Taking Step 1

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Taking Step 1

Postby WatchingMyBack » Wed Mar 08, 2017 1:09 pm

Well, things with DH seemed to have been on a reasonable keel for a while, with the occasional MIL-like narc episodes that I could overlook. Now we've seemed to have hit a big bump in the road and I've taken step 1 and gotten the name and number of a good divorce attorney.

As I've posted before, DH has a weird and inappropriate emotional relationship with another man that lives in another country (a client ). This goes beyond their just being friends and it has a very creepy undertone (this is the guy that is about 5' tall, 100 lbs and has expressed his transgender tendencies to our employees during a visit (he's been here 3 times, staying at our house for weeks at a time).

DH and this guy Skype most every day, several times a day discussing one hair brained business scheme after another. They all seem to blow up with DH dumping lots of time and money into something that doesn't pan out, and Friend disappears for weeks, not responding to DH's pleas for help to resolve problems or even acknowledge contact.

Yet the minute Friend gets in touch with DH, they're right back at it with another new scheme.

The breaking point for me (and there have been so many times I have been right up to the line) came Monday. A milestone birthday for DH is Friday. He is NOT happy about it and has been particularly nasty with comments about how we married too young (23) and had our kids too young and what burden it all has been.

Over the years, anytime that any of the DC (especially ODS) or I have given DH a birthday gift, he expresses his displeasure and makes us RETURN it by refusing to accept it. He stopped giving me cards for any occasion years ago because they're a "waste of money".

Now, every year Friend sends DH a gift. DH keeps the gift.

On Monday DH received a box with HEARTS and WITH LOVE all over it. Inside is a coffee mug that says "I'm So Lonely Without You". This is a gift to him from Friend.

I tell him that this is so wildly inappropriate and what exactly does Friend think the nature of their relationship is? DH's response is "I didn't ask for this." Odd response. I told him I hope he plans to return it (Amazon), which he says he is. When I asked him if Friend believes they have a romantic relationship, he replies "I don't know what he thinks". (wrong answer #2, in my opinion)

He takes the box to our office, but doesn't bring it inside. Yesterday morning, I see the coffee mug sitting on a shelf near our break room. I pick it up, show it to DH and ask "I thought you were going to return this?" Well, let me tell you, he was trembling with RAGE that I asked him this question and he grabs the mug and starts shaking it in the air and shouts "I'll show you what I'll do with this JUST SO YOU'LL STOP ABOUT IT." And dramatically throws it into the trash can near his desk. All of this in front of several of our employees, who are standing there dumbfounded.

I am beyond appalled at his behavior and I feel that CLEARLY that relationship with Friend is MORE important to him than his relationship with me. Am I wrong?

So the rest of the day, I pretty much had nothing to say to him other than to answer a direct question about something work related.

Two other Red Flags as well:

A vendor was in the other day and said her husband was cheating on her and she asked DH if he knew a good divorce attorney. DH said he got the name from a guy with a "real shark" attorney that "screwed his wife over big time", even though he was the one cheating. I asked DH who that attorney was and I'm telling you, if you could have seen the deer in the headlights look on his face. His answer? "I don't remember." Obviously, he wants to keep that name for his own use.

The other flag is we had an appointment with an accountant yesterday because DH isn't happy with the account that we've had for the last 25 years (a recurring theme that he isn't happy with ANYBODY he has known for a long time). I'm not sure why I was even there, as it was all related to DH and the offer he has from someone to buy his business. At the end of meeting, DH says "Oh, I have something I'd like to speak to you about that doesn't concern my wife and I'd rather she leave the room "for her protection". :shock: WTF? They spoke maybe another 15 minutes.

I pretty much haven't had anything to say to him since then. Made dinner last night, ate in silence. Went to bed early and was surprised he slept in the same room (very careful to stay on HIS side of bed with his back to me, which is his typical passive aggressive way.)

ODS and YDS are coming in this weekend for DH's birthday (again, I've heard nothing but complaints about that). I'm looking forward to seeing them and GS. Come Monday morning, I think I need to make an appointment with this attorney (a friend of mine had her own "bull dog" divorce attorney because of a cheating husband and she gave me his name and number this morning). She said I should get in to seem him right away just so that if this is the same person DH has the name of, he won't be able to work with him if he has already consulted with me.

Ugh, makes me sick the whole thing. New house being built, two upcoming international trips. what a mess.
“Make no judgments where you have no compassion.”
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Re: Taking Step 1

Postby blue iris » Wed Mar 08, 2017 1:26 pm

WMB, I am so sorry it has come to this, but I think you should trust your instincts on this. While reading your post, all I saw was red flags.

My only advice would be, don't wait until next Monday to call that lawyer's office for an appointment. Call today, in case Monday will be too late to get in first, if indeed it is the same lawyer's name your H has. You can always cancel, but probably should at least see this lawyer for a consultation ASAP. I wish you good luck and peace of mind.
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Re: Taking Step 1

Postby mamarama » Wed Mar 08, 2017 2:13 pm

WMB, I agree with blue iris. He has told you to your face that he regrets marrying you when he did, and he has called you and the children a burden. He obviously resents you for it. He has been husband in name only for a while now. And it's not just because he hasn't given you cards. He is emotionally unavailable to you, and seems to be more than eager to spend whatever free time he has with Friend. It is clear that he is having an emotional affair with that man, if not a physical one. The hearts mug? Who the hell does that?!?

Call that attorney today. Do not hesitate. Why would your H know of a good divorce lawyer unless he had looked into it? That's not something that everybody just keeps in their rolodex like a plumber or electrician. I wouldn't be surprised if H is hiding assets from you too.

I would also suggest you get tested for STDs. You don't know whether or not your H has a sexual relationship with that guy, and who knows where that guy has been. Really, your husband for that matter. If he's willing to cheat on you with one person, why not with others too?

I'm so sorry you're going through this. You and your kids don't deserve this, and there is no indication that your H is willing to work things out. You can't counsel away resentment.
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Re: Taking Step 1

Postby jigglypuff » Wed Mar 08, 2017 3:02 pm

Woah, I can't believe how he's behaving. I'm so sorry you're dealing with all of that mess.

I honestly believe he is preparing himself to leave you before you leave him. He's slowly but surely getting things organized. The relationship between him and this "friend" is really bizarre. That is not a normal man to man friendship, no way. That love mug was over the top and so are his responses.

I agree with the others. Call the lawyer asap because your H is stirring something up. Don't allow for him to surprise you with anything first. Get everything you can in order and spring it up on him before he gets the chance to. The way he spoke about that lawyer, he's out for blood. Tread cautiously and record him whenever you get into conversations. Maybe he'll trip up and you can use it in court against him.

We're all here for you WMB *big hug*
'As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to ruin it for me'
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Re: Taking Step 1

Postby Hiddenjem » Wed Mar 08, 2017 9:28 pm

I had chills reading all the vivid red flags! Then, I reread your post! Oh my goodness!

You deserve better than this and he deserves to get taken for everything.

Everyone has given really good advice.

I agree with everyone.

((((((Big hugs)))))) You can do what needs to be done. It sucks right now but it is going to be okay.

Please keep us posted on how you are doing and what step you are on.

I know that you will look back on this and know that you made your grandson proud of you for doing what needed to be done. You can do it!
"I have learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did. But people will never forget how you made them feel." Maya Angelou
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Re: Taking Step 1

Postby WatchingMyBack » Thu Mar 09, 2017 9:17 am

First available appointment the attorney has is mid-April. I've booked it.

DH is still very angry. I only speak if spoken to or if I have a work related question. He sat on his computer after dinner and I read a book. Around the time we normally go to bed, he came and sat on the sofa where I was reading, but far away from where I was sitting, so he could watch TV. I finished the chapter I was reading and went to get ready for bed. I turned the TV on in the bedroom. About 45 minutes later he comes in, gets ready for bed, turns his back to me and that's it. No good night. He gets up at 4:00 (so he can get on his computer and message with his Friend is my guess). I'm up at 6 and do my regular stuff getting breakfast ready and the dogs' food ready. He walks past me all hunched over and miserable looking, doesn't say a word.

I know he is waiting for me to break down, because that is historically the pattern. He would do something inappropriate, I'd get angry and call him out on it, then he'd get angry, indignant, and then gaslight and stonewall me until I couldn't take the emotional blackmail anymore (usually because I could see it was affecting the kids). Everything would be glossed over.

But the kids are grown and gone, and I am so emotionally spent, that I honestly wish he'd just move on, move out, or whatever it is he is planning. I think he is really pinning his hopes on whatever his and Friend's latest scheme is to be his next life phase, but because of the unknowns, he doesn't want to close the door on what he already has even though he is bored with it. I know he also worries that his illness might relapse, because the old symptoms crop up every once in a while. Maybe subconsciously he is reconsidering cutting off his nose to spite his face, because NOBODY was there for him but me when he was sick before.

Anyway, I'm grateful for the shoulders to lean on here and the hugs. They do mean a lot to me, as I don't share with my family or in person friends. They'd just turn it into gossip fodder.
“Make no judgments where you have no compassion.”
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Re: Taking Step 1

Postby Melody » Thu Mar 09, 2017 10:39 am

Oh no, so sorry WMB! ((Hugs!!)) Been there, done that and those are red flags. And he's put you through SOOO much crap over the years. I hope you booked a shark as well.

I have two girlfriends (both long term marriages) going through this now. So many men are so incredibly stupid. You WILL be fine in the long run. He'll end up being the Ahole old man in the bar trying to pick up young women. You'll laugh again soon enough.

In the meantime, make SURE you understand ALL your financial information - and if you don't ask a knowledgeable friend to help you with it. Start your OWN bank account, check your credit score (which could end up being your most valuable asset in the short run). In short, protect yourself and by all means vent away!
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Re: Taking Step 1

Postby WatchingMyBack » Thu Mar 09, 2017 1:21 pm

Thanks, Melody.

Ironically, I handle ALL of our financial stuff. His, mine and joint. I'm the only with usernames and passwords, and everything is online. I also do all of the accounting for the business as well. Same thing. I'm the only one with online access. I know when the taxes are due. I process the payroll. I have loads of credit in my name alone built on the cards we use for our business. I never had much growing up and never developed a need to buy stuff. I'm frugal and would have no problem living within my means (meaning, getting a new job when I move to a new state later this year).

The main thing with the attorney is finding out if the assets that are in my name only are truly mine and mine alone. If that's the case, no matter what shark he may have ready to pounce, I won't break a sweat. If I can keep what is already mine, that's good enough. The problem with DH is that, like :evil: BIL, he will want to "punish" me and the way his family does that is by trying to create financial ruin.

I know that he personally won't want to move to the new house that's being built near ODS, so that would work in my favor. I was looking around my current house last night and there are really only 3 pieces of furniture that I'd really like to keep for myself, but even then, if I had to let them go I would. I'm not sentimental about it.
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Re: Taking Step 1

Postby Bella07 » Thu Mar 09, 2017 1:58 pm

(((Hugs))) WMB.

Those are a lot of red flags waving. Sounds like you're doing the right things. Good luck and please keep us posted.
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Re: Taking Step 1

Postby blue iris » Thu Mar 09, 2017 6:28 pm

The only other red flag that still concerns me some, was the meeting with the accountant where H wanted you out of the room for some minutes after the regular business was discussed. Maybe something to do with Friend? But I'm just guessing here. Still, I'm glad you made an appointment with the lawyer.

(((Hugs))) to you, WMB.
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Re: Taking Step 1

Postby Melody » Fri Mar 10, 2017 9:57 am

WMB I am THRILLED to hear this! Awesome!! You are WAY ahead of the curve! Might I suggest you go through EVERY credit card statement with a magnifying glass and photocopy and document the heck out of any inappropriate expenditures (which may be personal) - say dinner or jewelry or furniture that were not for YOU. (A therapist warned me NOT to do this as it could be upsetting. Instead what I found was shallower than the actual water in a kiddie piss pool - and it helped me legally). Snoop through emails and phone records as well. Give that documentation to a friend to hold on to.

Blue Iris had a good catch. WTF? WMB if you file a personal tax return independently now or in the future, then go for a "innocent spouse" return so nothing can come back to bite you in the butt.

BTW, WMB, my DH makes fun of the ex and we both LAUGH and LAUGH during Bowflex commercials. The ex is "living the dream" alright. He's a 50 year old that lives in the gym, doesn't even have a rock band, goes through flavors of the month (I've been with my DH for 13 years) who end up hating him - even a few lawsuits - and sending the kids and ME holiday cards and gifts (I've been told by MORE than one that they stayed with ex longer only because they adore my kids)!
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Re: Taking Step 1

Postby PutMILinherplace » Fri Mar 10, 2017 10:57 am

I was looking around my current house last night and there are really only 3 pieces of furniture that I'd really like to keep for myself, but even then, if I had to let them go I would. I'm not sentimental about it.


Something you may want to consider because of how hateful you have suggested the ils could be. If there are a few things like special china of your grandmother's, 1 piece of furniture, and especially baby & family pics, I would move them out little by little, in away your DH wont notice. A small storage unit in your name only is relatively cheap or if you have friend with a spare room you can offer to pay them $20 a month to store some boxes there. I only mention it because I have seen time and time again where these narcissistic spouses and equally bad ils will take stuff just out of spite like your grandmother's baby pics and not give them back just to be evil.
Case in point, my horrible, thank the Lord now dead, MIL
When her and my FIL divorced he asked for the pic of his cousin who he was very close to and had died in a car accident long before my FIL met MIL. My MIL told the judge and my FIL that she has destroyed it in a fit of rage. Fast forward over 30 years. MIL was cleaning out her house and handed me a trash bag of pics of what she thought was just pics of her grandkids (and she wondered why I or her daughter would not give her any more pics.) anyway in the bag was a pile of old pictures. My FIL was over and we asked him to go through them with us so we would know who they were. We got to the pic of his cousin and he teared up. In the pile were also pics of HIS family that my MIL didn't even know. About a week later, my MIL called down to the house frantic about the bag of pics. There were some she wanted back , she didn't realize they were in the bag. When she started describing them, I told her we had already giving them to FIL. She went ballistic! How dare we! We had no right ! They were hers! I told her no they weren't they were his and she was just being evil. Oh, she was soooo mad.
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Re: Taking Step 1

Postby miwako » Wed Mar 15, 2017 2:06 pm

You've said a number of things over the years that have made me feel uneasy about your husband. I'm glad you're taking these steps. I'm sure it will be very difficult in the short run, but in the end I think you'll be happier.
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