PIL and my wedding warning Super long vent

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PIL and my wedding warning Super long vent

Postby CantstandmyILs » Wed Aug 23, 2017 3:00 pm

OK bare with me cause it's been a long time I haven't posted.

So I had my wedding day on Friday. I posted before that just DH parents are invited and no one else during the wedding. So I am going to start of that it was not my intention to speak to them at all just to say thank you for coming and raising my DH. Most of my family and friends know that DH family and us don't see each other.

So let's skip detail and just start talking about PILs. I know some of yous even have suggested to rethink my marriage or not invite the PILs

Anyway I get to the venue at 3pm and DH gets there at 430. His parents gets there same time as him. I told DH as soon as he gets to the venue to send my kids to my room. Well he didn't. He said the kids weren't completely ready. After asking my mom to call him to send them uo my room. I then asked my ODS what he was doing downstairs. He then said that my sister pull DH parents and my kids to take pics with PILs phone. WTF!! He said about 20 pics she took. I asked ODS if daddy was in the pic and he said no. He didn't took pics with DH and PILs with my kids. My sister knows how I feel about PILs. I didn't want PILs to be in the same room as my kids or even take pics with them.

OK so after ceremony is done and we are close to almost cocktail ending. DJ asked for PILs to come to the hall but my sister decided to call them earlier. They congrats us and I said thank you. After that DJ was arranging us and my sister again decided to tell PILs to take pics again. I told her to forget it and pay attention. Well we enter the reception.

Through the night my friends told me that my sister was all up on their ass. I place PILs in other side of the room with some friends but my sister took it upon herself to switch PILs to another table. Stating that I never wrote down which table they were suppose to sit. I said yes I did.

Anyway I didn't spoke with them but after DH and I cut the cake FIL decided to come up to us to thank us for inviting them and being a part of our day. I said thank you for coming and raising my DH. That I am so in love with him. I tried again to stay clear. Even when I was at the bar MIL was there and I just ignored her.

So now here comes the interested part. PIls kept following us I felt like they just wanted as much pictures of us as they can. As DH was in the hallway leaving back to the reception after pictures PILs following again FIL came up to me and started saying he loved me and it doesn't matter if SIL/BIL talks shit about me or the rest of the family. That he wants to be a part of our lives and he has no hard feelings. I just had to tell him. So I told him that I don't care what any of his family has to say about me cause in the long run they don't pay my bills or help in raising our children. he then said he never did anything to us. I said well tech not but he have stole money from us and that upset me. He did apologize to me and it did look sincere. He said he didn't mean that and that he knows he hurt us. I told him well that was the past. We did needed the money back then but now we are good. Then MIL chimed in say she always loved me as DH wife. I told her well I was never his wife and never called myself wife. For the first 5 yrs I never felt loved from any of them. She told me she has told DH to see if we can get together and talked but he never did. I told her same here. I told her if she liked us 4 to sit down I am fine but there will be strict boundaries that need to be followed esp when it comes to my kids which I am over protective of them. I won't let anyone come and go and as she can see my father isn't here so that tells you. She's like that's a shame and he could of given me to DH. I said even if he was invited he wouldn't do that since he didn't help in raising me and he don't deserve the roll. She said she have told DF for us to go to her house to talk and I told her that would never happened. That if she interested she can go out with us and I know sh likes to go out since she went to Disney with SIL. As we were almost done cause I just want to dance My sister again chimed in and started to say we should all squash shit and have the kids enjoy the grandparents. After trying to kick her out the convo 5 times I just had to leave it like that. I told MIL if she wants to meet to call DH and he will set it up.

Fast forward to Sunday now after our wedding.

I went walking with my friend and she told me that 1 of my friends decided to ask her to stay in the bathroom with her to talk to MIL. She said it's time for all of us to talk. So MIL went in the bathroom with my 2 friends and they started talking to MIL. They said that they told her maybe it's time to sit and talked and be a family. MIL said yes it's true that she told DH but he never did anything. My friend said he won't take the first step. So she started saying that she don't know how this all started and what I wanted from her. She will defend her daughter and I should know that since I am a mom. My friend goes IDK what happened with your daughter. All I know that she isn't interested about your daughter. She then said what kind of person I am since I don't even let BIL go out with DH or my son. IDK what she's talking about cause BIL don't come around my house cause of his GF. Again my friend said she doesn't know anything about SIL or BIL but if she's willing to work things out she has to follow my boundaries which is no pics nor giving parenting advice. That's only if they are willing if not just to forget about it cause I am not going to kiss no one's ass. That I am strong will and don't budge to anything and shes agreed saying that I have a strong personality. She said hat FIL has epilepsy that she feels horrible that the family is falling apart. That it's not fair the sibling are mad at DH. Again my friend told her that they including her did me wrong. That she should apologize for making me feel horrible and if they want to move forward that she has to understand to not think about including SIL nor BIL.

After that the night ended. I didn't spoke with them no more toward the last song I was dancing and FIL did grab to dance. I didn't want to disgrace the dance with my videographer filming. The night ended again I said thank you for coming and that's it.

I am so upset with my sister cause how she handle everything. After all she knows how I am. With her who needs enemies. She always butt in to everything. When my LO was born she told my DF to call PILs to tell them LO was born. or every holiday she would asked if he visit PILs. She also told him how stupid he was that he wouldn't take my kids to see PILs that he shouldn't listen to me. Every time she brings ILs she always say I need to be the bigger person for the sake of the kids that it's been far too long and maybe they changed.

Anyway I am still on the fence of seeing them or meeting them for a sit down. 1 because I am so scared of falling into that again where we went into it and that DH don't defend me and I feel like I am ganged up and DH don't have my back once again. I just don't want to reverse to that train again. No one understands me
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Re: PIL and my wedding warning Super long vent

Postby WatchingMyBack » Wed Aug 23, 2017 4:02 pm

Congratulations on your wedding.

I'm so sorry they had to butt in and cause you stress and strife on what should have been a joyous day.

Your sister is wrong for creating all this drama on that day. Your friends shouldn't have gotten involved either. All they did was make your MIL defensive and try to excuse or deflect the behaviors.

If it is all being left to your DH, then likely nothing more will come of it and you can go on as before being NC or LC.

If your lives have been better without them, leave them out. Have your sit down, but I wouldn't make it a bitch fest rehashing the past because you can't unwag the dog and make it magically go away. All that usually happens is they try to soft pedal it and make out that you blew it out of proportion and its all your overacting.

My IL mistake was allowing them to make me the guilty party over their bad behavior for the sake of making DH happy. He never stood up for me. PIL are dead and gone, but they went to their graves believing hating me as much as the day they met me.
“Make no judgments where you have no compassion.”
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Re: PIL and my wedding warning Super long vent

Postby bsfighter1 » Thu Aug 24, 2017 8:30 pm

To be honest, I'm more mad at your sister and friends then your ILs after reading this post. Before sitting down with the ILs (and I agree with the comment that it's very possible it will be a fruitless endeavour with either them shifting blame back on you, or else pretending like what happened is the past and no big deal, and they can't understand why you're still upset) I would have a lonnng talk with your sister, basically telling her to either butt out of your personal affairs, or get the heck out of a close relationship with you! Really, why is she soooo in love with your ILs? Weird.
"I've learned that with narcs, absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder, it makes the heart grow free."
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Re: PIL and my wedding warning Super long vent

Postby mamarama » Thu Aug 31, 2017 11:54 am

bsfighter1 wrote:To be honest, I'm more mad at your sister and friends then your ILs after reading this post. Before sitting down with the ILs (and I agree with the comment that it's very possible it will be a fruitless endeavour with either them shifting blame back on you, or else pretending like what happened is the past and no big deal, and they can't understand why you're still upset) I would have a lonnng talk with your sister, basically telling her to either butt out of your personal affairs, or get the heck out of a close relationship with you! Really, why is she soooo in love with your ILs? Weird.


This 1000%. I agree that I'm more peeved with your sister right now than the ILs. I get the way your sister thinks. I don't agree with it, but I get it. My sis is the same way -- no matter what people do, you should tolerate it because they're faaaamily. Sis can't help herself when we are together or talk -- she always brings up the people I've CO and has even cried about it, once at dd's birthday party! She cried herself silly in front of everyone because I don't allow dd around my toxic, unsafe mother. Of course, because she did this at the party, all of the guests saw her crying fit and inadvertently got dragged into the drama. UGH! I ended up having to tell my sis that I will not be rehashing the ordeal or my decision every time we talk and that if she can't leave my parents out of it, then it will greatly affect her relationship not only with me but with dd. That didn't stop her. Now we rarely talk. Such a pity.
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Re: PIL and my wedding warning Super long vent

Postby CantstandmyILs » Tue Sep 05, 2017 11:44 am

I hear you. DH and I went to our honeymoon the day before my sister got into an argument with my mom pertaining to MY ILs. Yup mine. She wanted my mom to try to convince me to make amends with my ILs. My mom told her she isn't going to do that. That I am a grown up and make my own decisions.

When we came back from our honeymoon sister join us for a water park. I felt it wasn't the right time to discuss anything. This Sat she invited us to go out for my nephew's bday. Thats when I am going to decide to talk to her. My mom is coming so it will be good us 3 to get together and lay everything on the table. I am so upset with my sister and i will have to bring it up to her. My DH dont want me to CO her but to keep my distance since our kids are close to her. Maybe just talk when holidays or something. If it gets to that point. My mom said it prob goes into an argument cause my sister gets mad quickly.

I told my mom that DH and I talked during our honeymoon about everything. He send pics of us to his parents after the wedding and he said he didn't thought of anything wrong since it wasn't pics of our kids. I said they have a lot of pics they took of us during the wedding. I told him I felt like he could of talked to his parents and lay ground rules so everyone was in the same page. He said he didn't want to ruin the day. I said whose day cause that day was all about him and I not his parents my sister or no one else. He said he didn't know his parents would of went up to me and he didn't know til the ending. I told him that day left me with a bad taste and that I would rather continue living the way we are living with NC with any ILs since again he couldn't say shit knowing full well how I felt and how I am. I told him I know he wouldn't stand up to his parents and again he said most likely not. So whats the point, I told him not only I am thinking about my feelings but how it will effect at home as well. If this meeting would ever after which I know it won't. They say something I dont like and I would say something back and he will be in the middle not saying anything. When we get home he and I argue about it, I get mad for days and then my kids will see that. Why bring that kind of negativity into our home again. He told me maybe my sister the way she was it prob gave ILs to come up to me or OK to take pics of the kids. I said OK but maybe you could of said something again before the wedding and he didnt. He also told me that his mom told him that we should make amends with SIL. He told her that is never going to happened. She told him well maybe we should try. Me? Really no not me. I never did shit to her. She also told him about BIL. He said that with BIL it was all his doing not us.

So this Sat I am going to talk to my sister about everything cause it's not only about my ILs but I also asked her about my nephew cause my nephew screams he was just diagnoise with austim but he's always yelling and I didn't want that during my ceremony and she didn't care so during we were doing the sand in the vse my nephew started yelling and everyone stop and looked. I also told her to leave her phone in the room since she is attach to her phone nope her phone rang or something. Then during cocktail hr she asked my mom to take my nephew in the reception but with his yelling she got frustrated and took him out to the hall yelling that he is screaming and she don't want to stay. I told her that a wedding is not a place for children. I didn't understand why her bf couldn't stay with him since he wasn't coming to the wedding. She claimed she wanted him then but yet she was running around and didn't give much attention to him to the point she couldn't find him cause he wonder around. He got mad cause the venue didn't provide nuggets so she also left the venue to Mickey Ds to get nuggets for my nephew. Like really I said no children why would I even consider nuggets not even my children I considered during dinner selection. I find it that she was rude and even through my planning she had a say to my decision so I stop telling her anything.

Let's just say that I am just not please with her. Now that everything are getting back to normal at my home.
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Re: PIL and my wedding warning Super long vent

Postby Melody » Tue Sep 05, 2017 1:55 pm

I'll only disagree with you a little here. Weddings can be a place for children - BUT that's the call of the bride and groom, not anyone else. I'm remarried and didn't want a big fanfare. DH and I had a lovely ceremony and reception in a state park catering hall with 80 adults and 40 kids. It made things great for my older children accepting stepdad (he already accepted them). We had a craft table, lots of party favors for everyone (adults too!), and while there were traditional flowers too, my husband had a drink or two and decided on jack-in-the boxes as center pieces. (Almost peed myself - yes he's FUN!).

Anyway, I'd be livid with your sister too, WOW!! She is SOOOO incredibly out of line and VERY inappropriate! And I bet she's the type who has ALLLLLLL the answers about YOUR problems, but if she were dealing with ANYTHING similar it would be "so different". She'd do the SAME as what you have to do or much worse, siting how it was somehow "different".

Forgive my crassness, but when I saw her next, I'd so be tempted to say something to her like, "Don't talk to me at all until you get laid. You obviously need it!".
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Re: PIL and my wedding warning Super long vent

Postby mamarama » Wed Sep 06, 2017 8:39 am

I'd leave your mom out of the conversation you have with sis on Saturday. None of this has anything to do with your mom, and she's a smart woman for staying out of the drama. Your sister tried to triangulate your mother into the problem, not you.

I really don't get what's wrong with her. I can understand the faaaamily philosophy, but she's really going overboard with it. Trying to drag your mother into other people's problems that have nothing to do with either of them is crazy. Heck, I wouldn't wait until Saturday to talk to sis. I'd do it beforehand. I say that because I don't want any drama to disrupt little nephew's birthday. Your sister will most likely get highly emotional and flip out and then blame YOU for ruining her kid's bday party. she is ruled by emotions, not reason. And yes, I do see her having an emotional breakdown at the get-together. Not that it will really be your fault, but I see this train wreck coming from a mile away. Just cover all your bases.
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Re: PIL and my wedding warning Super long vent

Postby CantstandmyILs » Thu Sep 07, 2017 9:55 am

Thank you all. I don't know how to start the convo with her. I wanted to call her when I drop my LO off to the bus.

I don't want to involve my mom either. She advise me to let it go cause the wedding is over. Anyway me bringing it up will just cause an argument. I told my mom that I know if it was me doing it to her she would of been pissed off. It still bugs me.

When holidays comes she even asked my DH if he already visit his parents. Like really wtf. She has more issues with her relationship than me. Oh but if I go and say something she blows up on me and hangs up. Say 1 wrong thing about her man and she goes all defensive. That's why I don't say shit about her man or how she lives her life cause no matter what I say at the end of the day she will do as she pleases.

I still want to say something to her but don't know how to approach the subject.
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Re: PIL and my wedding warning Super long vent

Postby Melody » Thu Sep 07, 2017 10:55 am

This is what I was trying to get at. Your sister has ALLLLLL the answers when it comes to whatever you're dealing with. But flip the tables and its SOOOO different in her situation. (And it probably is, I'm sure her's is much easier!).

I absolutely agree with DON'T involve your mom, but I would still confront her because this won't go away. Maybe try to approach the conversation with something like "You know how you didn't like when I said something about XX (whatever stupid situation). Well, it upsets me when you interfere with my situation - you don't deal directly with the whole story."
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Re: PIL and my wedding warning Super long vent

Postby CantstandmyILs » Fri Sep 08, 2017 10:11 pm

I haven't talked to her. She called me Wed all day but I didn't pick up and then she called me yesterday but with the kids starting school 730 wasn't the time to pick up and talked I told her I'll call her back when I drop LO off on the us at 12 so I called her and her phone was off but it died like always. She called me today but I left my phone in the car while I went out to eat and when I got home I called her back but she said she will call me back and here I am still waiting. That's another reason I don't call her cause either she is working or when I talk to her she is talking to someone else.
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Re: PIL and my wedding warning Super long vent

Postby mamarama » Thu Sep 14, 2017 12:26 pm

Have you talked with her yet? How did it go?
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Re: PIL and my wedding warning Super long vent

Postby CantstandmyILs » Thu Sep 14, 2017 1:08 pm

I haven't talked to her. I actually keeping my distance. I rather do that. Too old to fight. If she ask then I would tell her. Since the wedding I have mix emotions of her. I don't want to cut her out but just keep my distance and talk just hi and bye and how the kids.
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Re: PIL and my wedding warning Super long vent

Postby CantstandmyILs » Thu Sep 14, 2017 1:13 pm

Now with my ILs my ODS asked when he will see them but I haven't responded with that. DH and I discussed it and we agreed we will keep the CO the way it is. For starters he isn't willing to speak to his parents on boundaries so that would leave me doing the talking and I don't think that is fair. I don't know how to talk to ODS about it anymore.
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