MIL coming to visit..or not?

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MIL coming to visit..or not?

Postby banana93 » Thu Aug 17, 2017 10:02 am

A week ago MIL called and messaged her sons to say she would be driving through town and wanted to stop and see them. Okay, whatever.. she tells DH she wants to sit down with us and have lunch or something. DH just says "uh-huh". She replies, "Don't you think it’s time she (me) drops this?" DH changes the subject and manages to get off the phone without either of them screaming at each other.

Golden BIL told SIL before her DH could tell her, she says “okay but I need to know the dates she is coming because I have my Grandma’s 97th birthday at the end of the month.” We are assuming golden BIL must have relayed this to MIL making it sound like SIL was going to take her grandson and avoid her when she comes. (Golden BIL and MIL feed off each other, gossip, and lie to each other, its f*cked and they both cause issues with everyone else.) We think this because no more than 24hours after MIL said she was coming, we hear she’s not coming anymore.

Golden BIL’s girlfriend (also on MILs bad side and coming around to realizing the bigger picture) told us that MIL had a meltdown, crying and saying she’s not coming anymore because she just can’t handle the DIL’s drama. Again whatever.. who cares. Golden BIL told his girlfriend to message his mom and say something nice and tell her to come.. (LOL) she said no because MIL hasn't apologized to her and she won't keep enabling MIL to treat her poorly.

SIL (who is a saint or a glutton for punishment) messaged MIL yesterday, to be the bigger person, “Hey, I heard you might be stopping through at the end of the month. If you want to come a few days sooner, (Grandsons) daycare fell through on August 28th if you’d like to take him for the day?” She responded that she would be there!
I don’t know how my SIL, knowing what she does, is able to do this.
..So now she’s coming?? so far MIL hasn't told DH her plans to visit.

Obviously SIL will have a backup because MIL has been so bipolar.
None of this affects me directly because I won’t see her at all anyway. Just entertaining to watch the crazy unfold. Can’t wait to see what happens at the end of the month if she ever gets here.
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Re: MIL coming to visit..or not?

Postby rubycrownedkinglet » Thu Aug 17, 2017 10:52 am

It is a crazy show, isn't it? My DH would say making plans with that kind of people was like "herding cats". Everyone is running around and no one is getting anywhere.

I was glad we were the ones who did the visiting. It's so much better to be in control and to call the time to leave, etc.

Still, it may be a good strategy to just sit back and see what happens. The best thing when someone you don't want to see is planning a visit IF they aren't going to stay with you is to just pretend like you might get together. When the day comes, if you don't want to show up, you have other plans or you don't feel well.

I was pretty lucky, though. DH was the one that started making excuses to spend less and less time with the PILs and their children when we were visiting in their town. We'd travel all the way there, then spend most of the time hanging out in the hotel. When either of the ESIBs would invite themselves to the hotel to hang with us, DH always said no, he was sick to his stomach or he was tired or whatever. [Translation: He was sick and tired of THEM!]

In our defense, when we were there, the ILs refused to alter their schedule even the slightest bit. They rarely wanted to go anywhere. Their schedule seemed so odd to us.
The PILs got up at about 4 am, had breakfast, lunch at 10:30 am, Young and the Restless and Bold and the Beautiful nap at 1:00 pm, coffee at 2:30 pm, dinner at 4:30 and MIL was in bed by 6:00-7:00 pm. FIL could make himself stay up till 9, but only if the rasslin' was on TV.

So, really we only had to endure a few hours per day. It was tolerable if the ESIBs stayed away, but more often they were on us like glue. :evil:
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Re: MIL coming to visit..or not?

Postby banana93 » Fri Aug 18, 2017 2:07 pm

LOL that's pretty accurate. "herding cats".

I prefer to be the one doing the visiting also, free to leave whenever we need/want to.
She won't be staying with me and DH (she's not allowed in our home) i'm not worried about having to see her at all myself. I'll leave it up DH if he wants to "have lunch or something" with her.
As I continue watch from the outside, (where I very much want to be :D ) I just find myself scratching my head and wondering why SILs don't just join me in my stress free "vacation" from MIL. Their choice I guess!

Your in-laws are weird..
Last edited by banana93 on Mon Aug 21, 2017 11:34 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: MIL coming to visit..or not?

Postby Yacky » Fri Aug 18, 2017 5:21 pm

So, it's time you "dropped it" because SHE has decided she's ready to be let off the hook without a) apologizing (sincerely) or b) making changes to her behavior

I always find statements like that to be quite telling and huge red flags that she is a narcissist demanding to be allowed to go on doing her bad behaviors without ever being held responsible for her actions.
~~ Some people really need a great big high-five....to the face....with a baseball bat ~~
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Re: MIL coming to visit..or not?

Postby banana93 » Mon Aug 21, 2017 9:41 am

Yacky wrote:So, it's time you "dropped it" because SHE has decided she's ready to be let off the hook without a) apologizing (sincerely) or b) making changes to her behavior

I always find statements like that to be quite telling and huge red flags that she is a narcissist demanding to be allowed to go on doing her bad behaviors without ever being held responsible for her actions.


Yeah, I focused on that too for a while and absolutely! Because to her, its my fault anyway. She'll never admit to being wrong. I love listening to her attempts to bring us back under her control, hits a brick wall every time.

She's only even acknowledging me at this point because I'm pregnant, she wants me to "drop" it because she's going to want to see her grandchild.
Its not like I'm carrying a vendetta against her, its just that I won't be forgetting this is how she is. I'm not going back to letting her make me feel like shit again. So nothing will be changing to her dismay.
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Re: MIL coming to visit..or not?

Postby banana93 » Wed Aug 23, 2017 9:21 am

ugh... she'll be here tomorrow which means she'll be staying until Tuesday.
Let the shit storm begin!

I'll be playing avoid the crazy bitch of a MIL, while everyone else tolerates her. I'm sure SIL didn't plan on hosting her for almost a week when she asked her to come babysit.

There is always interesting stupid drama that ensues while she is here or shortly after she leaves. I'll keep this thread updated because I find it fun to dissect human behavior... especially when that human behavior isn't normal.

------
This weekend will also be GBIL's girlfriend's first "test". MIL used to play the blow up then kinda sorta apologize game and put that on repeat with me so I'm curious to see if she'll do It to her too. The girlfriend and MIL got into it awhile ago and haven't seen each other in person since then. I'd put money on MIL wanting to "talk it out', which is code for.. let me talk about myself for an hour, cry a little just to make you feel bad for me, I'll also blame the divorce that happened 6 years ago for how hard my life is now and the only people I can cling to are my sons who are all grown up but still need to be treated like they are 12.

Ahh I wish her luck and hope she doesn't get sucked back in to the Narcs web... Its deceiving place to be.
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Re: MIL coming to visit..or not?

Postby momjeans » Wed Aug 23, 2017 1:21 pm

Stay strong, banana93!

Your MIL is so similar to my MIL.

The codependent narcissist. Once cornered and called-out on her BS behavior - she cries and plays victim. The MIL that says "Let's all agree that it's water under the bridge, what has happened between all of us".

Um, no.

Like Yacky wrote, it's just an attempt to skirt not apologizing or a non-apology - or a flat out denial of any wrong doing. Until next time, that is.
If you don't want to be part of the show, don't heckle the comedian.
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Re: MIL coming to visit..or not?

Postby banana93 » Wed Aug 23, 2017 3:08 pm

momjeans wrote:Stay strong, banana93!

Your MIL is so similar to my MIL.

The codependent narcissist. Once cornered and called-out on her BS behavior - she cries and plays victim. The MIL that says "Let's all agree that it's water under the bridge, what has happened between all of us".

Um, no.

Like Yacky wrote, it's just an attempt to skirt not apologizing or a non-apology - or a flat out denial of any wrong doing. Until next time, that is.


Thank you i will!

Yup sounds like our MILs are two peas in a pod.

I found this on pinterest.. hope it pops up
https://www.pinterest.com/pin/499969996118578866/
If there is one thing my MIL has taught me it is how to give an apology because I've gotten so good at recognizing when she hasn't really offered one. Most of the time its deny, deny, deny. When she can't, she's an expert at diverting blame to someone else... usually DILs or ex husband.
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Re: MIL coming to visit..or not?

Postby banana93 » Thu Aug 24, 2017 11:42 am

well this already got interesting...

DH told me that MIL is coming today, so I texted my SIL to see how she's holding up and i asked her when "It" arrives, expecting to hear a time..
She said not until Sunday...
---------------------------------------------
bahaha She's coming today and SIL is pissed. SIL knew MIL was coming and staying on Sunday night but didn't know she was coming a few day early. Not sure where MIL plans to stay until Sunday.
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Re: MIL coming to visit..or not?

Postby banana93 » Mon Aug 28, 2017 10:44 am

MIL stayed with a friend (her one and only) the last few days. Because she's scared the DIL won't be nice.. please.. (MIL is the one who sends txts to her sons about how she's going to lose it on the DILs the next time she sees them).

My SIL is not happy that MIL has been here for 4 days and has made no effort to visit her grandson until today, while she babysits. Its irritating because MIL bitches and moans on facebook and to her son about how she misses him and can't wait to see him but once she's here doesn't bother. SIL put her personal feeling aside so her son could spend time with grandma. Can't understand how a grown ass woman can't do the same to see her grandson. -_-

MIL tried to invite herself to our place on Saturday but the it didn't work out, DH just ignored her question and it didn't get brought up again. I think me and DH are in the clear but I guess DH invited her to the gender reveal party next month. I have my doubts that she'll actually come, there's still plenty of time for DH and her to have a blow out.
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Re: MIL coming to visit..or not?

Postby Melody » Mon Aug 28, 2017 12:40 pm

Time to have a friendly convo with the nice SIL & Golden's girlfriend. You all seem to be on the same page so stick together. ALL work on the same strategy to confront MIL (and in this case I would even say poke the bees nest! -i.e. insist on doing things YOUR way - gasp!)- and let her know how she's misbehaving until she "loses" it. Then all still together letting the brothers know what a psycho she is. The sooner they get it (and if all three of you are telling the SAME story - how could they argue) the sooner she'll be cut off.
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Re: MIL coming to visit..or not?

Postby banana93 » Mon Aug 28, 2017 1:00 pm

Melody wrote:Time to have a friendly convo with the nice SIL & Golden's girlfriend. You all seem to be on the same page so stick together. ALL work on the same strategy to confront MIL (and in this case I would even say poke the bees nest! -i.e. insist on doing things YOUR way - gasp!)- and let her know how she's misbehaving until she "loses" it. Then all still together letting the brothers know what a psycho she is. The sooner they get it (and if all three of you are telling the SAME story - how could they argue) the sooner she'll be cut off.


Oh yeah, :) we're all on the same page and it feels great because i was calling out her crazy several years ago when I first started dating DH. I thought for a long time, "am I the only one who is seeing this??" As the other girls came into the family they started getting the picture too. Even after all three of us 'girls' have called out her shitty behavior on separate occasions for similar things, she still claims its us and nothing she has done.

LOL that would be her worst nightmare. Most likely she would cry and say "poor me! look how mean the girls are being to me!" GBIL is the only one who would still have her back and argue her side. I think he's got mommy issues (mommy didn't give him enough attention as a child and now he's got all of it. he can't do anything wrong in mommy's eyes). My DH and other BIL already know she's nuts, they just tolerate it. I'm the only one on CO status, given time I'm sure they'll choose the same. I'll just wait patiently like I've always done, for the other girls to follow suit.
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Re: MIL coming to visit..or not?

Postby jigglypuff » Tue Aug 29, 2017 3:58 am

Banana, you are so incredibly lucky to have SILs that on your side. I literally had no one. My ESIL wanted to push me out of the family because she didn't see me as an ally but as competition. Even though my ESIL hates my ILs, she is willing to put up with them to be favored and please her narc husband.

I hope your SILs follow your lead and go no CO. I would not be surprised if GBIL's GF left him someday over this issue. Him wanting to please his mommy is a huge red flag and I hope she gets out soon.

Your MIL is an absolute mess and she will surely cause her own downfall.
'As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to ruin it for me'
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Re: MIL coming to visit..or not?

Postby bsfighter1 » Tue Aug 29, 2017 6:49 am

jigglypuff wrote:Banana, you are so incredibly lucky to have SILs that on your side. I literally had no one. My ESIL wanted to push me out of the family because she didn't see me as an ally but as competition. Even though my ESIL hates my ILs, she is willing to put up with them to be favored and please her narc husband.

I hope your SILs follow your lead and go no CO. I would not be surprised if GBIL's GF left him someday over this issue. Him wanting to please his mommy is a huge red flag and I hope she gets out soon.

Your MIL is an absolute mess and she will surely cause her own downfall.


Ditto to this ^^^

I had to deal with two wives of bils too who were hellbent on making me feel small and worthless while covering it up with a smile (and not even in some cases). They only escalated the mess and tension of stepmonster il and the 3 of them all formed a click with each other. Of course DH's brothers and father followed along without hardly asking questions because they didn't truly care a whole lot about their relationship with DH and us, his family.

Your MIL is indeed awful, but you are lucky you have allies who get it. It can make the miserable road of dealing with this crap a lot less lonely and confusing because you have others who can vouch for your sanity, in that you aren't the 'crazy' one, and that this crap is actually happening for real.

Let mil go off into a corner and pout. If she can't act decently then too bad so sad.
"I've learned that with narcs, absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder, it makes the heart grow free."
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Re: MIL coming to visit..or not?

Postby banana93 » Tue Aug 29, 2017 9:41 am

Thank you, I have gotten lucky. I love my "takes no shit" SIL and the girlfriend only recently came around. It sucks not to have comrades, when it what feels like an emotional and mental war at times. I hope your Dhs have at least come around to being your comrades.

The girlfriend isn't that smart to begin with, I think she'll stay. (I wouldn't if I were her, to much self respect for that BS) GBIL has already cheated on her multiple time and she knows he has a compulsive lying problem. GBIL also saves face with both MIL and his girlfriend. The girlfriend has read texts between MIL and GBIL, he doesn't exactly defend her. She has stayed through all of it. She keeps dragging his ass to counseling, we'll see if it pays off.
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