Feeling used and alone

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Feeling used and alone

Postby jigglypuff » Thu Aug 10, 2017 10:24 pm

I have come to the realization that all I ever seem to be for people is a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on but when I'm down, no one is available to comfort me (with the exception of DB and some internet friends).

For example, just recently my CIL called me. I haven't spoken to her in months and I was happy to receive her call only to find out she called me to vent about her H (my cousin), and their on and off again relationship. I have been going through a lot these past couple of months but she wouldn't know since the conversation is all about her and her problems. She even admitted that she only called to vent because I'm the one person she trusts and can talk to. Now I appreciate that she is comfortable enough to talk to me about what she's going through but it hurt that she would only call when she needs to complain and not to bond with me.

I have countless stories like this. This has been happening to me since I became a young adult. I only hear from people when they need something. I'm always treated like their personal Dr. Phil yet they never bother to make an effort to spend time with me or hear me out because they're too busy yammering about themselves.

DH isn't much help either. He isn't the talkative type and when I come to him about any personal issues I'm having, I feel like he isn't really hearing what I'm saying and looks right through me. He just sits and stares blankly without peeping a word. He rarely responds but if he does it's usually with a disparaging response that leaves me feeling unheard and dismissed.

I've come to the realization that I really don't have anyone other than my DB by my side. I am forgotten unless someone needs something from me. I've felt used and left behind by everyone I know and I only seem to meet more of the same. Maybe I am doing something wrong or putting some vibe out in the universe but I feel like I am doing my best to be a good friend to others. I want to hear them out and help them but it seems doing so only makes them take advantage. I'm pretty sure if I stopped, I would become a faded memory since I believe none of them give a damn about me.
'As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to ruin it for me'
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Re: Feeling used and alone

Postby Hiddenjem » Fri Aug 11, 2017 10:38 am

(((((Hugs)))))

I can relate.

I also suspect that my natural and nurturing way of treating others as I would want to be treated sets me up to be...

-used as a sounding board

-some people categorize someone giving of their time and love to be less valued (seems to be so in the Midwest/North) They seem to equate this with "you had it coming being nice/ kind -equals weak."

What is the solution? Maybe create the value and define the expectations that you expect for you.

I have like you have done given and felt used/ even taken for granted as well. People can be so selfish.

My new tactic is hold back and do the opposite of what comes naturally. I even say hi to less people now (read body language first) verses everyone like I did in the south.

Regarding being a good listener and helping people

I suspect boundaries need to be set up. I now tell people what I need from them.

I am willing to drive my unlicensed driver teen sons to work and pick them up. They have to respect my time and let me know if they are working late. On days they don't work, I may or may not drive anyone anywhere unless it is a emergency. I need days off. They can ask but need to respect that I need days to not be driving.

Regarding the "old friend" from home and I recently connected when I went back there to visit. She is still a taker and I am a giver but now I realize it. I give less and she and others like her can step it up to be the friend that I deserve or just be a superficial person that I may speak to or text every so often.

Jiggy, you are a good and giving person.

Maybe pull back and not be there for the takers. They want you to drop everything and be their sounding board? Hold their hand? Maybe you are busy. If they ask why, tell them what you need from them. If they can't step up and be there for you, charge a fee for your listening / friendship service! Remember Lucy from Peanuts? :D

Seriously, they want to vent? Maybe you want to take a long walk. They can join you and talk then.

Personally, I can't thank you enough for your friendship and wisdom. I aspire to remind you of this often. I am sorry that you are being unappreciated and used by people. (((Hugs))))

I have seen you give countless people good advice and feedback on this board. I want you to know that you are not taken for granted here!
"I have learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did. But people will never forget how you made them feel." Maya Angelou
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Re: Feeling used and alone

Postby IrishLass » Fri Aug 11, 2017 2:26 pm

I finally met a "best friend" about 12 yrs ago. We both listen to each other and help each other out as much as possible. However I used to say I needed to stamp my forehead with "counseling unavailable today". I met my "Bestie" in a crochet class. It seems nowadays though, most people just take and take. I'm so sorry Jiggy and HJ that you are both being taken advantage of. I hope that you find great friends soon.
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Re: Feeling used and alone

Postby foxmanb » Fri Aug 11, 2017 3:36 pm

:(. Know exactly how you feel. DW and I refer to them as emotional vampires. They come, dump their problems on you, suck the life out of you, and leave. When you have a problem, they are nowhere to be found.
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Re: Feeling used and alone

Postby jigglypuff » Tue Aug 15, 2017 11:50 pm

I'm sorry you guys have found yourself in these one sided friendships. It's a terrible feeling.

I probably shouldn't offer so much of myself to people but that's what I believe a true friend should be. It's hard to have to force yourself to be different and resist sharing yourself freely.
I have become more reserved and untrusting which doesn't help in meeting new people. I can't seem to find anyone who isn't either two-faced, an emotional leech, or disloyal. The good people of this world seem to be so few. It's so discouraging.

Thank you for the kind words Jem, they mean a lot to me *hug*
'As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to ruin it for me'
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Re: Feeling used and alone

Postby Hiddenjem » Wed Aug 16, 2017 3:56 am

Unfortunally Jiggy, I can understand how you feel.

The motto, "Trear others how I would wand to be treated," doesn't work for me living here.

We should not have to put a wall of protection around our hearts to avoid getting taken advantage of in the name of "friendship."

I care
"I have learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did. But people will never forget how you made them feel." Maya Angelou
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Re: Feeling used and alone

Postby Bella07 » Tue Aug 29, 2017 2:00 pm

Sadly, in life I've found that when it comes down to it, few people are really there when you need them. It sucks. Feeling alone is sad and being used is angering. You have us though.

Take care. ❤️
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Re: Feeling used and alone

Postby bsfighter1 » Sun Sep 03, 2017 9:29 am

Jiggy my heart goes out to you. Like you I am always the listener and the shoulder to cry on but when it comes to remembering I exist for the 'real friend gatherings, etc' or just even being decent enough for 'friends' to follow through with an invitation and come over for dinner after I put all the mental and physical energy in, they disappoint, are completely selfish and inconsiderate and are nowhere to be found. It always seems like something 'better' always comes up or they are mysteriously ill the day of the get together. I've dropped the rope on quite a few 'friendships' just because of people's chronic lack of consideration, rudeness and games. The famous excuse these days besides 'I'm sick'is that 'I'm depressed.' I know what depression feels like and there is a difference between feeling hopeless and sad, and just being selfish and rude. Besides, almost everyone could claim depression and hopelessness of some sort with the state of the world today.

My nature is to listen (to a point) and I can't change that. I'll never be the party girl friend, or the friend that is most popular and who everyone wants to be like. I've accepted it and not sure if I would even want that type of popularity anyway. I do believe in boundaries though and draw a very clear line when people whom I've considered friends start ducking me around and/or just become callous and unnecessarily rude.

I'm lucky to have a small family of individuals who care and my sister is my best friend. I do have a tendency to vent all my problems on them though after years of just giving an ear to inconsequential people, so I'm trying to work on balancing that out, lol, :)

Honestly these days when it comes to other folks I don't invest my heart much anymore or put tons of effort in. I've been burned too many times. I just go with the flow and if it happens it happens. I also stopped cooking dinnners for people a while ago aside from my family. If something does happen to end up at our place (rarely happens) I just do the least amount of work necessary. May sound cynical but I look at it as self preservation.
"I've learned that with narcs, absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder, it makes the heart grow free."
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