Manipulation messages

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Manipulation messages

Postby banana93 » Mon Aug 07, 2017 11:32 am

Just thought I would leave this here so y'all know what it looks like. I went through her message and picked it apart. have fun reading! I've already gone NC with MIL and this was from months ago, I just like to reread it to remind myself what a Narc she is.

BACK STORY: I was ignoring my MIL trying to black hole her, because she had rudely showed up to my house unannounced from half way across the country to celebrate DH's birthday. I had commitments each night she stayed so I went out of my way to not drop a single thing for her. She threw a surprise party in my house for DH, while I wasn't there. She posted it on FB and all her friends bashed me for not being there, while I was teaching a religious ed class. DH told her off the next morning and she left after she threw her tantrum, said horrible things about me. She never apologized and denied the things she said during her tantrum. This was her message to me.

"Sure would like to know why you are so mad at me, I would of thought our relationship would of meant something to you since I'm your mother in law and have welcomed you in our home and lives for so many years!" Guilt and entitlement.
"I'm very disappointed in the way you've treated me and other members of (Husband's) family. Because we're family we work out our differences and forgive each other and move on, we don't ignore and disown each other." Guilt, entitlement and acknowledging she screwed up somewhere but not accepting responsibility.
"I pray that someday You allow God to work in your life and mend the fences." MORE GUILT BY GOD
"We all love you and have always loved you and want you to be apart of our lives and we want (Husband) back in our lives, none of us are perfect , we all make mistakes, life is hard and challenging but nobody has done anything to you that's this bad to cause such a family rift!" Guilt! Again acknowledges that she knows she screwed up but places the responsibility on you for her entitlement as family. Oh and when someone tells you they love you like this... it's because their actions aren't meeting their words.
"I hope you think long and hard about our situation and do the right thing it's time we fix this!!" Telling me what to do because she doesn't have a leg to stand on.


She was looking to get DH back in her life but I guess she's not wasn't getting the response she wanted from him. Not once did she offer an apology to help make amends. She just wanted me to rug sweep and move back into her territory where she is in control. Never gonna happen..
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Re: Manipulation messages

Postby Melody » Mon Aug 07, 2017 12:45 pm

[quote="banana93"] "Sure would like to know why you are so mad at me, - 'Cause you wouldn't be mad at all if I invited myself over and took over YOUR household!

I would of thought our relationship would of meant something to you since I'm your mother in law and have welcomed you in our home and lives for so many years!" Guilt and entitlement. - again, I showed up when INVITED. And next time if I'm trapped into going to your houseI will re-arrange YOUR kitchen without asking.

"I'm very disappointed in the way you've treated me and other members of (Husband's) family. - I'm disappointed you're an over-entitled Pain in the @ss -so what's your point MIL?

Because we're family we work out our differences and forgive each other and move on, we don't ignore and disown each other." Guilt, entitlement and acknowledging she screwed up somewhere but not accepting responsibility. - Go back to treating me like a queen and letting me get away with whatever I feel like! I will NEVER apologize!

"I pray that someday You allow God to work in your life and mend the fences." MORE GUILT BY GOD - So were you Praying "for me" when I was teaching religious class, or just sinning at the time?

You get the idea! She may have well just said, "Just go back to doing what you're doing! I am who I am so YOU need to accept that! I will continue to sh*t all over you but YOU owe ME respect!

I am SOOOOO glad you are working to nip this in the bud. Any parent here will tell you it gets so much worse when you have kids!
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Re: Manipulation messages

Postby bsfighter1 » Mon Aug 07, 2017 12:52 pm

Keep reading it as you are doing so you will never forget. I unfortunately deleted many of the messages sent from my narc ILs because I was just so upset with the barrage of attacks from all of them -- including flying monkeys-- (both passive AND aggressive) that at the time I just wanted to turn it all off.

Now, since they all mean nothing to me, it would be fascinating to re-read some of their messages from a different perspective to see just how manipulative and toxic they really were.

The only lines I can vaguely remember from their lengthy rants to me are

Golden wife of BIL 1 - "You are causing grief to the family" (completely non-caring about the fact of how much GRIEF they had been deliberately causing me and my family for years up until that point, even though I finally told them how much pain they had caused in a prior message) :evil:

Tyrant (now separated wife) of BIL 2 - "It's just ALL about YOU, YOU, YOU!!" (yes, in cap letters like that, and there were a lot more cap words in her long response. She was actually projecting because really she was one of the most self-absorbed people I have ever met, and everything was actually all about HER, HER, HER ... that's why she's leaves so much destruction behind wherever she goes, including for the people she claims to 'love' like BIL2 and the children she carts around like accessories).

Golden BIL 1- "We (meaning only him and his precious wife who could never do anything wrong) were hurt by bsfighter" (although he's never said anything about what an obvious troublemaker his wife was, and how much she participated in hurting us, but the moment you say the slightest thing about them that's less than the fan worship they were used to, it's all your fault) :roll: Biggest hypocrite ... we unfortunately ran into them by chance a month ago, and he acted as though we were all good friends although he's never acknowledged anything.

BIL 2 - "We miss you guys, and the cousins need to be together" (biggest hypocrite #2, to this day is still in denial about his part in all the toxicity from Day 1, and loves to use the kids to guilt trip us into getting back involved with them)

FIL- (to DH) "Well, I don't know where it's going to go from here. I love my wife (stepmonster il) and you love yours." (Uh ... dumbo, I'm not just your son's wife, although that should be enough, but the mother of your grandchildren too. I think I'm more valuable to you than evil stepmonster is to DH) :roll:

Stepmonster IL - (after ranting and raving at me and basically letting it be known that DH and I weren't really family) "I'm a good persona and I love ALL of my children equally and my family is important to me" (then proceeds to block me on FB and unfriend one of her 'children' DH. Nobody else got blocked and unfriended. So much for equality) :lol:

Like I said, I wish I had the original messages, but these lines alone are enough to make me steer clear of these cringe-worthy people. Tuck that note into you pocket any time you think you might get hovered back in :wink:
"I've learned that with narcs, absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder, it makes the heart grow free."
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Re: Manipulation messages

Postby PutMILinherplace » Mon Aug 07, 2017 1:21 pm

I laughed so hard at this I thought I would pee myself.

You can just see her writing this garbage , so proud of herself just knowing that these wonderful words she just put down would make you feel so guilty and you would come crawling back begging her to forgive you for not putting up with her bad behavior. :lol:

The best part is , nothing is happening. I seriously would suggest you not answer this letter or anything. She can sit there wondering if you even got the letter, why you aren't responding because of course she is a wizard with words , she just cant figure it out!

Meanwhile, we are all sitting back with a cup of coffee laughing our heads off at her. What an idiot to think that kind of manipulation would work on you.
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Re: Manipulation messages

Postby banana93 » Mon Aug 07, 2017 1:50 pm

Melody wrote:
banana93 wrote:I would of thought our relationship would of meant something to you since I'm your mother in law and have welcomed you in our home and lives for so many years!" Guilt and entitlement. - again, I showed up when INVITED. And next time if I'm trapped into going to your houseI will re-arrange YOUR kitchen without asking.


Thank you for adding to it. LOL!

No ..seriously she rearranged things and "cleaned" my house for her party. Then left it a mess. She kept telling DH afterward that I should be grateful she came and "cleaned".
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Re: Manipulation messages

Postby banana93 » Mon Aug 07, 2017 2:05 pm

Keep reading it as you are doing so you will never forget. I unfortunately deleted many of the messages sent from my narc ILs because I was just so upset with the barrage of attacks from all of them -- including flying monkeys-- (both passive AND aggressive) that at the time I just wanted to turn it all off.

I screen shot all her messages, she would never admit to saying any of it, so i'll keep my proof that I'm not the crazy one.

b]Tyrant (now separated wife) of BIL 2 - "It's just ALL about YOU, YOU, YOU!!" [/b](yes, in cap letters like that, and there were a lot more cap words in her long response. She was actually projecting because really she was one of the most self-absorbed people I have ever met, and everything was actually all about HER, HER, HER ... that's why she's leaves so much destruction behind wherever she goes, including for the people she claims to 'love' like BIL2 and the children she carts around like accessories).


AHHH noticing when someone is projecting is so irritating and laugh worthy at the same time!


BIL 2 - "We miss you guys, and the cousins need to be together" (biggest hypocrite #2, to this day is still in denial about his part in all the toxicity from Day 1, and loves to use the kids to guilt trip us into getting back involved with them)


Wow.. yup use the kids when you have no more leverage. Can't wait for MIL to start playing this game. Grandma has a right to see HER grandchildren. >.<

Stepmonster IL - (after ranting and raving at me and basically letting it be known that DH and I weren't really family) "I'm a good persona and I love ALL of my children equally and my family is important to me" (then proceeds to block me on FB and unfriend one of her 'children' DH. Nobody else got blocked and unfriended. So much for equality) :lol:


We've had this happen in out family too, says one thing and then resorts to FB blocking and plays favorites, immediately after saying she just wants everyone to get along. BS!

Like I said, I wish I had the original messages, but these lines alone are enough to make me steer clear of these cringe-worthy people. Tuck that note into you pocket any time you think you might get hovered back in :wink:


Tucked, stored, never going back to the hell hole!
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Re: Manipulation messages

Postby jigglypuff » Mon Aug 07, 2017 2:15 pm

She sounds like a lovely woman...

Reading over that message reminds me of the things my BPD mother would spew when we'd confront her on something. She'd always turn it around and play the victim. Say I'm too "critical" of her and "nobody's perfect". No apologies, no accountability for what she's done, everything is always someone else's fault.

I don't have messages like these from my ILs because they're smart enough not to leave behind a trail of evidence. They also never cared enough to write to me, ever.
I did have some text messages from my arguments with SIL, ESIL and EBIL that incriminated them but I deleted them because I figured, what's the point? I'm never going to bother with these people again and I already been through enough to know they're aholes. The enablers didn't care about the evidence so I gave up. I did however keep the online comments ESIL made about me, MIL, SFIL and an IL family friend. I have no idea why I still have them.
'As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to ruin it for me'
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Re: Manipulation messages

Postby WatchingMyBack » Mon Aug 07, 2017 4:52 pm

I'd have to take a red pen and make corrections to all the bad grammar and typos, then send it back with an "F-" circled at the top.

The word is "have", not "of". You could HAVE. Not could "of".
“Make no judgments where you have no compassion.”
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Re: Manipulation messages

Postby banana93 » Mon Aug 07, 2017 8:01 pm

WatchingMyBack wrote:I'd have to take a red pen and make corrections to all the bad grammar and typos, then send it back with an "F-" circled at the top.

The word is "have", not "of". You could HAVE. Not could "of".


No one ever accused her of being intelligent.. it drove me insane too. My grammar isn't 100% all the time but Christ she is awful.

Surprisingly my BIL is worse. He's the idiot of the family and definitely her offspring. He's always asking how to spell words as he types.
"How do you spell sock?" SOCK
"Really I thought there was a Q in there."
Coming from a 26 year old man who somehow managed to pass high school and college! -_-
I once told him to just use the spelling option on a word document but his attempt wouldn't even register any suggested words.
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Re: Manipulation messages

Postby Yacky » Tue Aug 08, 2017 11:17 am

OMG, my MIL could *have* (LOL!) written exactly these words -- except she never would because that would be far too close to apologizing/admitting fault for her liking.

Remember, it's not just guilt and projection she's using here, but also trying to SHAME you. She wants you to feel shame for her feeling like a victim. It's hysterical (in a very sad way) how these narcs think they are pulling something we won't be able to catch when they write crap like that. They clearly have some small-minded folk around them who might actually believe this drivel.

These narcs didn't just choose *US* as their first narcissistic supply sources, they've been perfecting their craft for years on others. Unfortunately for them, however, that by the time they got around to trying it on US, we were far too smart for them...and they hate us for it.

Stand tall and firm!

p.s. All I have to do if I ever feel an urge to contact my MIL is to remember how they threw their heads back and howled when we asked them to please close their screen door so that our autistic daughter didn't keep having huge welts all over her body from mosquito bites (her skin is incredibly sensitive to them, especially the tropical mosquitoes in my IL's country). They tried to turn it around on **ME** and suggest that I was being unreasonable and demanding to make that request since it was SUCH an inconvenience for them to close the screen door behind them. Yeah, that's me - super demanding because I didn't want my daughter to suffer any longer.

I just remind myself that they were QUITE happy for my daughter to suffer, never offered her any kind of salve for her bites, never comforted her, etc and instead went on to insult her at every turn (an innocent autistic (then) 7 year old!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) That's all I need to stay strong in my NC and to keep my kids the hell away from those toxic asses.
~~ Some people really need a great big high-five....to the face....with a baseball bat ~~
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Re: Manipulation messages

Postby jigglypuff » Tue Aug 08, 2017 6:00 pm

These narcs didn't just choose *US* as their first narcissistic supply sources, they've been perfecting their craft for years on others.


So true. Makes me wonder how many victims my ILs have left in their wake. I know ESIL has a pretty large number of them. She was already a pro when her targets were set on me.
'As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to ruin it for me'
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Re: Manipulation messages

Postby momjeans » Wed Aug 09, 2017 1:31 pm

This is great, banana93. It's so wise keep dialogue tucked away as healthy reminders. Whenever I feel myself slipping with my disengagement, I go back and read my MILs toxic words. Her words, verbatim, copy/pasted into its very own folder I keep on my phone.


bsfighter1 wrote:Keep reading it as you are doing so you will never forget. I unfortunately deleted many of the messages sent from my narc ILs because I was just so upset with the barrage of attacks from all of them -- including flying monkeys-- (both passive AND aggressive) that at the time I just wanted to turn it all off.

Stepmonster IL - (after ranting and raving at me and basically letting it be known that DH and I weren't really family) "I'm a good persona and I love ALL of my children equally and my family is important to me" (then proceeds to block me on FB and unfriend one of her 'children' DH. Nobody else got blocked and unfriended. So much for equality)


My MIL never passes up the opportunity, through tears streaming down her face, her pointing finger inches away from face, to tell me what a good person she is. How she has never been treated so poorly by someone in her life (she seems to forget my DH's ex wife disliked her too... coincidence?) How much she loves me and her other son's fiancé, yet MIL goes the extra mile to divide and conquer all the, once healthy, relationships around her - because she has to be #1 to her sons. :lol:
Not my family. Not my flying monkeys.
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Re: Manipulation messages

Postby momjeans » Wed Aug 09, 2017 1:41 pm

Yacky wrote:Remember, it's not just guilt and projection she's using here, but also trying to SHAME you. She wants you to feel shame for her feeling like a victim. It's hysterical (in a very sad way) how these narcs think they are pulling something we won't be able to catch when they write crap like that. They clearly have some small-minded folk around them who might actually believe this drivel.

These narcs didn't just choose *US* as their first narcissistic supply sources, they've been perfecting their craft for years on others. Unfortunately for them, however, that by the time they got around to trying it on US, we were far too smart for them...and they hate us for it.


^^this^^

When my MIL throws out the comment "I've never been treated this way by someone in my life", I just have to laugh. I don't have to look very far to find people who aren't particularly fond of MIL. I also feel that, for the most part, MIL surrounds herself with spineless, simple-minded folk who would never in a million years stand up to her and call her out on her BS.

As far as I can tell, I'm one of the few that have stood up to her. I think it adds insult to injury that it happens to be coming from her son's wife. Someone she cannot manipulate and control.
Not my family. Not my flying monkeys.
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Re: Manipulation messages

Postby banana93 » Wed Aug 09, 2017 5:23 pm

When my MIL throws out the comment "I've never been treated this way by someone in my life", I just have to laugh. I don't have to look very far to find people who aren't particularly fond of MIL. I also feel that, for the most part, MIL surrounds herself with spineless, simple-minded folk who would never in a million years stand up to her and call her out on her BS.

As far as I can tell, I'm one of the few that have stood up to her. I think it adds insult to injury that it happens to be coming from her son's wife. Someone she cannot manipulate and control.


Sounds exactly like mine.. I live in small town and she was like a wrecking ball when she lived here. The people she considers friends are just as bad as her (gossiping, lying, flying monkeys) or they're stupid sheep. It puts a thorn right up her ass to know i'm not buying the sob story and fake apology crap just to rug sweep her poor behavior.
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Re: Manipulation messages

Postby banana93 » Wed Aug 09, 2017 5:30 pm

momjeans wrote:This is great, banana93. It's so wise keep dialogue tucked away as healthy reminders. Whenever I feel myself slipping with my disengagement, I go back and read my MILs toxic words. Her words, verbatim, copy/pasted into its very own folder I keep on my phone.

My MIL never passes up the opportunity, through tears streaming down her face, her pointing finger inches away from face, to tell me what a good person she is. How she has never been treated so poorly by someone in her life (she seems to forget my DH's ex wife disliked her too... coincidence?) How much she loves me and her other son's fiancé, yet MIL goes the extra mile to divide and conquer all the, once healthy, relationships around her - because she has to be #1 to her sons. :lol:


I should make a special folder..
I HATE that, the crying and sob story about how the world is against her and she's not at fault for the things she said or did (I've heard some lame excuses, "I'm your MIL". That's it. That's the only reason she'll give as to why we should forgive her.) ....Bitch please. I don't feel sorry for you. You made yourself miserable.

Why does she do that? the divide and conquer, my MIL does that too. I don't understand it. She claims to want everyone to get along then lies and gossips to other in-laws to start shit between those of us who have good relationships with one another. We figure it out quick but WTH??
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