DH's revelation

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DH's revelation

Postby jigglypuff » Wed Aug 09, 2017 4:03 pm

DH was reflecting last night about the odd behaviors his narc mother and EBIL exhibit. He said he never saw his mother get emotional. Even after her longsuffering XH passed away. She never seemed remorseful for cheating on their father or expressed any grief over his death. DH said she has always been dissociated with others.

At his father's funeral, DH reflected back on how EBIL was being cool and casual, never shedding a tear while DH and BIL cried over their dad. There's a photo we have of BIL, DH and EBIL sitting at the funeral. You can see the sorrow in both BIL's and DH's eyes but EBIL is smiling happily, as if he's at a family picnic.

Years later, EBIL took a photo of himself, over his father's tombstone, holding up his giant gold chain like some wannabe gangster with a huge grin on his face. I will never forget that picture. It was one of the creepiest things I've ever seen.

EBIL is the typical Scott Peterson type. I was glad to hear DH call him evil last night. DH has never spoken so negatively of his family before. He is finally seeing through his narc mother and brother.

There were some other things he talked about but I'll make it short and stop here. Have you guys ever picked up on odd behavior from your ILs? Like fake crying, odd statements or a lack of emotion?
'As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to ruin it for me'
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Re: DH's revelation

Postby rubycrownedkinglet » Wed Aug 09, 2017 6:56 pm

Absolutely. In fact it was chilling to see ESIL at MILs funeral, as if she had lost her own child, her grief was so extreme. She kept saying what a shock it was and just moaning and rocking, getting louder when SpawnN joined in. It didn't begin however, until she had a full audience.

In contrast, at FILs funeral, 10 months later, she was so cool and emotionless. I had to remind her it wasn't appropriate to talk about FILs money at the funeral home. She only cried when one of the officiates passed out and clinked his head on the coffin. She had rejected the customary start time for the funeral and graveside service so that she could get an extra couple hours of sleep and had caused it to be held at the hottest time of the day in the hottest month of the year. Then she showed up 30+ minutes late. When it occurred to her that people could put 2 and 2 together and lay blame on her, she cried like a baby. That didn't last long when she figured out if they left the graveside service early, she could go by the funeral home and take the leftover food put out for the guests.
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Re: DH's revelation

Postby momjeans » Thu Aug 10, 2017 9:17 am

Not sure if it's a lack of emotion, but I've noticed that my inlaws never hug. I've never seen MIL a and FIL lovingly embrace in a hug. Heck, I don't think I've ever seen them kiss. I've never seen them hug DH as a form of greeting OR departing.

I realize not all people are huggers or physically affectionate with one another, and my family isn't overly touchy feely, but we most definitely embraced one another in a hug at least once per visit.

With that said, my MIL does cry like a baby when she's called out on her behavior. It's her guilt trip, defense mechanism. I feel nothing for her when I see her do this. It's 100% self pity and manipulation.
Not my family. Not my flying monkeys.
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Re: DH's revelation

Postby Hiddenjem » Thu Aug 10, 2017 9:57 am

After reflecting on the inlaws, I feel like their false words have a history of not matching their actions or Intent.

For example, one Bil whined like a baby about how much he hated that one of his sons and grandchildren moving out of state. He would pout the second the phone went on speaker when his son called and leave the room. Then, his reaction to his son moving back? He whined about him moving back because it would involve babysitting and take away his reason to belly ache. His son robbed him of whining material! :roll:

Mil talks about other bil's ex wife (Dh's twin.) All she can come up with for the reason is that the woman seemed uncomfortable around them. The ex wife was also guilty of "being quiet and avoided being around them." Mil expression is one of full hatred and smug victory. Yet, she didn't have anything valid from my prospective to dislike her over! I respect the woman for leaving Bil! She was wise and saw the truth of his family early on! She left Bil before having children with him as well!

One of the Sil verbally accused me, "of not trying to be one of them," as if I had betrayed a great honor. I opted to read a book verses watch a game show as my "crime." Her expression was of horror and insult.p

Also, right before the wedding, the same sister "sweetly" (kind smile on her face) accused me of having sexual diseases! She said, "Be sure to see a doctor before you marry my brother. We can't be too sure." (No, I do not, nor was a risk of, and did not have such diseases.)'

I regret not saying, "Bless your precious heart, it sounds like you have concerns about possible having a std! Honey, if you need to see a doctor, just do so. It would be good to clear your mind of the possibility "
"I have learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did. But people will never forget how you made them feel." Maya Angelou
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Re: DH's revelation

Postby jigglypuff » Fri Aug 11, 2017 1:32 am

Ruby, They always perform best at funerals don't they? I wonder if SpawnN repeated her little performance at your ESIL's funeral.

I saw my EBIL fake cry at his friend's brother's funeral. It was quite a spectacle.

Not sure if it's a lack of emotion, but I've noticed that my inlaws never hug. I've never seen MIL a and FIL lovingly embrace in a hug. Heck, I don't think I've ever seen them kiss. I've never seen them hug DH as a form of greeting OR departing.


My ILs are the same way. In fact, MIL and SIL openly admitted they hate hugs. SIL once told me she hated holding her XH's hand and would reject him if he reached for her.
The couples in the IL family are extremely cold towards one another. Rarely do they ever kiss, touch, hug or speak well of each other. They also fight constantly. Even in front of others and it's really uncomfortable. DH and I have never understood it since we're an affectionate couple.
I also understand some people aren't touchy feely but they take it to a whole other level.

One of the Sil verbally accused me, "of not trying to be one of them," as if I had betrayed a great honor.


I was once told something like this by an AIL. She was upset that I didn't take the time out of the week to escort her obese, lazy, drug addicted ass around the city while she was visiting. I already made plans that day since my life doesn't revolve around her or her family.
I wasn't considered one of them because I don't kiss butt and stroke egos. So they had no use for me.

Also, right before the wedding, the same sister "sweetly" (kind smile on her face) accused me of having sexual diseases! She said, "Be sure to see a doctor before you marry my brother. We can't be too sure."


:o Your SIL deserved a punch for that one.
'As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to ruin it for me'
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Re: DH's revelation

Postby bsfighter1 » Fri Aug 11, 2017 7:07 am

Hey jiggy. It takes our husbands a while to see who their FOO really is, doesn't it? My husband always thought his stepmonster was wretched but played along like everyone else. He had obvious tensions with his father before we met because of how he enabled stepmonster, but up until the point I said adios to his family, I believe he still thought his father was just a passive victim of stepmonster who needed to grow a pair.

Over the years that have gone by since CO, I think that DH can't help but see now that his father actually IS the main problem and a textbook narc, and could not be with someone like stepmonster and turn his back in his own son, dil and grandchildren just to protect his own self interests if he wasn't twisted himself.

it's still a sensitive topic for DH, and it's frustrating to explain to him how the behaviour of his twisted father showing up from out of town, unannounced, at our doorstep to 'hand deliver' a card with "Love Grandpa and Grandma" to my 8-yr-old, who he shows no interest in any other time (and continues to treat his son and mother of his grandchildren like crap) is inappropriate. However the more interaction he has on his own with his father and stepmonster at fake family functions, the more he it's hard for him to deny just what awful people they truly are.

As for DH's brothers who could do no wrong when we first met, he may never get to the point where he calls them evil (they are class act hypocrites who act all sweet and nice when they talk to you, although their behaviours, including lies, don't add up to the image they portray).

But something has obviously changed in his relationship with them, and they're more like by-the-way acquaintances than the brothers he once put on a pedestal. If it was up to me I'd cut their butts out of my life for good and never look back, ensuring not to sit with them at fake family functions , and it irks me that DH recently took his fair weather uncle and one of the jerk bils out to a prestigious golf course when bil has made no effort to do anything meaningful with his brother throughout the years besides try to manipulate him and me back into the fold. :evil: funny how bil could NEVER find time to golf with his brother until he was offered free admission to one of the best courses. guess i don't have any control over it, but at the very least, DH is certainly not swooning over his creepy brothers anymore.
"I've learned that with narcs, absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder, it makes the heart grow free."
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Re: DH's revelation

Postby PutMILinherplace » Fri Aug 11, 2017 8:33 am

I believe that these people see emotions as they do everything else: as weapons. That is their only purpose. Emotions are to be used for manipulation. Just like religion (or the lack of), money, possessions, guilt trips, etc. Manipulation / control is all that matters to these types of people and emotions are just a way to achieve that.
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Re: DH's revelation

Postby jigglypuff » Wed Aug 16, 2017 12:11 am

I understand all too well what you mean about your DH Bsfighter. My DH was the same way. He would just go along with things for the sake of pleasing his mommy. He would also go out of his way helping his family and they were always willing to take advantage of that.

EBIL always expected us to invite him out yet he and ESIL never invited us anywhere. They would go out on group dates and although they'd tell us about it, we were never invited along. I know it was because ESIL was jealous of me and didn't want me around. At the time, I know DH realized what was going on but again, just went along with it to keep the peace.

DH kept denying the truth about his family up until EBIL stabbed him in the back and lied about him. I had warned DH years earlier that EBIL was manipulative and would take any opportunity to screw someone over if it meant he would come up on top. EBIL refused to apologize and talk about what he did. Never denied it though.

Seems like your DH is slowly realizing who his family is too. One day he just might learn the hard way like my DH did. At least if that day comes, you guys will be free of your miserable ILs.

I believe that these people see emotions as they do everything else: as weapons. That is their only purpose. Emotions are to be used for manipulation. Just like religion (or the lack of), money, possessions, guilt trips, etc. Manipulation / control is all that matters to these types of people and emotions are just a way to achieve that.


Oh the religion! That's what my ILs and my mother looove using. Always using bible verses out of context to suit their own diabolical needs. That form of manipulation probably makes me the most angry because they use the word of a loving God to cause misery and heartache. It's just downright evil. There is no other word for it.
'As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to ruin it for me'
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Re: DH's revelation

Postby PutMILinherplace » Wed Aug 16, 2017 5:57 am

jigglypuff wrote:
Oh the religion! That's what my ILs and my mother looove using. Always using bible verses out of context to suit their own diabolical needs. That form of manipulation probably makes me the most angry because they use the word of a loving God to cause misery and heartache. It's just downright evil. There is no other word for it.


That was one thing that may have frustrated my MIL the most. She had always had success with manipulating her kids with the Word of God...until I came along. The first time she tried that with me I came back at her. She had never dealt with someone who actually knew the Bible. Oh, the shocked look on her face. She honestly didn't know what to do. She would try to come back later with some other nonsense but once again I would shoot her down. She found out real quick I didn't just know a verse or two I knew the entire chap and what it was actually talking about. She couldn't warp or misuse verses with me especially the commandment about honoring your parents.

He, he, he, she just couldn't manipulate me for anything. So then she would try to attack the fact our family went to church pretty much anytime it was opened. We love our church and love going so she would try to say how all churches are bad. She also tried to tell us how its a waste of time to go to church you should just read the Bible yourself.

MIL: Well, I know the Bible....

Me: Yeah, well so does Satan, what's your point?

Lol....good times frustrating her.
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Re: DH's revelation

Postby bsfighter1 » Wed Aug 16, 2017 7:17 am

@ pmihp ... :lol:
"I've learned that with narcs, absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder, it makes the heart grow free."
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Re: DH's revelation

Postby rubycrownedkinglet » Wed Aug 16, 2017 10:49 am

jigglypuff wrote:Ruby, They always perform best at funerals don't they? I wonder if SpawnN repeated her little performance at your ESIL's funeral.

I wondered the same thing. According to my friend who watched ESILs DHs facebook page, they tried to do a gofundme for a memorial service and cremation, but then, they withdrew the request and somebody paid for a cremation, but there was never a mention on FB about a memorial service or even a gathering of any sort. A week or so after she died CluelessBIL posted that he'd laid her to rest. She's probably in a cardboard box in the corner curio cabinet with the rest of the "treasures" once owned by MIL.

There was no love lost between SpawnN and ESIL, so when SpawnN got the news she would have probably danced the same little jig as I did, but maybe not as discreetly.
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Re: DH's revelation

Postby Yacky » Fri Aug 18, 2017 4:55 pm

Congrats on your husband finally coming to grips with how awful his family is!

I have definitely caught my MIL "quivering and shivering" with false distress over situations that weren't quite going her way, or if she was at fault and it was becoming clear that we were onto her, she'd try to divert attention with this tactic. I think the most fake thing we've seen from MIL, however, is whenever she'd say "Oh, but we **LOVE** Yacky!", usually said right after they've just done some really horrible thing to me and were hoping their words would convince DH that they are too pure and sweet and loving to have done it.
~~ Some people really need a great big high-five....to the face....with a baseball bat ~~
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Re: DH's revelation

Postby mamarama » Fri Sep 01, 2017 11:22 am

jigglypuff wrote:Have you guys ever picked up on odd behavior from your ILs? Like fake crying, odd statements or a lack of emotion?


What a loaded question lol. Isn't that why we're all here on this board :D

As glad as I am for you that your husband is finally coming around, it's always sad in a way when someone realizes exactly how horrible their family really is, and I feel sorry for your H. He is no longer blissfully ignorant.
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