When IL's won't stop harassing you...

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When IL's won't stop harassing you...

Postby justgoaway » Thu May 18, 2017 2:43 pm

Has anyone been in a situation in the past when IL's won't stop harassing you with texts, phone calls, e-mails, etc. insisting on having a relationship (or saying you need to "get over" your issues and make up with them for the sake of faaaaaammmmily), when you've made it clear you don't want one or have specific expectations from them (ie. apologies!) before you would consider a relationship?

What did you do, and did your IL's ever get the message?
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Re: When IL's won't stop harassing you...

Postby Hiddenjem » Thu May 18, 2017 6:39 pm

In my case, the inlaws kept texting me demanding that I babysit, clean their homes, provide photography services, or decorate their homes for special occasions, I said no and blocked them. Then, they knocked on the door and just stood there way too long. I disconnected the door bell, started keeping the front blinds closed, and blocked them on my cell phone.

My birth family harassed me by email, by showing up at my home (looking in window and blocking driveway) and by land and cell phone.

I called the police, changed my cell phone number, cut off all contact with people who could be giving them information, disconnected the door bell, moved two and half hours away and Dh blocked them on his phone.

If the police are involved, make sure a report is filled out. The police tend to not do so for "family matters." I have no paper trail because I "assumed" calling the police itself caused a paper trail.

Dh was harassed to remodel their homes, basements, install kitchen floors, wood floors, replace ceilings. He said no to all the requests saying that we are already maintaing our own home and 1 acre of yardwork! He doesn't have time!

Did they get the message?

Dh says the efforts have paid off.

I am grateful for each day of no attempts at contact but may never feel totally at peace until they start dying off. We think that once mil and so called mom are gone, it will take away the entitlement from the rest of them.

Mil hasn't attempted to show up and demand access to our locked gated back yard or while Dh was at work since the last time. We were in the pool and she asked to be let in through the locked gate. We said hi, stayed in the pool and pretended not hear the request. She ended up leaving.

Good luck!
"I have learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did. But people will never forget how you made them feel." Maya Angelou
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Re: When IL's won't stop harassing you...

Postby justgoaway » Thu May 18, 2017 7:04 pm

Yikes! That is pretty crazy!

I posted previously about our incident with BIL on New Year's Day, and about what happened on Mother's Day. That seems to have opened a mega can of worms. We have not had any interaction with BIL for almost 6 months, and it's been 6 months of peace. DH accidentally butt-dialled him the other day, and now BIL won't stop calling him. DH won't answer the phone and deletes his voicemails before he can even listen to them.

BIL is also calling, texting and emailing other family about the fight they had with MIL (previous post re. refusing to store her junk). He just won't stop and it's driving us all crazy! A good next step would be to block their numbers!
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Re: When IL's won't stop harassing you...

Postby Hiddenjem » Thu May 18, 2017 7:26 pm

It does sound like it is time to block their numbers!

I would assume attempts of contact through mail will be coming near Thanksgiving and Christmas. I notice commercial holidays brings out the attempts of contact! Also, guilt trips from "flying monkeys" people who know "both sides."

Perhaps consider avoiding people or cutting out people you know who are friends / other family who are in contact with them.

Good luck!
"I have learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did. But people will never forget how you made them feel." Maya Angelou
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Re: When IL's won't stop harassing you...

Postby Melody » Thu May 18, 2017 7:47 pm

Stepmonster used to call all the time to talk about herself (I have never met anyone more boring either - so no wonder she latches on to anyone who will listen). It didn't matter WHAT I was doing (working, trying to get kids out to the bus stop on time, taking care of a crying baby), yapping and yapping and yapping so eventually I just stopped picking up. DH when he was still very much a DUH gave his parents my skype ID without asking - UGHHHHHHHHH!!!! Again, didn't matter what I was doing (and I work out of the house) they'd both call whenever they wanted. Since I need the indicator on for WORK, when I bought a new computer DH told his parents there "was no camera" so I COULDN'T skype anymore.

After MANY incidences of stepmonster overstepping with our kids (she never had any and DH has never argued with me that she doesn't know which end to diaper but you can't tell her ANYTHING) and just generally being nasty I stopped talking to her. So DH's father would call DH and keep pressuring him to "get his wife in line" and that Melody needs to "Respect your mother!".

Things got MUCHHHHH better when we went up to a "BBQ" (We had to bring things and I cooked what I was going to eat - meanwhile what I cooked was the FIRST to go). As we sat outside watching the dogs play in the kiddie pool (no the kiddie pool was NOT for our children of course) DH had a talk with his "mother" (stepmonster). DH filled in the parts I couldn't hear.

DH told stepmonster the reason why she doesn't get invited to the kids' events anymore is because she doesn't listen. Well it took him three tries to get this sentence out BECAUSE SHE KEPT TALKING OVER HIM. And then it escalates. Same old nonsense arguments.

FIL (big guy) slams his hand on the counter and yells, "Respect your mother!".

DH comes out, and tells me, "Time to go.". I've never been so happy :)! That was almost three glorious years ago and we haven't been back at the lair since. (Not that we haven't seen them elsewhere, but that was a huge victory).

They call the house for SOME of the kids' birthdays. Whatever. But I won't even dial their house phone anymore. I called when DH was having surgery to let them know he was out, and stepmonster was a complete bitch. So I told DH no more. If there is ever another reason to call - FIL's cell phone only. And if stepmonster picks up (which she so often does) I'm hanging up.
Last edited by Melody on Fri May 19, 2017 8:28 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: When IL's won't stop harassing you...

Postby Hiddenjem » Fri May 19, 2017 5:04 am

Melody,

I wish I could of been there when Dh announced that it was time to go! It had to have been a freeing moment!
"I have learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did. But people will never forget how you made them feel." Maya Angelou
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Re: When IL's won't stop harassing you...

Postby rubycrownedkinglet » Fri May 19, 2017 10:23 am

We gave her no response at all after DH told her not to call here again but it still took 2 1/2 years for ESIL to stop contacting us. She may have continued to try for another two years, I don't know because we changed our number to a non-published one and went dark (way dark) on the internet. We had to go underground to get rid of her, but she did finally get the message. The message wasn't that we didn't want her to contact us. The message was that we were never going to give her money.

She stopped sending mail after 2 years, or at least if she did, it was intercepted and discarded by DH. I never saw it. I have no doubt if they had lived nearby, they would have cruised our house on a regular basis to spy or to by to rug-sweep or confront us for being so rude as to drop them. I envisioned them stopping by when I was in the front yard cutting grass. It was very uncomfortable to live under a cloud like that, but in truth, it was mostly my own fault.
My imagination was my worst enemy, not my ESIL.

That was why when I saw on FB that she was whining about having lost her whole family, it finally sank in that she had accepted our NC and it was somewhat over. It didn't completely end until she suddenly died. Her DH didn't send a letter or call us (he may have if he'd had our number). Her brother contacted us through the police department, but didn't contact us directly (he would have if he'd had our number).
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Re: When IL's won't stop harassing you...

Postby Melody » Fri May 19, 2017 12:24 pm

@Hiddengem - It was GLORIOUS! I'm embarrassed how giddy I felt! The last time we were there, Stepmonster blabbed about herself for HOURS, and never asked ANYTHING about the kids or DH or I. When it was time to leave, she came running out to our car. I thought maybe she would ask how we were doing - silly me! I told DH to just GO!!! It was like the scene from the terminator - when the liquid metal terminator reforms and runs chasing after the vehicle at high speeds (shudder!).

Anyway, this was not the first screaming match and case of families leaving. BIL left Easter Dinner at the Aunt's screaming at FIL that he Does NOT want stepmonster ANYWHERE near his wife and kids anymore!!! Then left. Stepmonster tried to say, "Oh, they were about to leave anyway". Hosting Aunt and her sister did NOT let this go. They told stepmonster "Oh NOOOOO they weren't!" However, everything was back to status quo somehow like a month later. (WTF?)

I knew DH wasn't THAT weak, but I was afraid the same would happen and we'd be back to the SOS. DH DID invite them to our house ONCE (Why?) right after she was arrested for three felonies - but it may have been to grill her. But now they bother us much less. (Meanwhile we WANTED the kids to get to know FIL but he keeps shoving stepmonster on us and when she's out of town - he's "busy").

Long story short - DUHs and ILs CANcan learn eventually but it seems like only when its black and white and there is NO wiggle room to pretend "they meant well".
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Re: When IL's won't stop harassing you...

Postby Hiddenjem » Fri May 19, 2017 3:01 pm

Ruby, I understand the feeling. It is hard for me feel at peace even with "all of them" leaving us alone and respecting boundaries. It will be a nice feeling, I imagine, as they start dying off.

Melody, thanks for the Terminater movie visual! I can imagine the phony apology and possibly tears that she may of shed if you didn't just leave!
Last edited by Hiddenjem on Sat May 20, 2017 3:15 am, edited 1 time in total.
"I have learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did. But people will never forget how you made them feel." Maya Angelou
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Re: When IL's won't stop harassing you...

Postby bsfighter1 » Sat May 20, 2017 2:32 am

@ Melody. After reading your reply it sounds like you FIL is the one with a lot of issues-- just like mine (ie allowing monster to completely destroy relationships with his son and dil, and not taking an interest in grandkids because there is a boundary for good reason with stepmonster now. He also still tries to shove her down our throats even after 4+ years of CO with them by writing 'grandma' in my DS bday card-- we just chucked the card). Your stepmonster sounds like an obvious monster, but what's his excuse for being attracted to someone like that and shoving her down everyone's throat, and then being nervy enough to tell your DH to get you in line (chauvinistic by the way) when he refuses to do the same with his problematic wife. I've learned that while some stepmonsters ILs can be tyrants, its people like our fils who are truly disturbed in their hearts. Case in point, it wasn't until we cut my stepmonster il off and went vlc with exFIL that his true disturbances showed because he didn't have stepmonster to overshadow his true character anymore. In the past, although there were signs with that man that something was VERY off, stepmonster with her tantrums, incessant gossip and demands drew our attention away from him so that he could sit back with a smirk, and let his twisted wife do most of his dirty work.
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Re: When IL's won't stop harassing you...

Postby bsfighter1 » Sat May 20, 2017 8:21 am

justgoaway wrote:Has anyone been in a situation in the past when IL's won't stop harassing you with texts, phone calls, e-mails, etc. insisting on having a relationship (or saying you need to "get over" your issues and make up with them for the sake of faaaaaammmmily), when you've made it clear you don't want one or have specific expectations from them (ie. apologies!) before you would consider a relationship?

What did you do, and did your IL's ever get the message?


To your first question... that's one huge reason I'm here as a member of this Forum. If I (and likely most of us on here) we're dealing with reasonable and decent people with the ability to self-reflect and own up to their harmful behaviour, I wouldn't be on a forum called 'I hate my ILs,' maybe more appropriate forums for the situation like 'healing from il mistakes' or 're-establishing boundaries and relationships' or heck 'my ILs are great because they are such decent people they would never set out to hurt me and my family in the first place!' (They would definitely need an acronym for the last one ;)

For your second question, over time (4+ years) my exILs have faded into the woodwork, but they do make troubling attempts at contact from time to time, not to mention the flying monkeys that outright harassed me to basically shut up and make up for their family's sake and could care less about how we were treated or the impact on us and our kids of putting ourselves back with harmful people :evil:

one example was exFIL popping up unwelcomed and unannounced at my doorstep last October to drop off a bday card to my DS -- I opened the door accidentally thinking it was a sales person--which just put my 8 year old in the middle of the mess! It was definitely a game exFIL was playing because a NORMAL father would contact H and tell him he was in town -- working just 5 minutes away from DH's office (especially given the poisoned relationships) and drop the card with him (or better yet, drop it in the mail). But he was definitely making a point to SEE his grandson (who he's made no effort to get to know) by having the nerve to come on our property, and then likely reporting back to his enabler sisters and parents what a 'good grandpa' he is and see, bsfighter1 is the one with the problem for not inviting him in for coffee. :roll:

Wish I could say from my own experience that this stops, and I'm still hopeful they'll just leave us alone after I blocked the last of them on my social media, but unfortunately you can't make it stop, especially when a SO still remains in vlc with them and maintains a relationship with extended ILs. One way is to move and not forward the address to anyone, not even casual acquaintances of ILs, change numbers, emails, names... etc. But seriously, whose going to do that for awful ILs who aren't actual criminals? It's like living your life in hiding.
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Re: When IL's won't stop harassing you...

Postby SonOutLaw » Sat May 20, 2017 9:41 am

justgoaway wrote:Has anyone been in a situation in the past when IL's won't stop harassing you with texts, phone calls, e-mails, etc. insisting on having a relationship (or saying you need to "get over" your issues and make up with them for the sake of faaaaaammmmily), when you've made it clear you don't want one or have specific expectations from them (ie. apologies!) before you would consider a relationship?

What did you do, and did your IL's ever get the message?


No matter what type of contact you receive from toxic family always remember Admiral Ackbar from Star Wars: "It's a trap!". :)

Image

We were in LC with my FOO (mom and dad) and NC with my siblings for over seven years. My mom is the disruptor, enabler and divisive personality for the group. She has divided my relationships (friends and family) for years. I could never figure out if it was me or not until adulthood when I moved away for my first job.

We would have a blow up and mom would mostly stay within boundaries. As her health has gone down hill (self-inflicted due to diet and insecurity) she has gotten worse. Once my dad started defending her we knew we had to go NC.

It's an odd (to us anyway) situation. We would not hear a peep from them for months (in their minds, thats ok) but when you cut off contact by not returning phone calls its a major issue. I always wonder what the relationship is like from my siblings point of view. Do they call crying and screaming when they do not receive contact?

We know that we were the focal point...all of our business (through the lense of mom) was repeated back to family to show how horrible we are. What we know, and I've witnessed this in other group relationships, is that once you as the focal point remove yourself completely (no contact!) they quickly devour each other.

We removed ourselves from the ILs and five years later BIL was divorced. They really cannot see that the toxic nature of these people is the problem, quite the opposite, they crave it. Once that is all they have and it's aimed at each other it falls apart.
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Re: When IL's won't stop harassing you...

Postby justgoaway » Sun May 21, 2017 12:46 pm

SonOutLaw wrote:We removed ourselves from the ILs and five years later BIL was divorced. They really cannot see that the toxic nature of these people is the problem, quite the opposite, they crave it. Once that is all they have and it's aimed at each other it falls apart.


This is SO TRUE! And we are definitely seeing this to be the case with my IL's now that they don't have us to bully. They've turned their focus to others in the family, trying to bully and control them too.

I wrote previously about MIL's fight with another family member after they said they would no longer store her junk. MIL has enlisted DH's brother and sister to defend her, and they've been regularly calling this family member trying to get her to apologize. This family has asked them repeatedly to leave her alone, and has blocked their numbers. These people are used to dictating to others how they should behave and what they should be doing for their family, no matter how unreasonable their requests are. Now that others like DH are growing a backbone and starting to say NO, they're losing their minds.

DH stood up to them and got put in the doghouse, and now other family is as well now that they're standing up to them. It's comical to sit back and watch them slowly implode because they've lost control.
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Re: When IL's won't stop harassing you...

Postby JustPlainHateHer » Sun May 21, 2017 7:44 pm

Block them all
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Re: When IL's won't stop harassing you...

Postby jigglypuff » Mon May 22, 2017 10:36 am

We've experienced different reactions from different ILs. There are 3 ILs who don't seem to get the message to leave us alone, MIL, BIL and EBIL.

After my confrontation with ESIL and SIL, we haven't heard from them since. MIL, EBIL and BIL however, rear their ugly heads about every 6-8 months or so. Once a year at least.

Recently, BIL and EBIL tried to triangulate through a mutual friend of ours and we told him we wanted nothing to do with the ILs and nothing they said or did would change that.
Also, last year, MIL decided to show up at our front door on DH's bday. She hasn't celebrated a bday with him since '09. Since her children and GC have all moved away from her over the last two years, she's lonely and now wants attention from us. DH sent her a text telling her we want nothing to do with her. She claimed we "broke her heart" :lol:
Hopefully the ILs have gotten the message but who knows, they'll likely continue to stalk and contact us as narc maniacs often do.

To the narc you are not a person with feelings, you are a tool they possess. So when you discard them first, they lose their minds.

Best thing you can do is block and ignore. Even when they try to get a rise out of you, ignore, ignore, ignore. Any attention is good attention to the narc. Anger shows them you still care.
You could even give them a final notice, letting them know you want nothing to do with them and any further contact will be considered harassment. Here's what a NC letter generally looks like http://narcissistschild.blogspot.com/2015/04/the-no-contact-letter.html
'As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to ruin it for me'
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