Issues with H: in-law forum or non-in-law forum???

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Issues with H: in-law forum or non-in-law forum???

Postby Mara » Mon Jul 03, 2017 4:01 pm

Help! I never know what forum to post to when I am writing about H. Issues with H are very connected with IL issues, but still don't know where to post when the focus is H.

I am seriously considering the legal separation path, but I am scared by the fear of the unknown. I am surviving our situation as is, but feel like the kids' and my life are stuck on hold and so dependent and affected by the choices this man makes. Legal separation allows me to be free of him and trying to fix his messes (since they don't just affect him, but our entire family). If we go to a legal separation, I think he will lose his job for good and all sources of income. Which will affect the kids and I, but he will have his enabling mom to bail him out and finance him. Even if he doesn't lose is job or benefits, I feel like getting child support from him will be a problem. I am most terrified of him getting more legal rights as a parent than I already allow him (he sees them a few hours a month, if he shows up, supervised at my parents home) and of my kids being exposed to the abusive PILs (they haven't seen them for a year now).

I am still walking on eggshells. I hate that I have to keep the peace out of fear of retaliation or revenge.

I am so angry because he is being an abusive jerk again ("fucking bitch I will divorce you in a heartbeat") except when he calls and professes his love for me ("I love you so much, will you come over so we can have sex?") ugh. I feel so done with h him. Can never trust him or feel safe with him again. Main thing holding me back is legalistic Christian view against divorce and feelings of guilt related to that (some christians telling me I have biblical grounds for divorce, others telling me (paraphrased) "God and I will love you even if you do what is wrong and divorce."
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Re: Issues with H: in-law forum or non-in-law forum???

Postby jigglypuff » Wed Jul 05, 2017 3:25 am

You posted in the right place.

I think you should talk to a lawyer and weigh your options from there first. The lawyer can walk you through things and let you know more or less how the court will decide. It's always a gamble but if you document proof on how abusive your H can be, I doubt the courts will allow him extra time with the kids. He might end up with supervised visitation.

Main thing holding me back is legalistic Christian view against divorce and feelings of guilt related to that (some christians telling me I have biblical grounds for divorce, others telling me (paraphrased) "God and I will love you even if you do what is wrong and divorce."


That's a tough one but I think that is something you need to look up on your own. Keep in mind that we are all flawed human beings and we can easily misinterpret scripture. The Bible is available for good reason. It is a guide and a way of communication between us and God.

Now if you want to get into scripture, from my understanding of what I've read, the Bible does say divorce is allowed under certain circumstances. One being fornication. Another reason is if your spouse has left you no other choice. Basically, if you are not the one who ruined the marriage but your spouse did. You tried when he either didn't, or simply couldn't. So you are not at fault since we can't predict our spouse's personal choices. Now again, this is my personal understanding of the scriptures. Others may disagree.

Your answers may come in prayer. God answers in very unusual ways. He also talks to us through our spirit so what does your gut tell you? Listen to it because it will never steer you wrong.

Religion aside, I personally think it would be wise of you to file for legal separation for a number of reasons. Your H is not going to improve. He is only going to worsen with age and I think you're going to have to file at some point. Best to spare yourself the years of misery and do it now.

Wishing you the best on whatever you decide.
'As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to ruin it for me'
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Re: Issues with H: in-law forum or non-in-law forum???

Postby bsfighter1 » Wed Jul 05, 2017 7:59 am

I think it's a fowl sin when Christians guilt people into staying married in abusive situations imo. I'm Christian but too many times I've seen religious rhetoric being used to enable evil in the guise of 'love.' Just had to say it.
"I've learned that with narcs, absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder, it makes the heart grow free."
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Re: Issues with H: in-law forum or non-in-law forum???

Postby Hiddenjem » Wed Jul 05, 2017 8:51 am

I agree with Jiggy and Bsfighter.

We know you are a good person and you will make the right decisions for you and your children.
"I have learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did. But people will never forget how you made them feel." Maya Angelou
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Re: Issues with H: in-law forum or non-in-law forum???

Postby Mara » Sat Jul 08, 2017 3:21 pm

Thank you Hiddenjem:)

Bsfighter1 - I agree related to the people who may or may not be Christian. I allowed H to be so controlling of me because I though that's what I was supposed to do as a submissive Christian wife. Plus he would skew scripture to manipulate me. Sometimes I would be able to recogniz "no this isn't right" but when you are told lies so often it makes you question what is true. Years ago, we went to a church. He destroyed his relationship with everyone and wanted to go to a new church. We went to the new church a few months, then he destroyed some of those relationships. He again wanted to go to a new church and COMMANDED me that I could not maintain my friendships from the previous churches because that would be "adultery against our current church." His most common and manipulative comment is "you dont respect me."

Jigglypuff - I just got the number for a contact for sliding scale legal aid. I don't know what the wait will be, but I'm anxious to speak to them.

Just as you suggested, I recently spoke to my counselor about not worrying about other people's opinions (which are numerous and contradictory); "this decision is between me and God." My "gut" says legal separation. It leaves the hope of reconciliation (if H does what is necessary to get healthy and change abusive behavior), but helps the kids and I move on and begin living again and transfer more of the responsibility and consequences of his actions from me to him.
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Re: Issues with H: in-law forum or non-in-law forum???

Postby Mara » Mon Jul 10, 2017 7:56 pm

I called the law office and the woman on the phone told me they don't do legal separations, only divorce. I should have asked why (because I don't understand), but it was completely unexpected and she spoke so harsh and coldly that it was such a big feeling of rejection I suppose. I have information for two other offices, but I didn't have the strength to make any other call after that :(
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Re: Issues with H: in-law forum or non-in-law forum???

Postby Hiddenjem » Mon Jul 10, 2017 10:04 pm

I hate that you were treated like that Mara! It was a big step for you to make that call!

I would be upset in your place as well! She was rude to you and you are doing the best you can! I am proud of you.
"I have learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did. But people will never forget how you made them feel." Maya Angelou
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Re: Issues with H: in-law forum or non-in-law forum???

Postby Melody » Tue Jul 11, 2017 8:44 am

Don't be too upset Mara. This woman was probably just the secretary and might not even know. But better she was a bitch up front - you wouldn't want to speak with her every time you called the office, and she would be the one who mailed you things or took or made faxes. Good riddance.
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