MIL is a Nightmare! Suggestions please!

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MIL is a Nightmare! Suggestions please!

Postby highheelfeminist » Mon Aug 14, 2017 11:19 am

My husband and I have been married for 1 year and have been together for 4 years all up.
At first my MIL and I were friends I met her on my second date with my husband and we got along. UNTIL I disagreed with her on a political issue. She immediately screamed at me that she was older I have to respect her opinion and she was correct. My husband, BIL and SIL all screamed back at her that she had no right to tell me that. My MIL never finished high school, her husband my husbands step father (SFIL) also never finished high school. I was in med school and she started screaming that I was arrogant and walked in to every conversation like I knew everything because I was in med school. She never apologized, my BIL and SIL and DH all apologized on her behalf.

Fast forward 6 months on:
I was civil with her and took her to all her medical appointments she was scared she would need revision surgery on her spinal surgery -- slip disc. When the doctors found there was nothing and she was probably suffering from depression, the next day she called me thinking she had cancer and her mole was infected and she needed to go to a doctor and she got scared about surgery. I took her to her to the doctors, drove her to the hospital and the doctors found nothing. She was constantly making up problems to get me to be at her beck and call. DH and I took her on dates with us, we took her out for coffees and even to the gym to try and get her to concentrate on other things in her life.


1 week after my DH proposed, my SIL broke up with her long term boyfriend, she also stopped speaking to her friends except for me. My MIL was getting upset because she wanted to take control of our wedding and engagement even though he had just proposed. My MIL was causing lots of fights in the family as well as my relationship. My SIL was constantly defending my MIL as well as complaining she never got to help my DH choose my engagement ring and not be there when my DH proposed.

My SIL started dating one of my friends exes who was very abusive. I warned her explained to her not to, she didn't listen, at the same time she was sleeping around, never coming home and my DH would pick her up walking around half naked in the streets. Trying to talk to her one night she flipped out at me and started to say because of my upbringing -- I am from a Mediterranean family -- that I was judging her, because I was in med school I thought I was better than everyone. My DH stepped in and my MIL stepped in and hit my DH who had just had knee surgery making him fall. Then my MIL tried to hit me and I grabbed my DH and drove to my parents house. She would not stop messaging us stupid messages like "Who are you dating my son or my daughter, you are in love with my daughter get a life you have mental issues"

A month later she decided to "make-up" in which she blamed everything on her being protective of her "insecure daughter". I ignored her and was just civil. But her little snide comments kept coming -- I dyed my hair and she called me psychotic for dying it blonde from brown. Then 3 days later my SIL dyed her hair Blonde. Then my MIL dyed her hair blonde a week later. I just kept ignoring her and was only civil if i had to see her. My MIL kept pushing my SIL to be jealous of me... whether it was from me buying a designer hand bag to having better clothes or hair or car...Side note I worked 3 jobs plus med school and the perks of one of my jobs was free expensive clothes from working at a boutique, I was not rich I worked for what I wanted and put myself through school.

My DH and I decided we didn't want to get married until I finished school. My DH was going overseas for work and we decided to have our engagement when he came back because he was going to move overseas and I was moving after I finished my last semester at school. My MIL made my engagement party a living hell, she didn't pay for it! My DH and I choose the restaurant, the food and decided we wanted no alcohol as a close friend of ours was a recovering alcoholic and we didn't want him to feel uncomfortable. I wanted balloons, which I paid for and candle and flower arrangements on the tables. my MIL wanted to make the flower arrangements from fake flowers and mesh and tin buckets and wanted to CHARGE ME $30 for each arrangement. I politely told her it wasn't the style I was after, my friend owned the restaurant we had our engagement at, as a present to us he hired an event decorator/planner for us. My MIL had a fit she brought a black prom dress to wear to the engagement when the dress code was cocktail, she cancelled having coffee with my mom and I, she bribed my makeup artist to not do my makeup-- my makeup artist was my SIL friend-- 2 days before the engagement. I ended up doing my own Makeup and hair, my MIL was meant to organize the cake-- she never did. We invited 2 of her friends who bought their kids when we said no kids, she gave them the balloons I paid for to be around mine and my DH table. She changed the seating plan to have her friends sit near us and our friends sit in the corner. She ran crying everytime my DH and I tried to get a photo together, with other people or with my family. My SIL kept saying she was "vomiting from the food". My MIL snuck in alcohol, her friends broke the restaurant speakers meaning we had no music and no dancing. Her friends made racists comments to my dad and it almost got into a fist fight, my DH heard her friends husband walk up to my dad and make the comments and kicked my MIL's friends out the engagement. My MIL popped my balloons, and tried to embarrass my mom who helped my DH and I pay for our engagement party, by standing up and announcing she would pay for the engagement and be a good mother, when we were going to give speeches, my mom had to say "Well I already paid for it days ago". We didn't have speeches at the engagement.

My husband moved overseas 2 days after our engagement party. 2 weeks before my birthday and finishing med school and moving to live overseas with my DH my MIL called me screaming saying she was going to kill me, she turned up to my house and knocked down the door thank god my parents were not home. My DH called my MIL screaming and she kept messaging me that I would never be apart of the family, she would kill me before I get the family name, I brain washed her son and I was a psycho.

My parents done with my MIL problems and how it affects me told me to break it off with my DH. I refused and now we don't talk at all. I had to put my wedding planning on hold. My DH does not talk to MIL but she still sneakily gets my DH grandma, grandpa and aunt to guilt him into talking to her because we now live in the same country as his extended family. DH has told his extended family to back off but my MIL claims she is broke-- they have 3 investment properties, 4 cars no debt and their own business. to extort money from DH grandparents and us. She claims we are planning a wedding without her and makes up lies and stories to DH family so they hate me, they actually love me and just don't want MIL drama.

My DH and I eloped without telling anyone... we both have great jobs and are starting our careers at 25 and MIL has now messaged us saying she forgives us for what we have done to her and she wants to talk to us. We have ignored her messages and phone calls but she won't stop calling the extended family. She says she cares about me except for the "accident with her hormones" and I need to ask for her forgiveness.

SIL apologized for her behaviour and was very mature in saying everything she did, trying to break us up because she was jealous and she regrets everything she has done to us and wants to be apart of our life if we accept and she would go to any extent to make it up to us. My DH aunt told us that MIL is guilting and controlling SIL to be in a relationship with a guy she has doubts about but he kisses MIL and SFIL a***.

My DH is now cracking and playing into her mind games because she uses BIL against him. BIL is 16 and MIL forbids BIL to talk to DH if DH doesn't answer to MIL. They have a very close bond and its making BIL and DH very upset to the point of both of them crying. BIL is meant to have come visit us for the summer but MIL forbid him to and even took his passport. SFIL who is BIL father is now disregarding BIL's life or any father-son bonding camping trips they normally go on by taking SIL's Boyfriend to the camping trips and practically MIL and SFIL are saying they would care about BIL if he stops talking to DH or if DH and I talk to MIL.

HELP! I don't know what to do!
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Re: MIL is a Nightmare! Suggestions please!

Postby banana93 » Mon Aug 14, 2017 12:26 pm

Sounds like MIL is the one who had a psychotic break... geez she threatened to kill you for Christ sake! Save your messages from her, you might need those one day.

I would go no contact with MIL and limited contact with the information train (the other in laws that pass on the gossip to MIL) this is clearly distressing to you and DH and its just not worth your own sanity.
There is no fixing any of this with MIL, she took it to far. So you and DH will have to find a level of involvement or lack of involvement with in-laws that you are comfortable with.

I'm assuming you were venting to your parents and that's why they shut down. You'll have to find a different outlet. I would stop telling your parents about the in-law drama and work on building a relationship with them, from your post it just seems like they (hopefully) wont be out of the picture forever.

I think its a good sign your SIL was able to apologize and say exactly what she was sorry for. Tread carefully and slowly allow her back in if you want and only if you are actually able to forgive her.
MIL on the other hand is a lost cause...

Cut the gossip with DHs aunt, its not helping you. Its adding to your stress. I would just stop being involved all together. (this is what I've done, I refuse to be caught in the middle of it all. Sure, I still hear about the BS that goes on but I could care less as it doesn't affect my daily life and stress levels. I just choose to be apart from it all. At this point its just entertaining to watch the crazy unfold.)

You can't make other peoples choices for them. DH stressing because his grandparents guilt him to talk to his mom... nope that's on your DH, not you or anyone else. He's a big boy and has to make his own adult decisions to call him mom or not. SIL isn't being forced into a relationship, she's an adult who can dump him anytime. If SIL's boyfriend wants to go along with MIL and SFIL that is his choice and he has to live with the consequences.
What I'm getting at is, these aren't your decisions to make and you have no control over them or the future, so let these things go. I think you should sit back and watch the mayhem but don't get involved and be done with the drama. Don't take all of this on your shoulders, its not your burden to bare.

DH should always leave the door open for his BIL, but he is underage and his parents (no matter how much you disapprove) have the right to make those decisions. Hopefully when he turns 18, DH and BIL can be just as close.

Good luck! and I know it sucks when family causes you to hurt, it seems like it hurts so much more when it comes from someone who is supposed to love you.
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Re: MIL is a Nightmare! Suggestions please!

Postby IrishLass » Mon Aug 14, 2017 12:33 pm

You need to read a couple of books about dealing with toxic inlaws and narcissistic people. I am not educated beyond 12th grade but these books can be awesome life savers. Your MIL is a narcissist they are too hard to deal with on your own if you are not used to it. You and DH need counseling because MIL will get into your relationship if you and your DH are not on the same page into how to deal with his family. Once you get a good couples therapist your DH might need separate counseling to deal with his guilt over his little brother. Unfortunately at age 16 your BIL has to do as his parents wish until he becomes a legal adult. Once he is an adult he can visit you without needing his parents consent. Your MIL is going to use your BIL as a pawn in her sick little mind games. Best to back off communication with BIL so MIL doesn't torture him. Just let BIL know that you are backing off to make his next 24 months easier and that when the time comes you have room for him in your house. Good luck on this. How people can be so selfish and only think of themselves just baffles me.
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Re: MIL is a Nightmare! Suggestions please!

Postby banana93 » Mon Aug 14, 2017 1:21 pm

IrishLass wrote:You need to read a couple of books about dealing with toxic inlaws and narcissistic people. I am not educated beyond 12th grade but these books can be awesome life savers. Your MIL is a narcissist they are too hard to deal with on your own if you are not used to it. You and DH need counseling because MIL will get into your relationship if you and your DH are not on the same page into how to deal with his family. Once you get a good couples therapist your DH might need separate counseling to deal with his guilt over his little brother. Unfortunately at age 16 your BIL has to do as his parents wish until he becomes a legal adult. Once he is an adult he can visit you without needing his parents consent. Your MIL is going to use your BIL as a pawn in her sick little mind games. Best to back off communication with BIL so MIL doesn't torture him. Just let BIL know that you are backing off to make his next 24 months easier and that when the time comes you have room for him in your house. Good luck on this. How people can be so selfish and only think of themselves just baffles me.


^^ This! Wish there was a thumbs up button for this.
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Re: MIL is a Nightmare! Suggestions please!

Postby Melody » Mon Aug 14, 2017 1:38 pm

Wow. Nightmare indeed. A few years back, there was a poster (on a different site) that referred to her MIL as "CCCP" - or short for "Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs". It totally cracked me up but man does it fit your MIL. What a needy jealous ignorant woman.

It is great that SIL saw the light (sometimes its hard to see the crazy when you lived with it). So it would be nice to have a cordial but cautious relationship with her. BIL is a sad situation (DH has almost no relationship with his half sister because of his mother).

Hopefully without getting BIL into trouble, DH should chat with him on whatever electronics he uses. Teenage boys spend hours talking or playing games with their friends. And why I don't allocate sneakiness, in this case its warranted. So if DH's name is say John, then have an account "Alex" or whatever Dungeons and Dragons character name so even if MIL is a good parent and snoops its not obvious. You know what I mean. And encourage the kid to go AWAY to college - a far enough distance where MIL can't surprise visit him.

DH needs to tell these relatives (flying monkeys) that the topic of MIL is off the table - and that she needs a psychiatrist. And if they push, then you talk to them less until they figure it out. And speaking of which, you must have a few friends who are psychiatrist or took a of psych courses. Ask what you can do to get her to back down.

I've had some good luck getting DH's stepmonster to fear me. It is not my nature, but when being pleasant and acting appropriately just doesn't cut it, change up how you interact with her (if the situation occurs). She obviously admires and is jealous of you and is afraid of looking stupid (ironically). So if you have to be around her for any reason, exploit her insecurity and talk over her head. Use big words and correct what she's saying. She'll start to avoid you.

I think your parents will come around - just make the MIL topic off limits - or better yet, let them know this is "no longer an is" you and DH don't speak to her anymore. .

If you and DH are planning on kids, I would definitely get the boundary walls set up high, because the craziness will intensify (baby rabies) and you don't want an ignorant racist anywhere near your kids.

BTW, how happy are you now that MIL didn't "help" pick your ring and was NOT there when you got engaged!

@Irishlass - don't be down on yourself! Getting a college degree doesn't make anyone smart or even that educated. And its never too late to take a few courses or a certification that look interesting. I have a number of friends (late 40's even early 50's) that are doing this. Its hectic but they're enjoying it.
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Re: MIL is a Nightmare! Suggestions please!

Postby Melody » Mon Aug 14, 2017 1:44 pm

BTW, is BIL's father in the picture or is that SFIL? FYI, I think its age 16 that only one parent has to sign for their passport. So if BIL's father is willing to do that, you can claim it was "lost". (Lost cause more like).
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Re: MIL is a Nightmare! Suggestions please!

Postby JustPlainHateHer » Mon Aug 14, 2017 7:03 pm

Hang in there. She will not live forever despite what she does and you think.

With that said, freedom is delightful! If MIL has a few bucks, try to be nice. It will pay off.
Don't sell your soul, but try to be nice if you can. You will laugh all the way to the bank when it's over.
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Re: MIL is a Nightmare! Suggestions please!

Postby highheelfeminist » Fri Aug 25, 2017 10:11 am

Thank you every one! I completely ignored her, didn't reply to her messages nor did my husband.
I sat down with my husband and agreed that he would send MIL a message that I do not want her in my life or anything associated with me, he would have an adult conversation with her if she agrees not to use abusive language and is respectful of our choices.

She blocked us off all social media and sent us a massive list of profanities.

WIN! We have had no word from her since then!!!

BUT I am weary of SIL as BIL has said she is always siding with MIL, she is trying to get details about our life. DH can only speak to SIL if I am around and she has to be on loud speaker so that nothing is communicated to MIL!

WIN!!
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Re: MIL is a Nightmare! Suggestions please!

Postby banana93 » Fri Aug 25, 2017 10:43 am

highheelfeminist wrote:She blocked us off all social media and sent us a massive list of profanities.


Gotta love it when you set boundaries, only to watch them throw a tantrum like a child.

Glad to hear your DH has your back and you're on the same page. That can be the most difficult part for a lot of couples dealing with horrible in-laws.

(This sounds like a familiar situation I was in several months ago, DH told MIL I was done and she threw a fit too. So here is some advice that you may or may not need later)
If MIL cools off and comes around seeking a relationship with DH, stay apart from it and allow him to navigate. Forbidding him to talk to her could cause DH some resentment down the road. I would just reiterate that he shouldn't tolerate her talking crap about you to him. If she does, he should hang up, leave, or go on TO until she gets the picture. Hopefully you'll get a few months off before having to bring this up. GL!

Enjoy your stress free life ahead! I found cutting off my MIL to be one of the best things I could do for my mentality. :)
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Re: MIL is a Nightmare! Suggestions please!

Postby WatchingMyBack » Fri Aug 25, 2017 11:15 am

:shock: What an incredible craptacular

The advice given already given is spot on in my opinion, so little to add other than it sounds as if your MIL and SFIL are being emotionally abusive to your BIL, and that is very disconcerting to me. He is at a fragile age and high school is certainly difficult enough these days without being emotionally abused by his mother and emotionally abandoned by his father.

If you can somehow get your BIL copies of the books 'Toxic-Parent' and 'Emotional Blackmail', it might help him understand how to cope with their immature and hateful ways. Your DH would probably benefit from reading those as well. Personally, had I had those books when I was younger, I could have avoided so many mistakes I made in my late teens and early 20's.

Congratulations on your marriage and I hope you and your DH are enjoying the move to the new country you are living in. You'll be amazed at how quickly the years go by when you're No Contact (NC) with your PIL. And stop feeding the Flying Monkey relatives, including SIL, with any information about your lives. I think your SIL goes whichever way the wind blows, so always keep a force field up when dealing with her.
“Make no judgments where you have no compassion.”
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Re: MIL is a Nightmare! Suggestions please!

Postby bsfighter1 » Sat Aug 26, 2017 7:36 am

The advice given here is right on, but just my two cents to add.

Your MIL is a psycho. Stay the heck away from her. Case closed.

Your SIL has already started getting back into your MIL's psycho web from the sound of your last post. That alone would make me run for the hills, apology or not. If she truly understood how mentally (and spiritually) unwell her mother is she would not be entertaining her mother's antics still. Red Flag. It's your choice if you want to let her back into your life, but if it was me I would put her in the category of 'flying monkey' with the rest of the extended ILs, and always be on guard moving forward that no matter how 'sweet' she may come across to you, she has already shown you who she is and still plays into mil's hands, meaning she could turn on you again anytime.

Finally, I find it a bit troubling how your parents seem to have cut you off because they didn't want you to get married to your spouse? Granted, I don't know the whole story, but it just sounded really cold to me even though I completely understand how they could feel upset with the situation.

Don't mean to come off as judge or harsh. Just my gut reaction based on what you wrote an only my opinion, so you can take it or leave it. Glad you don't live in the same country as your monster-IL !
"I've learned that with narcs, absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder, it makes the heart grow free."
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Re: MIL is a Nightmare! Suggestions please!

Postby mamarama » Thu Aug 31, 2017 2:59 pm

She threatened to kill you. That is all that needs to be said. I bet the only reason she wants to get close to you is so that she can find a good place to stab the knife, preferably in your back. nope nope nope

I would nip this in the bud by explaining to her that you are not worthy of a relationship with her because you are simple-minded and inferior, and cannot compete with her intellectually :lol: Use her own judgement of you to your advantage and her disadvantage. Let her words and attitude come back to haunt her and bite her in the butt.

FWIW, and I say this in love, it is never ever ever a good idea to vent your marital problems to anyone other than your spouse or a licensed counselor. Or us ;) What happens is that the third party gets involved, either directly or indirectly, and you kill the chance of them ever having a good relationship with your spouse. Case and point, my dumb xH would complain about me to his mother. He would complain that I didn't put up with his BS. "Mommy, Mamarama is upset with me because I told her I slept with 3 other women while she was pregnant. I apologized for saying it just to hurt her and tried to hug her, but she didn't want to be around me, that bitch!!!" Now, we all know that he didn't tell the truth, but spun the story to his advantage, leaving out pertinent details. His mother would call me at midnight demanding that I talk to her about my marital problems. I refused and told her it's not her business. She said that I'll talk to her about my marital problems (caused by xH btw) or she'll try to take my kid. Yeah, she was psychotic, but even with normal people like your folks, it usually doesn't end well. Can you blame them for being upset with you for marrying him after all of the negative stuff you told them? I can't. But I do think this CO thing was them taking things a little too far, and I'm sorry about that.

Poor BIL, being used as a pawn in their sick little game. He's the one that's getting hurt. Well, dh too, but still, poor BIL.
Last edited by mamarama on Thu Aug 31, 2017 3:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: MIL is a Nightmare! Suggestions please!

Postby mamarama » Thu Aug 31, 2017 3:09 pm

highheelfeminist wrote: he would have an adult conversation with her if she agrees not to use abusive language and is respectful of our choices.

She blocked us off all social media and sent us a massive list of profanities.

WIN! We have had no word from her since then!!!


:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: Love it! She wants a relationship with you, but only if she can cuss you out. I see such entertainment potential with her. (and yes, I'm being facetious and sarcastic ;) )
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