Breaks my heart

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Breaks my heart

Postby WatchingMyBack » Mon Feb 06, 2017 10:55 am

As I've mentioned before, my adult DD has a lot of issues and we are sure she has Borderline Personalty Disorder. Given the mental disorders of both DH's family and my FOO, it shouldn't be a huge surprise.

One of the biggest issues with her right now is how she flames at everyone because we "ignore" her and aren't "interested" in her self-destructive, childish lifestyle. She picked up and moved to a city in the west 8 years ago, and completely abandoned her condo (that DH and I bought for her), along with all the furnishings, etc. (again, that DH insisted we buy so she could have a "nice" place to live while she was getting her act together). She had money we had saved and put away for her, and she blew through it running from one eating disorder clinic to another (she wasn't anorexic or even thin. Now she is about 200 lbs overweight from the "treatment" that she received). She also definitely has Munchausen Syndrome but becomes enraged if a doctor even hints at it. She has gone through so many doctors and therapists it would make your head spin.

She doesn't work and lives on disability(for depression and her "complex chronic illnesses"). Her rent was going up, her savings were depleted and I told DH that I wasn't going to keep working just to pay her rent (she was living in an upscale apartment complex and refused to find anything more reasonable). Because she still had the condo here and could afford living there on her disability, I told DH that was the choice she was going to have to make. It didn't matter where she lives because she HAS NO LIFE. She stays in bed half the day (on social media) or is running from one doctors appointment to the next. She also keeps going to concerts in other cities, so usually every two months she is attending yet another money wasting trip (she keeps seeing the SAME woman singer, over and over and over). She buys herself the VIP package so she can meet the artist and have a photo taken. All money she DOESN'T have. We have a feeling she lives on credit cards. She does have one of DH's credit cards and there are times she runs up huge bills on that. I want to close it down but DH won't let me. He has nothing to do with her and is angry, but still feels because she is "mentally disturbed" he can't just cut her off.

Anyway, she started sending really hateful text messages to DIL yesterday. Now, DIL is the sweetest thing and has only ever been nice to DD. ODS doesn't have a relationship with DD and cut her off a couple of years ago after she starting texting him hateful F*U messages because he wasn't helping her with some medical legal matter (he wasn't licensed in that state to help, but honestly didn't want to get involved).

DIL's phone accidentally pocket dialed DD and that seems to have triggered the whole "I'm blocking you from my phone and deleting your phone number and don't ever call me again" thing. DIL was shocked and very upset. I know that DD is very envious of DIL because she is sweet, pretty, has a good job, is going to school to get a higher degree and has our darling GS, who really is sweet and pretty, too. DD had a crush on DIL's brother, and he is now engaged to be married next month to someone else and I think DD is angry about that and taking it out on DIL, too.

At any rate, I just needed to vent because I am the mother of an ESIL. I told ODS that this is how I was treated by :evil: BIL and that DIL should go NC right away. That nothing she will do or say to DD will matter for more than 2 minutes. ODS agrees because he said he really doesn't want her in their lives. DIL's family is ALL about family. They're all very close (too close) and it just was very insane for her to see how dysfunctional and divided our family is.

I can't get it off of my mind. I am so very angry at DD about this. I tried for so many years to help her get treatment or at least try to have some simalance of a normal life but it is not possible. It breaks my heart.
“Make no judgments where you have no compassion.”
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Re: Breaks my heart

Postby Yacky » Mon Feb 06, 2017 12:09 pm

I'm so sorry. Mental illness can be so painful to deal with. I assume you've chatted with your DIL to help her deal with the fact that your DD has a mental problem. Maybe a CO is best between your DD and DIL, so that the abuse doesn't continue or doesn't cause upset.

I wish I had some advice. There must be organizations for families of people with mental illness? Maybe call a medical professional and get some advice on how best to help your daughter...and/or how to help yourself and your family deal with it best.
~~ Some people really need a great big high-five....to the face....with a baseball bat ~~
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Re: Breaks my heart

Postby Photomama16 » Mon Feb 06, 2017 12:30 pm

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Check out NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) they might have some resources to help you. I definitely recommend a CO for your DIL. And if you haven't already, talk with her and reassure her that this isn't anything she caused, this is just your DD's illness. It's best that she doesn't have anything to do with your DD. Mental illness is hard on everyone involved. I know your DH is continuing to enable your DD, but keep reminding him that enabling her is not "helping" her, it is just continuing to perpetuate the cycle of self destruction your DD is on.
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Re: Breaks my heart

Postby PutMILinherplace » Mon Feb 06, 2017 4:03 pm

Photomama16 wrote: I know your DH is continuing to enable your DD, but keep reminding him that enabling her is not "helping" her, it is just continuing to perpetuate the cycle of self destruction your DD is on.


You have got to drill this in your DH's head. Someone who enables is actually being a selfish abuser. They are only helping to make themselves look good and/or to deal with their own guilt feelings. That is selfish. To enable someone is really abusing them. They are preventing the consequences of their actions which might encourage the person to make positive changes in their lives.
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Re: Breaks my heart

Postby Melody » Tue Feb 07, 2017 12:26 pm

@WatchingMyBack - (((Hugs!!!)))!!! Mental illness runs in my family. I haven't chimed in because I have no good advice to give you! Sorry :( Thinking of you!!!
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Re: Breaks my heart

Postby bsfighter1 » Wed Feb 08, 2017 8:01 am

I agree with PutMILinherplace. It is enabling the behaviours and in the long term not doing anything good for DD. now, as a parent, I'm not saying this is easy to do because I can only imagine how heart wrenching it would be to let my own children fall on their ass if they kept using me and refused to help themselves but at some point, something's got to give. If I was your DH I wouldn't just stop payment abruptly and without warning since she's your child. I would think first about my boundaries so I was clear about them and the consequences for DD crossing those boundaries so you can make it clear to her and follow through if she does not comply (ie we are willing to help you with your rent for 6 more months ONLY on the condition you find move to somewhere more economical and find a JOB that can pay for your rent or we will be cutting off funds. Period). She may complain,but when she sees she can't pay her rent on her own it might force her to move out. That's just one of many examples.
"I've learned that with narcs, absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder, it makes the heart grow free."
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Re: Breaks my heart

Postby jigglypuff » Sat Feb 11, 2017 8:48 pm

I strongly believe my mother and her younger sister have BPD. It's possible my GM had it as well.

My mother has exhibited the same behaviors as your DD, very immature and reckless. My mother is also terrible with money and is thousands of dollars in debt. She is incapable of finding a stable relationship and has terrible taste in men. She goes through these odd phases where she will be on her best behavior then something snaps inside of her and she will become rageful, jealous, depressed, paranoid, etc. I remember how scary and glazed over her eyes would get when she lapsed into one of her 'episodes'.

I'm very sorry for what you're dealing with WMB. There's basically nothing more you can do except stop enabling her. Your DH needs to get on board with you because he's only helping her self destruct. BPDs can improve with therapy but it can also backfire as well. Depends where your DD is on the BPD spectrum. They can behave a lot like NPDs but unlike NPDs, they have limited empathy. So there is always hope for your DD but she would have to be willing to get help which she doesn't seem to want atm.

I wish I could say or do something that would make things better. I can't even imagine how difficult it has been for you and your family. Prayers and blessings your way. I hope somehow, things get better for all of you *big hug*
'As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to ruin it for me'
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Re: Breaks my heart

Postby rubycrownedkinglet » Sun Feb 12, 2017 10:56 am

Borderline PD is definitely one of the worst. I'm so sorry you and your family are having to deal with it. One of the things that is so hard is that the person suffering with it presents as a poor lost soul and a raving, angry bloodsucker. She is both. As hard as it is to discuss it and decide, you and your DH have to admit that the era of leaving her alone to decide her own fate is not working-for her or you. To get on the same page, as a family you have to choose, when dealing with DD, is she a spoiled brat or is she ill, in need of help?

If she is a spoiled brat she needs to respond to an ultimatum or face being cut off financially. It's clear she has gotten way too many chances and needs a time frame to move back into her condo and stop the financial bleeding. Give her a firm date when the money will end, then end it. Let her be evicted if necessary. Don't worry about her credit rating, she will do better if she can't charge up large bills. Her disability pay should be enough to get by in her condo, with the downside: She will be back with you in your town and the drama will be on your doorstep. Maybe that's why your DH really hesitates to make this happen.

If she is ill, then it is not her fault, but regular psychiatric treatment is necessary as a condition of any dollar that she gets from you. I'm not sure if you can have her declared incompetent, probably not, but you can threaten her with it. Treatment is not necessarily going to help, but there are some meds that can help the anxiety or depression that almost always accompanies BPD. I don't want to be the one that says it, but being in a treatment facility for a while may be the best way to have her get some control over her disorder and many people with advanced BPD sometimes end up there after a huge event that involves law enforcement or social services.

If you control the purse strings you control the decisions. Laying out a plan for her (like bsfighter suggests) and sticking with it is the only way things will change. She will not change. Her effect on your finances can change. Is the condo in her name or yours? If the handwriting is on the wall that she will not come home, sell it and attempt to find something for the same money near where she is now. If it's as far west as CA maybe that's not possible, (and OMG she isn't a candidate for a roommate). If you don't think you can sell it, check with the condo board, and maybe arrange to lease it out and let her live on that money. That may be as self-sufficient as she can be.
(((hugs)))
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Re: Breaks my heart

Postby mamarama » Fri Feb 17, 2017 10:48 am

I'm so sorry. My heart breaks for you. and for her. It's torture to sit back and watch your child self-destruct, knowing there's not a darn thing you can do about it. Well, the only thing you can do is pray for her. Hugs to you xoxo

BUT you do not have to enable her behavior. She has a place to live, she just chooses not to live there. Oh well, we are all responsible for our decisions. If she can run around and go to concerts, etc., she is capable of working, but chooses not to. She has a place to live, but chooses not to live there. She squanders her money on what she wants rather than what she needs. She is very immature, but it's not your fault. I repeat, not your fault. You have done the best job you could do in raising her. At a point in everyone's life, the parents stop being responsible for the poor decisions and behavior of their adult children because of free will to choose our own paths.

I know it's heartbreaking, and infuriating. Before I CO my parents, I watched them fall into despair over my brother's alcoholism. But they enable him too though. They enable him because they are afraid of what will happen to him if they kick him out of the house. STill painful to see.
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