Counseling Day!

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Counseling Day!

Postby djs » Thu Jan 11, 2018 9:38 am

Well today we head to the marriage counselor. I can’t wait to see what they say!

Have others gone to counseling? How did it go for you?

These past few days I have noticed a bit of a change in dh. He is very aggravated, and is making dramatizing comments about our marriage. I have never heard this from him before and am a little surprised but not surprised if that makes sense. He has narc tendencies for sure. This morning we were suppose to go to breakfast together. He is always up early and has always woke me if we are going somewhere. This morning he didnt and when I questioned him, telling him I was disappointed he didnt wake me, he said I should have woke up myself. Huh? I have been married 18 years, he has always woken me up when we had plans

I told him that I thought he just didnt want to spend time with me today. That I could feel his aggravation with me about our appointment today. Then I get “ we just dont get along anymore”. “ I’ll work on being a better husband” just digs regarding our marriage. Now we get along fine! We do not argue much and I dont know why he is dramatizing negativity about ourmarriage. Mind you he has never spoke things like this before.

Could he be doing this to take the light off the real issue of mil? Even trying to deny that she is the issue (if even in his own mind)? I am sort of amused that going to a counselor has him so worked up where I feel as calm as ever!
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Re: Counseling Day!

Postby Melody » Thu Jan 11, 2018 10:50 am

Great news! And it sounds like not a moment too soon.

Don't expect a miracle after one session - the counselor has to get to know you both first.

I went years ago with my ex. It turned into a "you need to fix her" rant. The counselor actually took his side! Aughh! But after my ex "gave up" after six sessions, the counselor told me she thought he was one of the biggest aholes she ever met and she felt sorry for me. I went for a year after and she helped me build up my self esteem, find out what was important to me, find some zen and be a good parent. (I was left with a neborn and two year old). (BTW, an ex girlfriend of my exH confided in me that he and she went for counseling. exH was officially diagnosed as a Narc and a sex addict).

Second time - with DH was MUCH more fun and productive. As the counselor put it (different counselor) its important to work on your relationship and have "tune-ups" when needed. She pointed out DH and my communication skills are different. He's actually much more articulate then me - but he comes on like a steamroller sometimes - where as I just back away. We learned to come to a compromise. We learned how to NOT hurt each other or what to do if we DO hurt each other. VERY productive - and not that many sessions!

The stepmonster conversation was surprisingly brief. The counselor (older classy woman) said, "Yep she's a piece of sh*t" but that's who he considers to be his mother. She told me that "You can't expect DH to cut her off." Then she told DH that, "It is YOUR responsibility to protect your family from her! Do NOT allow third parties to come between you!".

I was a little disappointed, BUT DH went much lower contact since that point.

Best wishes! Good luck! Let us know how it goes!
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Re: Counseling Day!

Postby PutMILinherplace » Thu Jan 11, 2018 11:42 am

Like Melody said, don't expect a miracle after the first session.

Keep in mind the reason he is acting like a spoiled child is because he really is. That is what a narcissist is , a spoiled brat. A spoiled brat does not like having their bad behavior pointed out. They think they should go through life acting and treating people anyway they want. They really don't understand when people go, "no, you will not treat me like that."

His behovoir is childish because he is acting like a child; throwing a fit when he doesnt get his way. He will keep it up no doubt. When he does, give him the same disapproving or disgusted look you would with your child when they actied like that. I am not kidding. Treat him like you would a child acting like that.

Good luck. Half the battle was even getting him to go so that in itself is a good sign.
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Re: Counseling Day!

Postby djs » Thu Jan 11, 2018 1:40 pm

We went to counseling years ago we were married about 5 years. I went onve with him and the counselor told only him to return to work on issues. Ha!

I dont expect too much today just glad to start and be able to get an honest outsiders opinion. I know I am just in what is taking place.
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Re: Counseling Day!

Postby djs » Thu Jan 11, 2018 5:06 pm

My friends, it was a very, very good session!

The first session should always be longer in my opinion but we each got to talk a bit and open up about issues. I believe the counselor saw my views and understood clearly what I was dealing with. I stayed reserved and kept to the main points

There were many times when the counselor asked dh questions as to why he did not put MIL in her place (saying something not nice about me) and why he deals (or bothers with MIL) when she treats his family so terribly? She asked if he felt obligated and ge said no. I could tell by the questioning that the counselor thought they were extremely disfunctional.

The last words the counselor had as she looked at both of us then turned to dh and said “you may not like this but your family is your wife and daughter period! - that is your core family and you can not let ANYONE come between that “. Then the counselor said much more to come on that subject in our next meeting ( to us both).

BINGO!
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Re: Counseling Day!

Postby jigglypuff » Thu Jan 11, 2018 6:28 pm

The last words the counselor had as she looked at both of us then turned to dh and said “you may not like this but your family is your wife and daughter period! - that is your core family and you can not let ANYONE come between that “. Then the counselor said much more to come on that subject in our next meeting ( to us both).


She sounds awesome! Seems like you found a great counselor. I like how directly she told your DH exactly what he needed to hear.

If he doesn't get it after these sessions are over, he never will.
'As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to ruin it for me'
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Re: Counseling Day!

Postby djs » Thu Jan 11, 2018 6:38 pm

Exactly! And then I may have to make a decision. But like someone said, he is going so it is a step in the right direction. Hoping for the best.
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Re: Counseling Day!

Postby Photomama16 » Fri Jan 12, 2018 2:13 am

I’m glad to hear the counselor called him out on not defending his family. Sounds to me like he knew what was coming and decided to throw a temper tantrum like a spoiled brat. He needs to open his eyes and ears and truly hear what the counselor is telling him. At some point he has to be willing to change.
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Re: Counseling Day!

Postby Melody » Fri Jan 12, 2018 1:08 pm

Congrats! Sounds like a wonderful start and a good match! Hope it continues to go as well!
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Re: Counseling Day!

Postby Yacky » Mon Jan 15, 2018 3:07 pm

It sounds a little like he was acting that way before the appointment as a defense mechanism, probably because he didn't know what to expect in the session and was "nervous", if you will, that he would be ganged up upon. A good counselor will let him know that the way he was raised was in a manipulative style that is probably hard to pull away from, but that **THAT** is not REAL and unconditional love. She should tell him that it's understandable that dealing with a manipulative mother can be confusing, because these kind of people KNOW they have you by the balls (so to speak) with guilt and shame, and they use YOUR LOVE FOR THEM against you to pull your strings.

YOU represent the person who pulled him away from her apron so that she cannot manipulate him as actively any longer, which makes you Enemy Number One (it's OK, I'm ENO as well LOL). She is pulling out all the stops to guilt and shame in back into line, which naturally is going to confuse him and make him feel conflicted (SHAME ON HER!!!).

It's not as though you wouldn't happily be connected to his mother if she had a healthy and loving approach to a relationship with you. She has created this shit show to try to divide his "loyalties" (if you will) to create discord in your relationship (with the ultimate goal of trying to ruin it). Hopefully the counselor can get you both more on the same team and to open his eyes to the manipulations of his mother...and to lovingly let him know that he wouldn't have been conflicted in the first place if he didn't have love for people (like his mother, and you), but that to use that love capacity against him to create discord in your marriage was/is WRONG and sick.

It sounds promising so far, just be sure to lay on the love extra thick during this therapy time so that he realizes that being in harmony with YOU (even in the midst of therapy) is SO MUCH BETTER than being in chaos and manipulation with HER.
~~ Some people really need a great big high-five....to the face....with a baseball bat ~~
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Re: Counseling Day!

Postby djs » Mon Jan 15, 2018 4:19 pm

Yacky you are so true!

This morning was session #2. Today the counselor spent time listning to dh version of his realationship with his mom and other family members (sil, bil etc). It was surprising to me to hear him describe (in a negative tone) the lousy way they act and have treated all of us, including examples of how they leave him out of things.

Hearing all that made me realize that he too has been putting up with crap much longer then he should have. He does need to see that this is not normal and families dont treat each other like this.

The counselor did much listening and I chimed in just a bit. When our time was up she stated that in what they could make out so far, this is NOT an issue of MIL just not liking me (the wife). The counselor feels that anyone in my shoes would be treated this way (as I gave her many examples of my trying to be kind) and that it really has a lot more to do with how the treat / respect him. He doesnt see that yet but I know by the counselor’s comments this is where it is going.

As we were leaving I saw the counselor glance dh when he wasnt looking. I know she “gets it” and has seen this family dynamic before. It basically will come down to standing up to them or walk away if they continue. I sort of felt bad for dh and hearing about how lousy they are even to him, but he needs to not allow it. Definitely a work in progress.
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Re: Counseling Day!

Postby bsfighter1 » Mon Jan 15, 2018 11:07 pm

“I am crossing my fingers that your husband will have some iota of sense and at the very least realize that the hurt goes both ways (although it's very arguable that they are the ones who are instigating the hurt to begin with), and that he doesn't want you to feel hurt in this situation either. But whether he sees it or not, at least if you give him very clear boundaries about what you're not willing to tolerate anymore, he'll have it in black and white, and he's the fool if he decides to continue crossing those boundaries, since it seems that he has yet to accept that mommy doesn't have his best interests at heart either.

No mother does if she willingly tries to put a wrench in her son's marriage, no matter how she feels about the spouse.”

This is what I mentioned to you back in your post ‘New Years Day and I don’t care.’ It is very much an issue with your husband and his parents. Good that the counselor sees this too.
”My magical Bitch-be-Gone spray.” Lmao :lol:
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Re: Counseling Day!

Postby djs » Tue Jan 16, 2018 9:14 am

bsfighter1 wrote:“No mother does if she willingly tries to put a wrench in her son's marriage, no matter how she feels about the spouse.”

This is what I mentioned to you back in your post ‘New Years Day and I don’t care.’ It is very much an issue with your husband and his parents. Good that the counselor sees this too.


Bsfighter 1 - you are so right. Now remember I have grown children and my daughter married someone that was not very nice to her. She quickly left the marriage and is in a wonderful relationship with someone who treats her like gold! That being said, I do have opportunities to see this "ex" of hers. Although I am not happy with the things my daughter told me about what he did, I am cordial ask how he is, etc. One does not have to be MEAN or spiteful to another human being because of a marriage, divorce.

That being said, after two sessions, a lot has come up and my head is spinning in a whirlwind around all that we are "digging up" from the past. I truly have to say that the look on the counselor's face looking at my dh when we left last session was definitely one of "this guy has a lot to learn and the poor guy has a lousy family". I feel bad that he doesn't even understand that his family is TOXIC at this point.

But going forward the question is . . . does he continue with this or understand that it isn't healthy and move away? I am struggling with the answer as I have not seen a much encouragement that he has made any moves in the right direction. (ie: we discussed why he is calling "mother" every day and I believe he is still doing that). Habits are hard to break even BAD ones.

I find myself a bit depressed having to deal with all of it. I am even beginning to look back and recognize even more that was done to me that I took as innocent mistakes then but realize now it was on purpose (the part of me that tries to always think the best of someone). I do know that I CAN NOT continue and made it very very clear that she is no longer welcome in my home and that will be a line not to cross!

I so hate to be like this but the situation has given me no choice! I am so down it isn't funny!
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