Feeling so down and stuck :(

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Feeling so down and stuck :(

Postby Mara » Sat Jul 15, 2017 1:30 pm

I don't even know what to share, but I am feeling so depressed with my situation. I feel stuck. I don't like where I am, but I am fearful of change. I feel like I am barely surviving and I dont think I could survive any further heartache, frustration, difficulty...

I live in a claustrophobic cave, but I don't have the finances to live anywhere else.

I have no income and no job prospects.

H is still in his manic episode, also uncooperative and abusive. I want our family to be whole again but am mourning that that may never happen.

Dealing with the legalistic Christian person who doesn't understand what I've been through and am still going through and is heaping on the guilt of why can't I make this marriage work? Am I not praying hard enough? Is my faith too weak?

I've given H a year to get his act together and that hasn't happened (and his illness has already stolen and destroyed most of the last 8 years). I need to start living again, at least for the sake of my children. They deserve better than this.
Mara
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Re: Feeling so down and stuck :(

Postby Hiddenjem » Sat Jul 15, 2017 6:39 pm

Mara,

I agree that you and your children deserve better than your current temporary reality. It will get better.

I care. I know that I am a faceless stranger on a forum but you are in my thoughts. Remember you have many people here thinking positive thoughts on your situation and supporting you.

Can I worry for you this evening so that you can have a break?

I know it will take time but eventually all the issues that seem over welming will be a mere memory. It will happen.
"I have learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did. But people will never forget how you made them feel." Maya Angelou
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Re: Feeling so down and stuck :(

Postby Melody » Sat Jul 15, 2017 10:06 pm

I agree with what Hiddengem said. You're situation sucks right now, no doubt, but it WILL get better. Don't know if you know my backstory, but I was left with a two year old and new born, finances sucked big time for a while but its been all uphill since then. (Upgrade to a younger, cuter and way better man - my second husband).

My situation was different than yours but I had no family to fall back on. So fall back on your friends. Get out when you can - if its possible to do a ladies night at a friend's house, or storytime at the library. Libraries can be so awesome to connect with other moms and a few dads and the programs are free! Take advantage of your local parks - the kids love it. I met a very close friend while doing this. Her husband traveled and so we started alternating dinner at each other's houses every week. (We'd take care of everything including a craft for the kids so that the other had a break - WONDERFUL!) - still very close almost 17 years late. (Unfortunately now she's going through a divorce - and her soon to be ex definitely suffers from mental illness). But her spirits are pretty good and she's happy to move on.

Regarding employment, do what your attorney advises you to do. Keep YOUR credit rating up (I know your DH's probably sucks). Its OK to run up some debt now. You'll find suitable employment eventually. Really. Consider filing your own tax return (you won't owe anything), but if DH isn't living with you, you may even qualify for Earned Income Credit. And consider filing an "innocent spouse" form so you are held harmless for reckless behavior you have no control over.

In the meantime, enjoy this time with your children. You know they need you. And time goes fast, and it gets easier. And the kids will know how strong you are.
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Re: Feeling so down and stuck :(

Postby jigglypuff » Sun Jul 16, 2017 1:18 am

I'm sorry you are going through such a difficult time Mara but I believe this is a hurdle you will eventually climb over. One day you will come back to this forum and tell us how happy you are and how well you are doing. It's happened to several members here so far. Please don't feel that you are alone.

Dealing with the legalistic Christian person who doesn't understand what I've been through and am still going through and is heaping on the guilt of why can't I make this marriage work? Am I not praying hard enough? Is my faith too weak?


I think you're being way too harsh on yourself. One person cannot carry a marriage. A marriage consists of two people who push through together. Your H is unable to do this because he is mentally unwell. So now you are basically left with no spouse. Why are you being so unfair to yourself and placing the responsibility of a marriage on your own shoulders? You can't change your H's mental illness. You can't change his actions so how are you able to have a marriage with only yourself? You can't. You didn't choose this and neither did your H. It's no one's fault that he's sick and it's not your fault that because of this your marriage isn't working. You need to stop blaming yourself for something that you can't control.

This has nothing to do with your faith or prayers either. Remind yourself of the stories in the Bible. How many of God's people cried and suffered, not even realizing that God was with them the entire time? They didn't lack faith, their faith only grew in adversity. Of course it didn't seem that way at the time of their troubles only until after they overcame those obstacles.

I've gone through hard times where my faith was tested and I will never doubt myself again. After those storm clouds cleared, I was able to think back and see how God sustained me through it all and I didn't even realize it. Maybe you're here talking to us for a reason Mara.

I need to start living again, at least for the sake of my children. They deserve better than this.


Yes they certainly do and so do you. The others have given you good advice. From here out, I think you should begin focusing on ways that will improve the lives of you and your children.
First would be to find employment and then you can take it from there. Take baby steps, one goal at a time. Don't overthink it and just work on slowly building a life for yourself and your kids. If you keep this negative thinking in your head and keep beating down on yourself, the harder it's going to be for you. The world is hard enough as is, there's no point in being your own enemy. You need to be kinder to yourself.

I hope you find some encouragement here. We are always here to help support you.
'As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to ruin it for me'
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Re: Feeling so down and stuck :(

Postby IrishLass » Sun Jul 16, 2017 12:34 pm

Been there Mara. You would really benefit from some sort of counseling at your local woman's shelter. It is free and to be honest you have and are being emotionally and probably verbally abused. The "could've, should've and what ifs" questions will linger in your mind for a bit, it is hard to let a "dream" go, but sometimes certain dreams just do not work. You seem like a great Mom and have a great head on your shoulders, but even the strongest of women get muscle aches and spasms where they just need someone else to verify that they are doing the right thing. As for your wee tiny home, it is yours you have a roof over your head and no one can take that accomplishment from you. You should ask your lawyer about selling you home that is unlived in. The longer a house sits vacant the worse for the house. I hope you feel better soon.
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Re: Feeling so down and stuck :(

Postby bsfighter1 » Sat Jul 22, 2017 7:53 am

Dealing with the legalistic Christian person who doesn't understand what I've been through and am still going through and is heaping on the guilt of why can't I make this marriage work? Am I not praying hard enough? Is my faith too weak?


Sorry but this right here is disturbing and if your Christian lawyer is pressuring you to get back together with your husband then they are NOT doing their job quite frankly! You didn't go to them for marital counselling, but I'm assuming you went to them for SOUND legal advice in order to benefit yourself and your children in this mess. If a so-called lawyer is pressuring you to get back with your abuser and bringing religion into it, I would seriously consider seeking other legal representation, because essentially you can't trust this lawyer anymore that they will be giving you fair legal representation and completely on your side if you have them representing you in family court. As a result, you may not get all your entitled to as the wife and mother of your husband's children if you were to divorce.

Imo there is nothing wrong with a lawyer asking you if you've tried marital counselling, or tried working it out just so that they are confident that you are serious about proceeding with a case, but when they start to pressure you to reconcile with an abuser and his family that is a HUGE red flag. You're not the one who should be praying, it should be the lawyer praying for forgiveness in essentially enabling the evils of abuse, and hiding behind religion to justify it. Be very careful who you trust in terms of legal respresentation is my only advice to you. It would be sad for you and your kids if you got the short end of the stick because of a bias lawyer. :?
"I've learned that with narcs, absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder, it makes the heart grow free."
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Re: Feeling so down and stuck :(

Postby bsfighter1 » Sat Jul 22, 2017 8:04 am

Hey, I just thought now, when you said legalistic if you were talking about a lawyer or just some random person? Sorry confused. If it's the latter, I would stop talking to such an individual about this, even if it's a pastor. Just that the individual will not see other perspectives on this and just going by the book, even if it's putting you and you kids in physical and emotional danger speaks volumes. Oh, and the thing I said about how the lawyer should be praying for forgiveness in enabling abuse, yeah, same advice for this legalistic individual, whoever they are.
"I've learned that with narcs, absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder, it makes the heart grow free."
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Re: Feeling so down and stuck :(

Postby Mara » Wed Jul 26, 2017 1:23 am

bsfighter1 -
When I said "legalistic Christian" I was not referring to a lawyer but to a Christian person who "strictly adheres to moral laws, especially to the letter of the law rather than the spirit of it." =) So I mean a family member who has an extreme view that "divorce is never right, it is always a sin." This person thinks that you need faith that God will heal and change an abusive spouse. The problem is not recognizing that Christians also believe God gives everyone free will, and if a spouse is not willing to change, there is nothing that can be done to save the marriage. This person means well, but it has been very hurtful when, like you say, they are enabling abuse and heaping guilt on me for wanting to protect myself and my children from it.

IrishLass -
Yes, I really need to find a good counselor. I had an amazing counselor before I moved to my parents house, but there are very little resources where we live, and the counselor I tried here wasn't worth the time or money unfortunately. Thank you for the encouragement, I appreciate it.

Jigglypuff -
Thank you for your sympathy and I would love to be able to share some happy news with everyone down the road =) I completely agree with what you said about marriage. It is hard to know what H is capable of due to his mental illness, but I have learned that everyone needs to be responsible for their actions. Being mentally ill is not a justification for being abusive. I used to believe that the mental illness caused the abusive behavior, but I've learned it was always there. The difference is, it is more subtle and easier to excuse when he is well, but it is exacerbated by his mental illness.

One of the things that brings me guilt is feeling I made a promise that I'd be there "in sickness and in health." But the thing I need to remind myself is I did not leave him because of his sickness, I left him because of his abuse.

I have definitely had doubts in my faith through this. But today I honestly felt peace. Even after realizing all our money was gone, I was okay with it because I know that life is more than money, and I believe that God will provide for my family's needs. The last time H was in an episode, we were running out of money and I was praying about starting to job hunt and an amazing job opportunity fell right in my lap!

I appreciate being able to vent to this group because I honestly don't have anyone in real life to talk to, and the depression makes it so much worse. I've opened up to various people over the past year, and the sting of rejection has been rough (like when more than one person has texted me how I'm doing, and I tell them honestly and then they NEVER respond. Or when I tried to make plans with DD's friend's mom recently and she kept coming up with excuses until I just dropped it).

Melody -
I'm glad that things have worked out better for you =) I don't think I know much about your backstory, but it does sound similar to mine and it is very difficult. That sounds so neat with the alternating dinners with a friend! It is difficult because there are not many young families where I live now. In this area, anyone who can leaves when they get old enough. Makes it even more difficult to build relationships, but I can think of a couple moms I can try to get to know better. I do need to start doing more for myself. I NEED to make a hair appointment. I haven't got it cut for a year and a half. It is long and thick and hot and I can't stand it. I would honestly love to shave it all off, but I'd be concerned about 1) looking strange and 2) everyone thinking I had a nervous breakdown.

H and I both have (or should I say had) stellar credit scores. I've tried so hard to protect H's credit rating, but I'm sure it is going to tank now. He has his own credit card(s) which are probably maxed and he has no access to money anymore. I have never heard of an "innocent spouse" form, but that is definitely good to know about!

Yes I need to enjoy this time with my children! I need to get my depression under control so I can start doing fun things with them. There are so many things I had wanted to do (visit children's museums, zoos, etc), but I just haven't had the energy or desire. =(

Hiddenjem -
Thank you =) I can't express how much it means to me to know that I have you "faceless strangers" to read what I'm going through and care enough to take the time to respond.
Mara
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