SIL RANT!

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SIL RANT!

Postby highheelfeminist » Sat Aug 26, 2017 12:41 am

I wish I found you guys earlier I really do! So now that MIL is silenced... for now! SIL's apology was very short lived! She has always been jealous of me and if I have ever done something she's gone ahead and copied it. She even admits that she tried to break me and DH up
Because she was jealous of me... I have it in writing ;)

DH and I have wanted to get a dog together for years, I adopted his family dog and was the only one apart from BIL who cared for him. SIL hates dogs and had a cat, she even tried to get MIL to give the family dog to the pound because she didn't like him. Fast forward this year DH and I move overseas and mention we want to get a dog together. I was home a lot and being a country I don't speak the language DH and I thought it was the perfect time.

Well I wish I kept my mouth shut around DH's aunt and Grandma! We mentioned getting a dog to them and then the next week SIL's boyfriend is getting her a dog... the exact same breed as the one we wanted! When showing his grandma a picture of a dog we saw at the rescue shelter the week after, her face said "oh shit they know I said to MIL and SIL that they are getting a dog and now SIL is getting a dog". DH saw her face before me, but it was a massive stab in the back. We didn't speak to SIL at the time nor MIL, but they some how always knew our business.

I had my rant at DH about it who agreed 100% that it was just a stab at us who was going to get the dog first and if we got the dog we wanted MIL and SIL would have the satisfaction of saying we copied SIL and are jealous of her life and they were keeping tabs on what we were doing.

SIL apologized to DH a month or so ago. But she never apologized to me, she said only to DH... actually fb messaged it. And I convinced DH that it was ok to talk to her but to be careful as we were told from his Aunt that she wasn't happy in her relationship and felt trapped because her boyfriend had his head up her parents behinds.

BOY WAS I WRONG! DH birthday was a week ago and she called he mentioned I was in the car and he was driving so she was on loud speaker... well she never acknowledged my presence despite me saying hello. I gave DH a look that said end the call now. SIL's boyfriend messaged DH like they were old friends when in reality he was talking behind DH back, they shared a friendship group but were never friends and actually didnt like each other. He started dating SIL as soon as DH moved overseas and never once mentioned it to him, instead he talked I'll of him behind his back. Thank god the friendship group was not having any of it and called out SIL's Boyfriend out on it.

Yesterday she messaged us a picture of her dog. DH was not having any of it and just said it to her straight that it was pretty petty for her to get a dog to knowing we wanted to get that dog and she hates dogs. She messaged back with a "I never got the dog out of competition, or being jealous" DH kept calling her out on it. But boy did we have a fight about it!

Now she claims it was BIL who told her about the dog when BIL is 16 and had no idea we wanted to get a dog, and now he is being punished by MIL because SIL is upset some one won't go along with her pettiness. She has bombarded us with messages and then said "do you think my boyfriend has nothing better to do than to be jealous of you? He already has SFIL as his best friend, SFIL doesn't even care for you, and MIL loves him, MIL hates your wife. BIL is all he has to go and you are replaced." After thinking I was crazy for even caring that they got the dog first, that message confirmed that it was in fact just a petty ploy to annoy us. DH has not slept all night because of that last message.


I feel like an idiot for falling for her "apology", it was just a way to weasel into our lives and cause stress and to inform MIL of what we were doing. Thanks for letting me rant, I would have exploded if I didn't.
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Re: SIL RANT!

Postby jigglypuff » Sat Aug 26, 2017 2:07 am

Wow, your SIL is a piece of work. She is extremely petty and it looks like she's met her match made in hell, her equally petty BF. They are both cut from the same soiled cloth.

I understand this copying/jealous thing. My ESIL did it to me too but not as severe as yours. I think my ESIL tried her best not to make it obvious to the ILs, knowing it would make her look bad. But your SIL is being enabled by her family so she's able to get away with it.

The last message she sent you is a slap to both your faces. She's made it perfectly clear that your DH is the black sheep, hated and envied by his own family. That is insanely sad and pathetic. I know it hurts him deeply but in a way, he should be proud only because the reason they hate him is due to the fact that he's nothing like them. He isn't apart of the toxicity and so cannot be included in their little clique of destruction. If you're not one of them, then they will come for you.

You have nothing to feel bad about. You tried and got taken advantage of. You accepted her apology because you were hoping for a second shot at being a complete family. I get it. I used to kick myself for accepting my ESIL's apology too but I did so because I wanted peace and a chance of true friendship. We didn't know what was coming. Now you know she can never offer you any of these things.

Have you guys talked about going NC? I hope you and your DH are feeling better today.
Oh and good luck on finding your dog. I hope this doesn't deter you from getting the dog you want.
'As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to ruin it for me'
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Re: SIL RANT!

Postby bsfighter1 » Sat Aug 26, 2017 8:49 am

Hey. I just responded to you in first message warning you about SIL and seems like her behaviours and turning on you came WAY sooner than later!

I would cross her name out of the 'flying monkey' category I suggested, where you talk maybe interact on occasion but keep everything surface because you know she'll gossip with mil about your business, and just put her in the 'permanent no contact' with mil moving forward. She is so enmeshed with her mother that she has become psycho junior. Don't feel sorry for her. She chose that reality because that is who she is. There have been lots of people who come from crappy families but because their character is so different from the poisoned people around them they just can't (and won't) fit in because it's not them. Birds of a feather flock together. The only one I'm sorry for is you young bil who sounds like the target of the family now that you and DH live far away. :(

I have a SIL too (really just a wife of a bil) who was a complete snake and creep. From the moment this woman entered the picture things got shady really fast and although she was good at maintaining her angelic image I knew deep down that she was cleverly putting other aggressive individuals up to her dirty work by constantly playing the innocent victim. I believe she was jealous of me too and felt so insecure yet entitled at the same time that she would do anything to be on top, even if it meant being a catalyst for deep divisions in the 'family.' I happily cut her off 4.5 years ago with the rest of the lot. Flash forward... a few years ago she contacted me (not with an apology mind you) but just because she wanted the 'family' back together.

When I called her out on everything and she realized I wasn't putting up with innocent victim 'shtick' she changed her tune and 'apologized.' Granted, she didn't apologize as specifically as your SIL did, but she displayed so much interest in wanting to talk everything through so we could put everything out on the table and resolve things. I played along just because I needed to vent to someone who was a part of the problem, but in my heart I knew I could never truly be friends with this woman or let her back in my life again. Some might say that's holding grudges, but for me, once someone crosses a certain line (and believe me my ILs crossed many very intentionally) they are out.

There are so many people in the world who could be potential friends, why would I want to put effort into a friendship with someone who has already identified themselves as an enemy? I can even wish the person peace, but that does not make us friends. To make a long story even longer, it wasn't long before this SIL reverted back into her old, sneaky and manipulative ways and my gut instinct to stay away from her no matter how sweet she appeared served me well once more.

As for your DH's grandparents and aunts, FLYING MONKEY ALERT!! They are enmeshed in the toxicity too and can't be trusted. My DH's aunts and grandparents are the same and enable fil's and smil's behaviour, and have never had mine or DH's best interests at heart. I've always been on guard with them, never spoken anything to them that I don't want getting back to the ILs about my life and personal business. Now I'm gradually fading out of their lives, since I'll conveniently be too busy to see them if DH and kids want to visit, and I'm watching them very closely with my kids in terms of boundaries. I'm sorry to say but DH's aunts and grandparents aren't your friends. Their loyalty is to their psycho sister/daughter. Once I fully accepted that fact, I wasn't so shocked anymore by aunts and grandparents presumptuous attitudes, and could back away slowly without fanning anymore of that family's drama.

Sorry you had to have such a rude wake up call, but honestly if all the family around your mil truly thought she was the problem they would be the ones telling her to seek help for her personality disorder and drawing their own boundaries if she didn't.
"I've learned that with narcs, absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder, it makes the heart grow free."
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Re: SIL RANT!

Postby rubycrownedkinglet » Sat Aug 26, 2017 11:16 am

They call imitation the sincerest form of flattery, so why is it so annoying?!
I experienced a similar thing with my ESIL and somewhat with my EBIL. Whenever we got a new car for sure, they each would go make some big ticket purchase or trade in their used car for another used car, with higher payments.

The irony is that we were living 600 miles away. Why did it matter to them what car we were driving? If they were ever going to see it, it would be once per year for the next 7-10 years, because we didn't buy new cars often. I consider a car comfortable transportation and I especially enjoy a car that we got a smoking hot deal on and pay off as quickly as possible. Cars drive much better when they are paid for and last a long time. Obviously, the ESIBs considered cars a symbol of status and being able to buy a new car a symbol of wealth, and the more expensive the better. Talking about a new car was lording that status over them because their credit was so bad that they could only finance the bottom of the barrel cars at the highest interest rates. Most of the time, because we rarely talked to the ESIBs at all, they got the news from MIL. I wonder how she told them, and was she to blame for their reaction?

As for dogs. Sadly, MIL let DH get dogs several times when he was a boy. As soon as MIL got tired of the dog, or the dog chewed something or had an accident it was gone. Just gone. DH would get home from school and be told he left the gate open or that someone had stolen the dog, yadda yadda yadda. He had his heart broken so many times, he just gave up.

We got our first Chocolate Lab in 2002 and brought him to Redneckia once. He was still a puppy and very rambunctious, but so cute. EBIL looked down his nose at our sweet boy because he was a mixed-breed rescue dog. He looked full blooded, but his mother was half "something else". Sure enough, both ESIL and soon EBIL got Labs, and bragged about their papers and how much they cost. Finally they had one-upped us! But of course we didn't care. We loved our dog who was smarter and more loving than any other dog we'd ever known (until our sweet girl we have now, of course).

ESIL had a string of many dogs, mostly large, for a few months at a time. Then they were gone. They just couldn't handle the responsibility to be honest. You can't just tie a dog up outside and expect they won't bark and have behavior problems. You have to exercise them and train them. Eventually she bought a couple of Chihuahuas which were much more her speed, especially because she said she didn't have to "let them out." :o :lol:

EBILs pattern was that he would "move out" of MILs house for a few months, buy a dog then have to give it away when he moved back to his momma's, over and over. Sad for the animals, but they ended up in better homes. Any home would be better than that.

About the imitation. I think I look at your scenario a little differently, highheelfeminist. I never mentioned anything to my ESIL about her copying me in so many ways. I let her have that, because I felt like it didn't take anything away from me. If I were you, I'd just let it go. I'd take satisfaction is knowing that you feel no envy for her, but she is eating her heart out over you. If you could give a toxic person a gift they totally deserve, it's having them envy you. I also think it's a satisfying gift for you to know about it, because you did nothing on purpose to cause it. Let her suffer and enjoy the show. Popcorn, anyone?
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Re: SIL RANT!

Postby anonvent » Sat Aug 26, 2017 12:50 pm

Good grief! What is with these looney-tic SILs?? They all follow the same pattern. SIL is extremely jealous of me also. Right before DH and I married I bought a very nice used luxury SUV. I bought it with MY money and also sold my luxury sports car and used that money toward the SUV. I don't like having car payments. Years later this psycho witch complained to DH that he "bought (me) that new SUV". She was angry all those years because she thought he bought me my SUV and she thought it was brand new. It was 4 years old when I bought it but it was in excellent condition plus I take good care of my things. SIL must have complained to high heaven anyway and her DH bought her a brand new SUV. It was a larger model but the same color as mine. Cra-zy.

I have noticed over the years that she copies and tries to compete with me. I tried to see it as "imitation being the highest form of flattery". She can't physically compete with me so more recently she's pitted her young adult daughter against me. lol!!! It is bizarre.
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Re: SIL RANT!

Postby anonvent » Sat Aug 26, 2017 12:57 pm

bsfighter1 wrote:
There are so many people in the world who could be potential friends, why would I want to put effort into a friendship with someone who has already identified themselves as an enemy? I can even wish the person peace, but that does not make us friends. To make a long story even longer, it wasn't long before this SIL reverted back into her old, sneaky and manipulative ways and my gut instinct to stay away from her no matter how sweet she appeared served me well once more.
.


This is perfect! Exactly how I feel.
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Re: SIL RANT!

Postby momjeans » Sat Aug 26, 2017 1:45 pm

Yo, highheelfeminist

Your best defense and guard with nuts like SIL and the rest of the family:

- Stay tight lipped about your business. Yeah, don't even share with aunts, uncles, cousins, grandmas, etcetera.

- Don't acknowledge photos/texts about SIL's dog. Like, legit claim that cute photo somehow wasn't delivered on your, or DH's, end via text. Seriously, end that pissing contest right now. The power is in your hands.

- Focus on being a good dog parent to your own. If SIL is connected to you in anyway on social media, just go to town and dote over your own dog... and make sure you turn off commenting, to keep SIL's passive aggressive comments at bay. That will eat your SIL to the core.
If you don't want to be part of the show, don't heckle the comedian.
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Re: SIL RANT!

Postby Melody » Sat Aug 26, 2017 2:14 pm

I'm starting to lose track of all these weirdo SILs who become obsessed with imitation. My ex's brother and his wife tended to follow whatever we did (and we're both younger) and it was a little weird, but they were nice about it and boosted my self confidence.

This women, however, are not your friends! They remind me of the movie "Single White Female" which came out after I finished grad school and had my first "adult" apartment with "adult" friends and neighbors. Somewhat big changes that made creepy movies, creepier. The new roommate (Jennifer Jason Leigh) at first seems like a dear friend, but then she keeps imitating the movie's heroin - Bridette Fonda:

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0105414/

So I agree - stay as clear of these people as you possibly can, and keep your business YOUR business.
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Re: SIL RANT!

Postby jigglypuff » Sat Aug 26, 2017 11:37 pm

I played along just because I needed to vent to someone who was a part of the problem, but in my heart I knew I could never truly be friends with this woman or let her back in my life again. Some might say that's holding grudges, but for me, once someone crosses a certain line (and believe me my ILs crossed many very intentionally) they are out.


Like the saying goes, when someone shows you who they are...

That is exactly what our ILs are showing us, their true selves.

They remind me of the movie "Single White Female"


Yup, that's what I'd refer to ESIL when talking about her to others. You can google "Single white female syndrome". It's described as a woman who lacks depth and is highly insecure. Basically, they have no sense of self so they become chameleons and adopt to the ways of others.

My ESIL has no brain of her own. Whatever EBIL thinks or likes, she also thinks and likes. She's as bland as they come. Be wary of these kinds of women, they are highly dysfunctional. Many men seem to like them because they think these women are just sharing common interests but they're not, they simply have no real interests of their own.
'As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to ruin it for me'
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Re: SIL RANT!

Postby IrishLass » Mon Aug 28, 2017 9:53 am

Wow, I feel for you big time. No advice, just hope you can keep venting here. Your sanity will thank you later.
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Re: SIL RANT!

Postby mamarama » Thu Aug 31, 2017 2:52 pm

rubycrownedkinglet wrote:They call imitation the sincerest form of flattery, so why is it so annoying?!


That was my first thought too! But then I read on...

She is emotionally immature and I don't blame you for not wanting to deal with it. Her petty and p/a BS is beneath you and doesn't deserve to be dignified with any acknowledgement or response. Or relationship. Not worth the head space. Yeah, she's irritating and dramatic, but she's not a very clever manipulator and you shouldn't let her get you so upset. Isn't that her intent, to upset you? You win by dropping the rope. I wish you an undefeated season ;)
Last edited by mamarama on Thu Aug 31, 2017 6:06 pm, edited 3 times in total.
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Re: SIL RANT!

Postby mamarama » Thu Aug 31, 2017 2:53 pm

Melody wrote:This women, however, are not your friends! They remind me of the movie "Single White Female" which came out after I finished grad school and had my first "adult" apartment with "adult" friends and neighbors. Somewhat big changes that made creepy movies, creepier. The new roommate (Jennifer Jason Leigh) at first seems like a dear friend, but then she keeps imitating the movie's heroin - Bridette Fonda:

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0105414/

So I agree - stay as clear of these people as you possibly can, and keep your business YOUR business.



You know, Jennifer Jason Leigh's character ended up throwing that puppy off a balcony, killing it. Oh damn.
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