and you are so sad for him that they are behaving the way they are.

Things I said to DH:
Is she really that inconsiderate of your feelings? I'm not sure she can even think of anyone else. Maybe that's just the way she's wired.
Does she always get her way? Why? Are people afraid of her temper?
I feel badly for ESIL, but I feel more badly for you, DH. I wish things were better and they called you with their good news for a change. Doesn't it seem like they only call when they want something from you? Is that just my perception?

In your case, like WTTBT I would ask the kind of questions that will make DH think about the money as a loss.
Maybe suggest he never mention it again to FIL just to see if he will pay DH back of his own volition. Like a test. With my DH I would have laughed about it and bet on whether FIL would ever pay it back. If DH has to face the fact that any money going to the ILs will never be paid back, he will eventually think twice. If my DH realized he'd have to cheat (remind FIL to pay it back) to win the bet, he'd face the truth without me telling him anything.
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Re: FIL borrowing money

Postby Melody » Tue Aug 29, 2017 8:38 pm

I completely agree wih the answers but would be pushier -keep it "innocent" asking DH often when FIL was paying back the "loan" (which you know is the 22nd of never). Meanwhile if FIL does this even five times, its still cheaper than a therapy session. But hey, DH needs to see the crap FIL is pulling for himself.
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